avatarReuben Salsa

Summary

The author recounts an unexpected encounter with Keanu Reeves in a restroom, where the sight of the actor's anatomy leads to a fainting spell and a profound, life-altering experience.

Abstract

In a humorous and vivid narrative, the author describes meeting Keanu Reeves in a restroom after participating in an unusual cat-related event in Times Square. The surreal moment of seeing Reeves' private parts causes the author to faint, only to be revived and cared for by the kind-hearted actor himself. This encounter inspires the author to dedicate himself to writing about Reeves and to become his ultimate fan, vowing to never wash the hand that Reeves used to assist him. The piece concludes with a plea for readers to support the author's writing through Medium membership referrals, emphasizing the transformative impact of the experience.

Opinions

  • The author expresses a deep admiration and almost spiritual reverence for Keanu Reeves, both as a person and as an icon.
  • There is a sense of humor and self-deprecation in the author's recounting of the embarrassing situation, particularly in the description of the fainting episode and the aftermath.
  • The author criticizes other writers who claim to be experts on Keanu Reeves, positioning himself as the true authority and urging readers to support his work.
  • A somewhat exaggerated sense of indebtedness to Keanu Reeves is conveyed, as the author equates the actor's simple act of kindness to a life-changing event.
  • The author's writing style is intentionally provocative and unapologetic, challenging readers to either engage with his content or dismiss it, leaving no middle ground.

KEANU REEVES | KEANU REEVES

I Saw the Penis of Keanu Reeves

And it made me faint

Keanu Reeves loves Keanu Reeves loves Keanu Reeves. Image from Flickr

I once met Keanu Reeves in a toilet. It was Saturday. I had spent a humid afternoon chasing cats around Times Square as part of the Anti-Abolish-Pussy Hunt. There were too many felines and action was needed. It was hard work. Several cats had been shaved incorrectly and resembled puckering newborns squirming for love. The why’s matter little. All that counted was me, in the right place, meeting Keanu.

I saw it. As I stood at the urinal I couldn’t help but peek. I saw the whole nine yards. The full member. The uncut version. Keanu’s pecker. I wanted to rub my eyes in disbelief but that meant getting an unpleasant infection in my eyes. There was no way I would have been able to shoot straight and rub my eyeball at the same time. I’m not that gifted. Peeing standing up required a certain amount of concentration and I had already blown my focus glimpsing Keanu’s package.

My arc of spray was running dry and I hadn’t seen enough. I needed more. I could feel my panic rising. A wave of nausea crept over me and my entire complexion turned an ugly grey. I was about to faint, dick in hand, next to Keanu Reeves.

“Hey man.”

They were the last words I heard as I crashed to the tiled floor. When I awoke, Keanu was cradling my head in his hands. I could feel his warm embrace smother me. He stared directly into my eyes and straight into my soul.

“Thought I lost you. Had me worried for a sec. You okay man?”

“I…don’t know…”

I gazed towards my crotch. My pants were wet. The stench of urine filled my nostrils. I blushed.

“It’s okay dude. I put it away for you. You had quite the crash.”

I let that sink in. Keanu Reeves had put away my dick. He had handled my sword. He had tucked my pecker back into my pants. He had held my member between his hands. Keanu Reeves had taken my penis. My eyes swelled up with admiration. I began to weep. I was forever in debt to Keanu Reeves.

“How can I ever repay you?”

“Don’t worry dude. Every struggle in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. Be thankful for the hard times, they can only make you stronger.”

With that, Keanu helped me up, and then he was gone.

I knew then what my destiny was to be. I would write about Keanu Reeves. I would become the number one writer on every platform that featured Keanu Reeves. I would be his ultimate fan. On that day I swore to pledge allegiance to the great Keanu Reeves and never to wash my knob again.

Make me number one on Medium for Keanu Reeves. Ignore the fake prophets of Keanu like Smillew Rahcuef. He only wants to adorn Keanu for himself. As Keanu Reeves said in his legendary movie Constantine:

“HEAVEN AND HELL ARE RIGHT HERE, BEHIND EVERY WALL, EVERY WINDOW, THE WORLD BEHIND THE WORLD. AND WE’RE SMACK IN THE MIDDLE.”

Use this referral below so I can hijack a portion of your membership fees and spread intolerant views, lewd behavior, and gut-wrenchingly bad prose.

And if that’s not to your liking, then you can either fuck off or simply subscribe in the knowledge that you are in the company of an inscrutable swine who doesn’t give any fucks.

That’s your last warning.

Keanu Reeves
Salsa
The Bad Influence
Humor
Ideas
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