The men in your life are toxic
Ladies. Stop settling for less than you deserve in every aspect of your life.
by: E.B. Johnson
There are a lot of us out there that knows what it means to deal with toxic men. From our fathers to our partners, we have experienced their poisonous behaviors right down the line. They abuse us and demean us. They dismiss us and expect us to pick up all the emotional slack. Millions of us are surrounded by toxic men day-in and day-out. Protecting ourselves becomes a must. But doing that asks some pretty radical honesty and self-respect of us first.
Knowing when they’re toxic.
Are you surrounded by toxic or abusive men? It’s often hard for us to see the answer. Many of us have been so conditioned to accept the abuse that we never really see what’s happening to us. Waking up is key, however, if we’re serious about being happy and in love with our lives. From abuse to dismissal, make sure you’re being honest about the toxic men that exist throughout your life.
They’re abusive
Do you have a father, partner, or friend that engages in abusive behaviors? Maybe they manipulate and terrorize you emotionally. Perhaps they abuse your finances, or hit you when you upset them or “step out of line”. There’s no excuse for this type of behavior. What’s worse, there’s so many ways to subtly abuse someone in irreparable ways. In every instance, abuse is wrong.
They’re dismissive
Dismissal is yet another warning sign of a toxic man in our lives. Whether a partner or a friend, the men we love shouldn’t dismiss us or our dreams and emotions. If they aren’t willing to listen to you and support you, then they don’t have your best interests at heart. Nothing gives them the right to criticize you and tear you down.
They belittle you
Does your male partner belittle or demean you? Do they make fun of you and go out of the way to humiliate you whenever they can (especially when it’s a public event)? This isn’t normal behavior, nor is it healthy. Good men don’t behave this way. They build their partners up and do what they can to make them feel secure in themselves and relationship they share.
They expect it all
Some men expect it all in their relationships with women. They expect you to carry all the physical and emotional labor, putting you out of your comfort zone day-in and day-out in an effort to suit their own agendas. That’s not how healthy, loving, and supportive relationships work on any plane. No matter what space the man in your life inhabits, their relationship with you should be a 50/50 give-and-take in adulthood.
They want power
Are you dealing with a partner, parent, or male friend who has an overwhelming desire for power? Maybe they try to exercise power over you by controlling everything you do. Perhaps they try to control the lives and beliefs of others in an effort to prove their status and masculinity. In all instances, this is a dangerous red flag. Men obsessed with power will always put it before all things.
What you have to do about it.
Are you waking up to the fact that you’re surrounded by toxic or otherwise abusive men? You don’t have to remain stuck, small, and scared. You can make different choices, change your attitudes, and shift your beliefs. By setting stronger boundaries and ridding yourself of the toxins in your life, everything can be turned around for the better.
1. Rebuild your self-esteem
Self-esteem is an inevitable first step on the road to dealing with narcissists, abusers, and all other manner of arrogant men. You need to have an armor of self-respect and self-belief that is so strong, no petty emotional barbs can wound you. This takes time, though. And it asks that you fall entirely and unashamedly in love with yourself. Once you feel strong in who you are, you can defeat the men around you that have been fed strength their whole lives.
You’re not going to be able to see yourself or the world around you accurately until you see yourself as you are. This requires loving yourself and being confident in who you are and what you want. Rebuilding your self-esteem is the best way to do that.
Start by falling in love with all the things you already like about your life and your body. Embrace these things and the joy that they bring you. Once you can celebrate these parts of yourself, turn to the things that you consider weaknesses. You have to embrace these doubts and insecurities in order to accept who you are as a whole. When you do that, everything changes. You stop settling for subpar people, places, and experiences.
2. Spot the signs of toxicity
Arming yourself with knowledge is one of the best things you can do when dealing with toxic people in any format. Learn everything you can about what it means to be a toxic person, then look at your own life. What toxic behaviors or cycles are you still allowing yourself to fall into. Waking up to these ultimate truths helps to illuminate the situations that we’re in and the toxic men in our lives.
Be brutally honest with yourself and fess up when you see toxic behavior around you. It doesn’t matter if the toxic men are your partners, your fathers, or your friends. Toxic, manipulative, and abusive behavior is all equally damaging. Arm yourself in knowledge and be aware of the signs.
It’s time for you to take off the rose-tinted glasses. You’ve got to stand strong in your truths and be honest. You deserve more than loved ones who push you around, tear you down, take advantage of you, or otherwise dismiss your needs. Just as the men in your life demand comfort, respect, support, and love — you have a right to expect the same. None of that can come into your life, though, until you confront your life and relationships honestly and courageously.
3. Create better boundaries
Building boundaries is another must when it comes to toxic men. You need to learn how to put up the right walls so the wrong people don’t wreak havoc in your life. Focus on the way you want to feel and the way you want to be treated. Every good relationship requires good boundaries. How do you expect to be treated by the men in your life? How will you ensure that these demands are met?
It’s not always possible to cut out the toxic men in our lives entirely — and many of us don’t want to do that. If this sounds like you, then you have to get wise about setting boundaries. Draw the line when it comes to your happiness, your hope, and all things need and respect.
Get used to saying “no” and saying it often. Stop pouring yourself into people who can’t even make dinner. Life is not centered around imbalanced relationships. Happiness comes when we put ourselves in reciprocal relationships with people who give as good as they get. You don’t have to be all things to all people. Let them see to their own needs, and you spend some time figuring out where your limits lie, what you expect from them, and what you are and are not willing to accept in terms of behavior and belief.
4. Cut out the poison
Fact of the matter is that some people don’t deserve to be in our lives, no matter who they are. Whether it’s your father or a man you’ve loved for 70 years, an abusive person is an abusive person. They don’t deserve your love. They don’t deserve your respect. Some people — like dead tissue — need to be cut out of our lives. Sure, the initial cut hurts, but you hardly remember that after the euphoria of healing.
While you may not be able to cut out everyone, some of the toxic men in your life have to go. Like it or not, romantic partners and friendships are expendable. You’re not beholden to keeping these poisonous people around. Drop the ax on the friendship and sever your ties. You don’t need to be held down by someone who is an option in your life.
When it comes to dealing with the toxic men in your family, things can be trickier. In some cases, communication has to be kept open — even if only from a distance. Give yourself space from this person and make sure you have as much physical and emotional distance as possible. Little-by-little, let their poison drain from your life. Don’t tell them anything serious about your life, and don’t give them any leeway to impact you, your family, or your loved ones. Pull away until there’s enough space to protect yourself.
5. Radically shift your beliefs
There’s no denying that a lot of us have toxic beliefs when it comes to toxic men. We believe we can fix them. We believe we can love them hard enough to show them the light. Some of us even believe that we deserve to be subjected to whatever men want to do to them. But again, this is a false, toxic, and detrimental belief. Shifting your beliefs has to happen if you want to make sure you don’t get taken in by another toxic man in the future.
Radically shift the way you think about yourself and your relationship with men. They are no different from anyone else. They have the same emotional needs, and the same intelligence and potential as all of us. However, many of them choose to isolate themselves emotionally and maintain the status quo.
See them as the humans that they are. Strip off the emperor’s clothes and lay his insecurities bare. Men have no right to hold the power of your life — in any respect or regard. They have no right to tell you what to believe, how to act, or what to do with your body. If the men in your life don’t respect your dreams, desires, needs, hopes, and fears, find people who do. There’s no excuse for not supporting you anymore. They can either show up physically, mentally, and emotionally…or they can get out of the way for those who will.
Putting it all together…
If the men in your life are toxic, burying your head in the sand will do nothing to protect you or your happiness. You have to take steps to do that for yourself. But that can only happen once you admit the caliber of men that are in your life and accept them for who they are — and who they will never be.
Rebuild your self-esteem so that you have the power to stand strong and rebuild your life away from the machinations and manipulations of the toxic men in your life. Once you feel more confident, look at your relationships for what they really are and accept their toxic nature. Learn everything you can about toxic and abusive behaviors, and the many ways in which the men in your life may be exploiting them. Create better boundaries and get better at saying no. Make the men in your life take accountability for their own happiness for a change. Sever ties with those who are abusive or otherwise dangerous. You can’t afford to keep them in your life. Above all else, though, shift the way you think about men and your connection with them. No one has a right to treat you badly, no matter what station they inhabit in life.
