Kicked out
The Most Boring Medium Story Ever
Excluding MWC submissions
This is a four-minute story, and there’s zero chance anybody’s going to read it from start to finish because it’s a VERY boring one. Good luck!
This morning I woke up at 6:23 AM but decided it was too early to get out of bed. I emerged again at 7:04 AM when the cat decided it was time for him to eat something.
Thankfully, I was able to fall asleep again after feeding the cat. I had to wash my hands because the wet food was smelly. I used warm water to stay in a sleepy mood. Using cold water would have been a mistake; I know it from experience.
With warm water, you can go back to bed and fall back asleep without much problem. In hindsight, I should have washed my hands with cold water because I had the weirdest dream.
Here, at 150 words, I take a small break and wonder how hard I should go with this made-up dream. Since this is still a draft, I go all in.
In my dream, I had just given food to my cat when my fellow writer Edward came out of the fridge. “Hello, Smillew! I just farted in your fridge. I thought you should know. By the way, Reuben is still inside, masturbating and watching Speed.”
And then Edward left the kitchen. I didn’t know it yet, but he went straight to my bed and fell asleep there. Lucky bastard. I’m sure he didn’t have any dreams.
As you would imagine, I was a bit surprised by the whole thing. I had tried watching Speed before, and wifi wasn’t working in the fridge. It could only mean that Reuben had downloaded the movie before entering my fridge.
OR.
He had found the secret container on the top shelf of the fridge where I store all my old DVDs with a small TV and a DVD player for times I want to be at peace and cool down a bit.
We often have epic fights with my wife regarding the temperature of our house. She’s American and likes it when it’s low. Very low. But we live in Europe and have everything set to Celsius.
So she brings the temperature on the AirCon to a pleasant 78 degrees. Except that it’s 78 degrees Celsius. The heating devices aren’t able to produce such high temperatures, but they try their best.
My wife, who’s more stubborn than a panda in a bamboo grove, pretends this is what she wanted when we both know the truth.
With age, I got wiser and stopped discussing this kind of thing with her. No need to have a lengthy discussion when you know that the final answer will be: “I’m right, you’re wrong, no sex for you tonight.”
So, when this Celsius-Fahrenheit shit-show happens, I enter the fridge.
Now you might wonder in disbelief how I do that.
Well, I’m a fridge builder by trade.
After a few years of marriage to my lovely wife, whom I love so much and who happens to read my articles sometimes, I understood having a cooling space would be a good idea.
We all need some me-time, but it can be hard to find when you have a family.
So I secretly built an extension to the fridge. You need to know I won the lottery when I was twenty-two. I won $25 million and invested everything in bitcoins. It was in 2011. So you could think I’m filthy rich, but that would be forgetting about my wife, kids, and cat.
However, I could afford an extra fridge.
The first step was to buy my neighbors’ apartment. It was easy to convince them when I offered three times the market price, no questions asked.
The second step was to find an item in the fridge that nobody would ever want to touch but me. Something disgusting I’m the only one to eat.
I think I lost a few readers during the last few paragraphs. It feels like there are fewer surprises and the story’s dynamism is down. I think it’s because I don’t have a good idea for this disgusting item. Let me move on and call it a “disgusto.” If you have a good idea, leave me a comment.
I won’t bore you with the details, but now, when you move the disgusto from the top shelf to the left part of the bottom shelf, a secret passage is revealed at the back of the fridge that leads to my former neighbors’ former apartment.
It’s a three-bedroom apartment, so there’s plenty of space for my DVDs.
My favorite one is My Neighbor Totoro. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you much about it because I used the Totoro trick in another story; writing about it again could be interpreted as plagiarizing.
The only thing I can share is that I used Totoro to lure readers into using my referral link to subscribe to Medium.
This brings me to my final point.
My final point
Faced with a boring article — like this one, most readers will click away after one sentence. However, a significant number will scroll down to the end of the article before moving on. That’s why you need to have some catchy heading at the end. It’s your last chance to get people into the story and hook them for more.
But today, I’ll do two things instead.
- I’ll wish an excellent day to all my readers
- I’ll share the link to Edward’s article that inspired this piece:
Smillew has a bio, but it’s too boring to be copy-pasted here. Follow him and everybody else here to read more boring stories.
