avatarColleen Sheehy Orme

Summary

The author, a divorced individual, has come to realize that their reluctance to date post-divorce stems from a desire to preserve the current dynamic with their children rather than the commonly assumed reasons such as the children's well-being or personal recovery from the divorce.

Abstract

The article delves into the personal journey of the author, who has been hesitant to re-enter the dating scene following a divorce. Initially, the author attributed this hesitation to concerns about the impact on their children, especially given the emotionally and financially abusive nature of the divorce. However, after a conversation with a similarly divorced friend, the author recognized that the true reason for their apprehension was a fear of altering the existing harmonious relationship with their children. This realization came after considering and often dismissing other common dating deterrents such as the fear of repeating past relationship patterns, aversion to marriage, and the need for personal healing and physical transformation post-divorce. The author acknowledges the importance of emotional work and counseling in preparing for future relationships but emphasizes that self-awareness about one's true motivations is crucial for moving forward.

Opinions

  • The author believes that the dynamic between a parent and their children can be a significant and often overlooked factor in a divorced individual's decision to date again.
  • There is a concern that introducing a new partner could disrupt the equilibrium in the family, even when children are adults and likely to be accepting.
  • The author reflects on the emotional and financial abuse endured during the marriage and divorce, suggesting that such experiences can make one skeptical about the institution of marriage and future relationships.
  • Personal growth, including counseling and emotional healing, is seen as essential before engaging in a new relationship.
  • The author admits to using their children as an excuse to avoid dating, indicating a level of self-deception that was present before the moment of clarity.
  • Despite the various reasons one might have for not dating after divorce, the author concludes that these can sometimes mask deeper, personal reservations.

I Know Why I’m Still Not Dating

My divorced friend just gave me the answer

Photo by Radu Florin from Pexels

People tend to be curious why you’re not dating after divorce. I get it. I just haven’t been in a hurry. It was a battle for my freedom. I’m trying to warm up to the idea.

I recently went out with a few of my high school friends.

Two of us got divorced at about the same time. The other girls asked her if she was dating anyone. Her response resonated with me. It vocalized the real reason I’ve been apprehensive about meeting someone.

“I don’t want to change the dynamic between my children and me,” she said.

She loved the relationship with her kids just the way it was. Bringing a boyfriend into their lives could potentially change it. Even though her children were in their twenties and would likely accept it.

I’ve heard a lot of people talk about their kids, divorce, and dating. I’ve heard them speak of the complications involved in it. I’ve heard people say they’ve delayed it because the divorce was brutal and they’re worried about their children.

This was my reasoning after an emotionally and financially abusive divorce.

Why would I open another door when my children were struggling? It was certainly a valid thought. But after a while, my kids probably would have been receptive to me dating. Because kids do well when their parents are doing well. At the very least, I could have dipped my toes into the proverbial pond. But I wasn’t.

And it turns out, it has more to do with me than them.

The shifting moment was my friend’s use of the word dynamic. I was using my children as an excuse. I kept saying I don’t want to date until I know they are doing better. But truthfully, I didn’t want to change our dynamic. I like the way the four of us are together. This uncertainty has kept me reluctant.

I just wasn’t entirely conscious of it.

I’ve entertained other trademark dating excuses as well. I don’t want to repeat history. I don’t want to attract myself to the same personality. I don’t want to get married again.

Can you blame me?

It took five years to exercise myself from my marriage. I think I would consider doing it again if the relationship had failed. But when you can’t get away from someone and endure years of emotional and financial abuse it sours you on the institution.

And I’ve had personal excuses. I want to be restored and back to myself before I attract myself to someone. I want the divorce far enough behind me that I gravitate towards a healthier relationship. I want to lose the extra pounds I gained during a traumatic time.

These are all valid. You should do the emotional work, counseling, and distance to improve the odds of a healthier you and a healthier relationship.

You can’t address something until you know what you’re dealing with. I was never going to date until I realized what was holding me back. Even now I might still find some excuses.

But I’m warming up to the idea.

Relationships
Divorce
Love
Dating
This Happened To Me
Recommended from ReadMedium
avatarColleen Sheehy Orme
I Divorced a Man I Loved

Leaving someone doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t love them

4 min read
avatarDr. Samantha Rodman Whiten (Dr. Psych Mom)
My Wife Is Fat

Reader Wife Is Fat writes:

8 min read
avatarJulie Gaeta
The Game a Mistress Played (And Won) After 22 Years and 9 Kids

The Price of Paradise: His Brazilian “Love” Affair

10 min read
avatarHeer Bethel
5 Truths That Men Wish Every Woman Should Know

Being a woman of standard gives the impression that you value, your worth, socioeconomic values, potential assets, and discipline.

5 min read
avatarRuby Lee
My Phone Call Ended My Sister’s Marriage

I still feel somewhat responsible

4 min read
avatarEmotion Live
A Divorced Middle-Aged Woman Tells You: To Find a New Partner, You Must Meet These 3 Conditions

“If you’ve encountered it, be grateful; if you’ve missed it, let it go.”

4 min read