If You Don’t Want to Work on Your Marriage

Leave and stop stringing your spouse along

My ex-husband used to say, “Everything will be fine if you just go back to being who you were.”

But I was exhausted. I couldn’t do everything anymore. I needed help. In marriage counseling, one day my husband said, “Can you believe she’s got me driving these kids here and driving these kids there?”

“What were you thinking saying that to a marriage counselor?” I say in the car.

“Oh,” said my husband. “He’s old school he gets it.”

A reference to the age of our therapist. My ex-husband thought he’d found a kindred spirit. A man who understood what the old ball and chain were doing to him.

It’s a fine line rescuing a failing relationship.

How hard do we try? What investment do we make? Before we call it quits.

Do I believe we should work on our marriage before giving up? Absolutely. But to what extent? I would have had more respect for my husband if he had been honest. If he had told me he wasn’t willing to repair our relationship.

Instead of insisting I return to someone who had zero boundaries.

To be fair, he told me I would never win.

A sad thing to say about love.

He told me I would never change him. Something I never wanted to do. I loved who he was as a whole. I didn’t like how he hurt me. I was hoping for growth, not a different man.

I wish he’d walked through the door one day and said, “I’m done.”

Because I was unaccustomed to giving up on people.

Our marriage evolved into a sport. One person forfeits the game and the other is obsessed with conquering it. He was indifferently in control and I was exhaustingly controlled.

I became a caricature of who I was. I disappeared as our two different extremes took over. The pleaser, fixer, and rescuer in me took Olympic center stage. As did my husband’s passively-aggressive difficult personality.

I was as devoted to making it work as he was rigid to remain the same. I begged him to continue in marriage counseling. He had no interest after hearing what the counselor had to say.

It’s true his actions were announcing he was done. But I was a hard sell. I didn’t give up on people and I saw the best in them. Not to mention, if my husband was unhappy he would leave. Wouldn’t he? What man stays in a marriage when they have the means and ability to leave?

He must love me, right?!

He must want to be here.

Do I think my husband loved me? Yes. At least, he loved me as much as he was capable of loving anyone. He was preoccupied with winning. With being in control. He was not capable of compromise. I used to say, “He doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do.” It’s why we experienced a five-year divorce.

If I hadn’t imposed boundaries we’d still be together.

He said as much.

But at what cost? A man who hurts the woman he loves over and over again. And without remorse. Even when he began drinking and that pain extended to his children.

He was acting out as much as I was reaching out. He underestimated me. The old schoolboy thought I wouldn’t leave a life of luxury. He bet on it. Money was the indicator of control.

And I was busy rationalizing. I listened to his words like I was never going to win and he would never be changed. I intermingled them with he’s still here. He’s in pain. He’s the love of my life. We’re married. We are a family. We made a vow.

But I was exhausted.

I wish he’d walked through the door one day and said, “I’m done.”

And put a caring person out of their misery.

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