Self

Women Don’t Believe We Should Prioritize Ourselves

This one transformative thought will change that

I sit in my marriage counselor’s office. He’s a psychologist who I respect. I listen when he speaks but today he is forced to repeat himself. I’m sure I frustrate him.

“Colleen,” he says. “You lack boundaries and the ability to self-protect.”

He’s urging me to make myself a priority. I struggle with this. It’s partially who I am. A pleaser, fixer, giver, and rescuer. It’s partially the sense of selfishness that accompanies it.

Not long after, I am on the phone with my uncle who is a priest.

“Colleen,” he says. “The Holy Spirit gave you the gift of joy your whole life. Do not let another human being take that from you.”

Two people in my life are cautioning me. But I’m in the thick of things. My relationship is failing and I can’t yet connect the dots between a professional and spiritual warning.

That will come later.

As will the transformative thought that changes my view on self-protection.

I’ll get to that in a moment.

For the time being, I try to embrace my counselor’s words. I know I must. I’ve gotten myself into trouble. My inability to self-protect has exaggerated my marital problems and taken me down with it.

Yet innately, I still believe there’s selfishness to self-protection.

Like many women, I am uncomfortable putting myself first. Or should I say routinely being aware of the need to prioritize ourselves? Because at my core I don’t believe in it.

Or maybe, I lose sight of it.

I remember watching an Oprah episode years ago about this topic. For that hour I was all in. I was cheering from my couch. I’m going to take better care of myself. I’m going to the spa. I’m making a day all about me. I’m going on a girls' trip.

A week later I had forgotten.

I could say it was because of the demands of a family. That would certainly be true. I could say it was because I got more pleasure out of volunteering and doing things for others. This would also be true.

Distraction may have contributed to my inability to put myself first.

But it wasn’t the cause.

I would learn that at another appointment with my marriage counselor.

“Colleen,” he says. “You are a major enabler. Enablers are overly caring people who tolerate repeatedly bad behavior.”

“I thought I was being kind,” I say.

“Kindness is forgiving bad behavior once or twice,” he says. “Enabling is forgiving it over and over again.”

My counselor and I occasionally discuss faith. We are both deeply spiritual and he was once a pastor. He has a concentration in Christian-based psychology.

I get up to leave his office.

I’m grappling with enabling because I associate kindness with my faith.

“We are all children of God,” he says. “We all deserve to be treated well.”

At this moment my professional and spiritual warnings merge. I am able to connect the dots. I haven’t been able to initiate boundaries, self-protection, or prioritize myself because I fundamentally insisted it was selfish. I felt guilty putting myself first.

Nothing was going to make me believe otherwise.

Except for a transformative moment of faith.

Because I was confused.

It took the clarification of enabling versus kindness to wake me up. We can believe we are doing the right thing when we aren’t. I wasn’t being kind. I didn’t deserve my husband’s behavior. End of story.

I wasn’t being unselfish by not putting myself first.

I was being spiritually irresponsible. I was reckless with my God-given gifts. There was nothing selfish about prioritizing myself. We are all children of God. We all deserve to be treated well. This means we have a responsibility to ensure this interpersonally ourselves.

My lack of self-protective instincts had destroyed the better parts of me.

Including my innate joy of life that my uncle spoke of. I wasn’t a happy girl. I was a ridiculously happy girl. I could get a flat tire and walk in smiling. My mother said I had been born with Joie de vivre and it was a gift.

This ah-ha moment was transformative.

It reversed a formerly unhealthy way of thinking. We can do for others and for ourselves at the same time. We can care for ourselves while caring for others. These things are not mutually exclusive.

Giving isn’t an all-or-nothing sport.

We don’t indulge ourselves with boundaries and self-protection.

We protect who we were created to be.

Nothing is more important than that.

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