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You Can Legislate My Ovaries When You Take Them From My Cold, Dead Body

The Book of Fallopians

The Book of Fallopians

1:1 Having made Eve of Adam’s rib, but not the penis and testicles, God gave unto Eve her own parts.

1:2 And of these were labia majora and minora, clitoris, vagina, uterus, and ovaries.

1:3 And Bartholin’s glands, though Bartholin was wont to share them. Since Bartholin was not yet begat anyway.

1:4 And Fallopian Tubes, which God gave to Eve and Eve alone, and not to Adam, to whom instead God gave Monday Night Football.

2:1 And God said unto Eve and Adam, “Thou has forfeited Eternal Life by eating of the Tree of Knowledge. Therefore be fruitful and multiply to people the Earth. And add and subtract and divide as well, even unto fractions, but of these, the first is multiply.”

2:2 Add Eve and Adam said unto God “Is it good to multiply?”

2:4 And God said, “It is very very good.”

2:5 And Eve and Adam said, “Exactly how good?”

2:6 And God said, “It is like having your lungs pulled through your nostrils. But for a good cause.”

2:7 Then Eve and Adam ran in circles wailing aloud, and there was much rending of garments and gnashing of teeth. For after they tried gnashing of garments and rending of teeth, they saw they had it backwards. And they knew not what gnashing was anyway, for only God knew that, but still they gnashed as best they could.

2:8 And God said, “But first the one must deposit the seed in the other. And in depositing the seed, the one and the other shall feel a pleasure greater than any known in Creation.”

2:9 And Adam asked, “Even better than the moving of bowels?”

2:10 And God answered, “Moving the bowels is to depositing the seed as succotash is to Godiva chocolate.”

2:11 And Eve and Adam, having eaten only roots and berries, knew not of what God said, but it sounded much better than the moving of bowels, and not so smelly, and they rejoiced.

3:1 Then God said, “And after the seed is deposited, one of you may begin to swell, and vomit thy food, and be laid low by fatigue, and have trouble moving thy bowels, and have hemorrhoids, and varicose veins, and stretch marks, and urinate thrice hourly, and this shall last for forty weeks. And then shall you give birth to daughters and sons. And this last shall be akin to having thy lungs pulled through thy nostrils.”

3:2 And Eve said, “As Adam was first, let the glory and honor of bearing children fall to Adam. I would do this for Adam, that he might rejoice, and be revered as the Mother of Life.”

3:3 And God said, “Adam has the attention span of a gerbil. Adam cannot pick his nose without boasting of athletic dexterity. Adam cannot do this thing.”

3:4 And Eve ran in circles wailing aloud, and rent her garment and gnashed her teeth.

3:5 And Adam asked God if it was Monday night yet.

4:1 Then Adam said to Eve, “It has been a week since God told us to be fruitful and multiply. Let us lie together, that I might spill my seed in thee. And we will beget daughters and sons to people the Earth.”

4:2 And Eve said, “I am getting a headache.”

4:3 And it was evening and it was morning. And Adam asked Eve again to lie with him, that he might spill his seed inside her, that they might people the Earth.

4:4 And Eve said, “Before we lie together, let us talk to each other of needs and feelings.” And Eve told Adam of needs and feelings. And Adam fell asleep.

4:5 And it was evening and it was morning. And again Adam spoke to Eve saying, “Thou art my wife and I would have no other.”

4:6 And Eve said, “The only other is God, and God is not in thy league. Thou should not nod off when we speak of needs and feelings, for there is no other.”

4:7 And Adam said, “It is Monday night. Let us talk of this tomorrow.” And Eve said there was no football yet, and Adam said he wanted to get a good seat.

4:8 Then it came to pass that Eve decided to lay with Adam. And Eve asked Adam to wear a Trojan, that his seed might be quarantined. And Adam said that though God had created the Heavens and Earth and all manner of fish and fowl and creeping animals, of all of these things there were no Trojans. And for that they would have to wait for the Book of Homer. Who would not be good at writing things down.

4:9 And Eve said “Then we will lie together. You will spill your seed. But we shall not beget daughters and sons until I am ready. Dost thou agree?”

4:10 And being long of swollen member, and besotted by passion, Adam would have agreed to recline in fire. Though fire would not occur until the late Silurian Period, so this was not a real concession.

4:11 So Adam and Eve lay together, and Adam spilled his seed into Eve. And an hour passed, and they lay again. And an hour passed, and once again. And four more times before Adam fell asleep between thrusts, with a grin that might have eaten of the movement of bowels.

5:1 And it came to pass that Eve began to vomit her food and be laid low by fatigue.

5:2 Then Eve said to Adam, “It is as God said. I vomit my food, I am laid low by fatigue. It must be a sign of begetting a child.”

5:3 And Adam sang and danced and played with his testicles and ran in circles, and moved his bowels, and ate, and touched his penis, and rejoiced and sang and urinated while moving his bowels, for as God has said, Adam had the attention span of a gerbil.

5:4 And Eve said, “I am preparing a strong tea of many herbs. I will drink the tea and then lie down. And the begetting shall end. And we will try again when I am ready.”

5:5 Then Adam grew angry. He shook his fist. He stamped his feet. He wailed to all that he would not permit Eve to do this.

5:6 And Eve said, “Why wail ye, have ye forgotten the only other is God, who is in a meeting? Have ye also forgotten that before I let you lie with me, and spill thy seed into me, I said we would beget sons and daughters only when I was ready?”

5:7 And Adam said, “This is not allowed. This is not our law! I decree it so!”

5:8 And Eve said, “Ye are not the one who in thirty-six weeks will have her lungs pulled through her nostrils. Ye may not invent laws to constrain my body.”

5:9 Then Adam cried out to God, that God might come and stop Eve from breaking the law that Adam decreed.

5:10 And God came to Adam and Eve and said, “Adam. Thou hast called me away from an important meeting with the Angel of Death. Lest thou want me to call him now, speak.”

5:11 And Adam told God that Eve was with child, but would soon take herbs so she was no longer with child, and that this was against the law, as Adam decreed.

5:12 And God said,

“He who is without ovaries shall not make laws for those who do.”*

5:13 Then God told Adam to leave Eve alone and let her manage her ovaries, as Adam was free to manage his penis and testicles. And God pointed out that Adam seemed to spend a lot of time doing this anyway.

5:14 And God felt sorry for Adam who was in great distress, and added Thursday night.

6:1 And after a time Eve was ready, and begat daughters and sons.

6:2 And the daughters and sons begat daughters and sons.

6:3 And the daughters and sons lived by the law that “He who is without ovaries shall not make laws for those who do.” And the sons agreed the daughters would decide when to beget children.

6:4 And the daughters rejoiced.

6:5 And the daughters let the sons watch Monday Night Football and Thursday Night Football and never complained. Even when the daughters wanted to talk of needs and feelings, and the sons were arguing about chop blocking.

6:6 And when the sons were not watching football, they managed their penises and testicles, which they preferred to talking of needs and feelings. And the sons rejoiced.

• Inspired by Susan Brearley, who posted 5:12 in Facebook, which I then incorporated into this story. I.e, the line in 5:12 is brilliant, but I got that from the Facebook post, along with the idea of a “The Book of Fallopians.” Then I wrote all of the verses around 5:12.