I Gave My Husband Too Many Chances

Why do we stay with those who hurt us?

My husband refused couples counseling after he was told he lacked empathy. I continued in marriage counseling for one. My oxymoron. I wanted my marriage to survive. Even if it seemed impossible.

Impossible excites a fixer.

We believe we can defy the odds and rescue any problem.

My husband was a narcissist. This was true. Our outcome was uncertain. This was also true. But I stayed in counseling for another reason. I needed to learn more about myself. What was it about me that attracted me to a narcissist?

I wanted to examine my choices and mistakes.

One day I sat with my marriage counselor. I was growing weary of my inability to move on. I knew I should give up on my husband. It was the rational choice. I realized it wasn’t my heart holding me back. It was my personality.

“I must frustrate you,” I say.

“Why?” he laughs.

“Because you keep telling me the same things,” I say. “And it’s not like I don’t hear you. I do. I just can’t bring myself to give up.”

“Your husband keeps showing you who he is only you don’t want to believe him,” he says.

My counselor was attempting to do what I had wanted him to do. He was promoting self-reflection and discovery. These were the types of things he was telling me. More about me and less about my husband. But on this particular day, he used my husband as an example of my own personality.

I continued to see the best in my husband.

Even when it was unwarranted.

My husband was who he was. You can’t change the average person let alone a narcissist.

A good counselor offers healing and awareness. My marriage therapist told me I needed to become more self-protective and improve my boundaries. He taught me about the family of origin and the roles we play within families. I was a fixer and a pleaser. I had married a golden boy.

He told me I was an enabler. Well, actually he told me I was a major, major enabler. An enabler is an overly caring person who tolerates repeatedly bad behavior. They will see the best in someone and make excuses for them.

I misinterpreted enabling as kindness. I was an expert at giving people chances. Lots and lots of chances. I looked beyond antics that might make others enact boundaries. Or walk away altogether.

It was common for me to justify poor behavior.

“She’s obnoxious but she has a big heart.”

“He’s extremely difficult but he means well.”

“That individual can be rude but they are a good person.”

I craved self-help and was eager and well-intentioned. I wanted to grow, evolve, and learn from my mistakes. I was able to recognize what made me stay in an unhealthy situation too long.

But I had been this person my whole life.

It was an impossibly difficult habit to break, giving people too many chances.

Sure, my husband was a narcissist but he had a good side to him. Sure, he was upsetting our home and drinking uncharacteristically. He must be in pain from losing his father or going through some type of crisis. Of course, he could be cruel but down deep he had goodness in him. And on and on.

I gave my husband chance after chance.

When he no longer deserved it. Despite him hurting me repeatedly. Despite him consistently behaving badly. Despite knowing better. Despite learning what I learned in counseling. Despite cold harsh facts such as Narcissism. The discovery of enabling, denial, and fixers who refuse to give up.

Even when we should surrender.

I’m not a shrinking violet. I’m not a pushover. I was raised by a resilient single mother and have been independent since a young age. I’m strong. I’m confident. I’m a leader.

But I am a pleaser, a fixer, and an enabler.

Pleaser is a word commonly associated with weakness. It is not necessarily indicative of this. It’s a person who is accustomed to looking beyond difficult personalities in favor of keeping the peace. Some of the people I know who tend towards this are the most capable I know. They are picking up the slack to compensate for a difficult personality.

Now is it healthy? No. The pleaser is overly responsible for another human being and under responsible for themselves. They will go to great lengths to avoid conflict and keep another happy. It creates a relationship imbalance.

A person behaves badly and the pleaser is right behind them diffusing the situation.

The fixer follows and cleans everything up.

The enabler steps in to make excuses.

I gave my husband too many chances because I lacked boundaries. Narcissist or no narcissist. I tolerated things I should not have tolerated. Being kind to someone is allowing for mistakes. A few mishaps.

Enabling is forgiving repeatedly bad and unacceptable behavior. It’s giving someone chance after chance even when they keep showing you who they are.

Because you refuse to see the worst in the person you love.

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