The One Thing I’m Still Terrified of During Sex
And it’s not being naked with the light on.
After all these years, there’s still something I’m deeply terrified of in the bedroom — and I can’t quite figure out why. I’ve thought about it, talked to my friends about it, and written about it but I still can’t put my finger on it.
It’s not being naked with the light on. It’s not a particular sexual position. It’s not my sexual performance.
It’s dirty talk.
I’ve always felt awkward using dirty talk during sex — for as long as I can remember. I even wrote an article about why some people absolutely need dirty talk in the bedroom.
That said, as I’m learning more about how dirty talk actually works psychologically, I’m beginning to feel a little warmer about the idea — while also figuring out why I’m not comfortable with it.
I’ve learned that the brain is considered a more powerful sexual organ than even the male and female genitalia because it’s where the sex drive stems from.
Dirty talk can essentially sexually stimulate the mind all on its own — and as most of us know — the mind is an incredibly powerful thing.
According to Daryl Cioffi, who specializes in couples, relationships, sex, and neuropsychology, and is the owner of Polaris Counseling & Consulting in Patucket, R.I., dirty talk is a whole mind and body experience.
Cioffi says that people very much enjoy dirty talk because it activates all regions of the brain while the body is also getting stimulated. She says similar areas of the brain are touched upon during dirty talk as when we curse.
That all makes proper sense and I can totally see why dirty talk works for a lot of people.
However, in my personal experience, I have found that there’s dirty talk that works — and then there’s dirty talk that absolutely doesn’t.
One form of dirty talk that I just can’t tolerate during sex is baby talk. I’m SO not into being talked to like a little girl or a baby during sex. I’m also not down with calling anyone ‘Daddy’.
Ugh!
I cannot tell you enough how much the baby talk actually turns me off — so if the mind can be activated in a good way by the kind of dirty talk that turns someone on, then it can most certainly be infiltrated and consumed with unstimulating dirty talk as well!
So far, the kind of dirty talk that seems most effective to me, personally, is the kind that isn’t repetitive or banal. As I described in my post, I Don’t Need To Cum For You, certain terms can simply get overused and, quite frankly, feel like nails on a chalkboard after a while.
There’s something to be said for variety and, as a writer, I appreciate an imaginative variation of words — especially in the bedroom.
If a simple ‘cum for me’ works for you or your partner every time — then go for it! Not my business how anyone else gets to orgasm.
Subtle, more intimate words work nicely for me — as opposed to just straight commands. However, if nothing much is said at all during sex, I’m OK with that too.
I’m good with the strong, silent type of sexual encounter, or even just some satisfied groans will do me well.
I don’t need there to be a conversation had during sexual intercourse to keep me going but, apparently, there are many people who really thrive on the dirty talk in order to keep them going during sex.
I’m a more in-my-head type of person so it’s not difficult for me to get turned on imaging my lover and myself are on some desert island somewhere and he’s a pirate or something silly yet sexy like that. Conjuring up scenarios in my head helps me orgasm.
That said, I am beginning to understand that other people not only like to talk during sex but need to talk during sex — particularly my own partner. He’d relish talking out the desert island/pirate scenario, play-by-play and that would turn him on immensely.
Dirty talk can work for me — but I’m pretty selective about what turns me on and what makes me absolutely cringe. When dirty talk doesn’t work — it can kill my whole mood completely and I have to do some pretty creative mental gymnastics to turn it all around in my head.
I appreciate that other people (like my own partner) are super into dirty talk. Not everyone’s brain works the same way. I’m just trying to figure out where my level of expertise in sexual dialogue begins and my comfort zone ends.