The Queen. Platinum Jubilee. The Results Are In.

Yesterday The Queen made a surprise appearance on Buckingham Palace’s balcony as part of the final day of celebrations to mark her historic 70-year reign. Like all good party hosts she weren’t around for most of her own party.

Apparent highlights, apart from the performances by talented Brits like Diana Ross, Alicia Keys and Andrea Bocelli, were Prince Charles heartfelt tribute to “mummy.” Who calls their mother mummy? Hands down please. However, heartfelt or not, if you’re of a certain age you were thinking, “Why’d you do the dirty on Princess Di?”

Another highlight were Prince William talking about climate change and his optimism that people would unite to protect our planet. However if you were a person of a certain kind you were thinking, “You can talk with your private jets.”

Another highlight were The Queen appearing as a hologram inside the Gold State Coach. So Gordon Brown did not sell off all our gold then.

A lowlight were Meghan Markle apparently getting booed. Some folks have chosen to ignore the fact she was with some bloke called Harry, and that there were many cheers for both, because:

(a). They’re obsessed with this ‘outsider.’

(b). They are racist.

(c). They are obsessed with idea that the UK is racist.

Fair play to that unsung hero, the organiser of the Jubilee celebrations (hint, she’s called Mrs Windsor), an event literally no one got involved in or watched on the telly. They organised a celebration that catered for everyone, except for republicans.

1st Person: How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2nd Person: I don’t know. How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1st Person: Scrap the monarchy!

There have been numerous opinions expressed about the “morally unacceptable, totally inequitable and ethically obscene events over the long weekend” that helped bridge divides and celebrated the UK’s diversity. A common mistake folks like me, with a platform to moan on, make is thinking what we think matters. No, what matters is the opinion of Jo, Jeet or Jerzy Public.

Luckily for me the polling organisation Ipcompopuvation conducted a survey asking folks what they thought about the Jubilee. So like most good aspiring journos I have crunched the data, ignored bits I don’t like and concentrated on bits that fit in with my prejudices.

First, some context….

“If the estimated £1 billion being spent on the jubilee was divided amongst the 26 million households in the UK, it would mean a windfall for each household of £38,000.”

This is actually a lie. However, the Jubilee will cost and estimated £1 billion. I have repeated this lie. Why? Because it’s believable innit.

Back to crunching the data…..

Ipcompopuvation interviewed a representative sample of UK adults aged 18–100. They are representative because they bothered to answer the questions. Interviews were conducted online because older folks aren’t. Data are weighted to match the profile of the population, which is fair to middling.

Question. Do you think the monarchy should be abolished?

23% of 18–25yr olds said, “What’s a monarchy?” Of those respondents 53% said, “Ooo, don’t tell me. I’ll look it up on Instagram.”

87% of over 65yr olds said, “Fuck no.” Of those respondents 41% said, “That’s why we voted Brexit.”

59% of 46–55yr olds said, “Yes, if it means my kids will get on the property ladder and finally move out.”

Question: Who should be the next Monarch?

91% of 18–25yr olds said, “Prince Harry.” Of those respondents 77% said, “Because he married a Black woman innit.”

Interestingly, “Because he married a Black woman,” was the most popular reason given amongst the 13% of over 65yr olds who said they wanted the monarchy scrapped.

79% of Welsh football fans said, “Gareth innit.” 62% of Scottish football fans said. “I don’t care, international football is overrated eh.”

Question: Are Jubilee celebrations good for the nation?

73% of respondents responded positively.

18% of respondents that responded negatively said, “Jubilee celebrations are a racist endeavour.” When asked why, the most popular response was “Give me a sec. I’ll just look it up on Twitter.”

38% of non-Whites celebrated the Jubilee. These stats were shared with respondents. The most popular response to these stats with those that had said, “Jubilee celebrations are a racist endeavour,” was to put their fingers in their ears and sing, “La la la, I’m not listening.”

Question: Are Jubilee celebrations value for money?

22% of respondents responded negatively. Of those respondents 39% said, “The jubilee is an unacceptable, totally inequitable and ethically obscene event (I wonder where they got that from?), which absolutely no one in the middle of a cost of living crisis will have anything positive to say about.”

66% of respondents said, “I dunno.” Of those respondents 31% said, “I’m not fussed about the Jubilee. It’s just great to get together with the community after 2 years of Covid.”

Ultimately a survey means nothing without the weight of public figures’ opinion giving it credibility. Therefore I asked various public figures, “Should we abolish the monarchy?”

You are curious about my opinion? Well, if it means another Bank Holiday, I say 5 more years ma’am. I work Bank Hols by the way.

Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom: “There was no booze. There were no boos.”

Bunting, strings of (decorative) flags: “British colonialism is literally not my fault.”

Dua Lipa, British singer-songwriter: “Don’t Start Now.”

Keir Starmer, Leader of the Labour Party of the United Kingdom: “No rules were broken. Fancy a drink?”

Amber Heard, American actress: “Which option means her majesty will receive the least amount of online abuse?”

Princess Anne, Princess Royal: “Makes no odds to me. I’ll still be working my arse off.”

Godzilla, the enormous, destructive, prehistoric sea monster empowered by nuclear radiation: “Do what you like. Just leave Tokyo to me.”

Liz Truss, Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs of the United Kingdom: “No. My aspirations are unlimited.”

Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex: “The monarchy is racist. I should know. I called a fellow army cadet a paki and another a rag-head.”

Joe Biden, President of the United States: “Too little too late. Queen Elizabeth I instituted a national militia in which individuals of all classes were required by law to take part to defend the realm.”

Paddington Bear, fictional character in children’s literature: “I don’t know. I’m too busy being weaponised by people who have just discovered I’m a refugee.”

Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex: “Absolutely. Archie and Lilibet would still get titles though, yes?”

Johnny Depp, pirate: “Hay. Whatever the lady [The Queen] wants, the lady should get. I love all women.”

Hungarian child, football fan: “My dad says I need to be a racist.”

Ed Sheeran, English singer-songwriter: “Don’t”

Prince Charles, Prince of Wales: “Don’t be ridiculous. Mummy would never allow it.”

Gareth Bale, Welsh professional footballer: “We won the game but they’ll win the war.”

Morrissey, (slightly racist) English singer-songwriter: “The Queen Is Dead.”

The Queen, Queen of the United Kingdom and 14 other Commonwealth realms: “Dude, there’s a time and a place.”

Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Transport of the United Kingdom: “Should we astonish the referee?”