The Life-Changing Magic of Becoming a Vulnerable Man

It’s the key to better relationships and a fulfilled life.

Vulnerability is strength. Those who can’t make themselves vulnerable aren’t strong enough.

About a year ago, I drove to my hometown to visit my family. On a beautiful day right between spring and summer, my mum and I went to a nearby castle where they sell the most delicious pieces of cake you’ll ever taste.

A lot of people say they have the best mum in the world, and although I don’t believe in such comparisons, I’m no exception. I can’t imagine having a better relationship with her.

With 27 years and counting, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to mess up in my life — and trust me when I say I made use of them. Despite that, she has never let me down. Not once. There is something unique about the way a mother loves you that you can’t compare to anything else.

After we had an appetizing stroll and made it through two ridiculously large pieces of heavenly strawberry cake, we enjoyed the afternoon sun on our faces and chatted for a while. About relationships, about the weather, about the world, about people, about everything.

When I was least expecting it, she dropped it onto me:

“Moreno, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

She said it sincerely but casually, with the same implicitness she had talking about the weather before.

I sat there, not knowing how to respond. No, that’s not true. I knew how to respond. The problem was that I couldn’t. I wanted to tell her how much that meant to me and thank her for never letting me down. I wanted to tell her that I love her.

But I wasn’t able to. I was too afraid of making myself vulnerable, of appearing weak in front of my own mom. How weird is that?

The Vulnerability Issues We All Have

As men, we often find ourselves in these situations. We would love to say or do something, but our fear of vulnerability holds us back.

Don’t believe me? I’ll give you some more examples and I owe you a beer if you can’t find yourself in at least one of these.

• You often find yourself stuck in boring conversations and shallow topics because you’re afraid of sharing what really moves and interests you. You are afraid you might say something stupid or upset the other person because you don’t know how they will react.
• You’re stuck in a job or a lifestyle you don’t enjoy or even dislike because you did what other people told you. They said it would be great and you didn’t want to disappoint or upset them.
• When you accidentally lock eyes with a stranger, you quickly look away. You don’t smile at them because that makes you feel like a weirdo.
• You don’t dress yourself overly well, or exercise and groom as much as you’d like to because it makes you feel uncomfortable. You don’t want to stand out or get negative comments. Plus, stuff like fashion, personal hygiene, and spending time and money to look good is for women, right?
• You don’t ask women out openly because you’re afraid of the rejection — or, even worse, someone might see it.

Vulnerability is choosing to not hide your emotions and desires but putting yourself out there without knowing what will happen.

But why do men perceive that as weak? And how can it help you solve your issues, create superior relationships, and succeed in life?

You Become What You Try to Avoid

“Basically, men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.”

— Brené Brown

When I first heard about the concept of vulnerability and freely expressing your emotions, I had the same reaction all men have.

“Emotions? Being vulnerable? Yeah right. That’s some girl shit.”

If you are a man, you aren’t used to expressing our emotions and think that doing so will make you seem weak.

I don’t blame you. It’s baked into your head from the first time you scrape your knee as a kid and your dad or grandpa tells you to “man up” or that “only girls cry.”

From that point in time, society conditions you to think that emotions aren’t something you should concern yourself with because they are a sign of weakness. Real men are hard as steel and nothing will get them off course.

You buy into this myth when you go through high school and university and hang out with “the boys.”

The world’s leading shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown asked men to define shame. Here are some of the answers:

“Shame happens when people think you’re soft. It’s degrading and shaming to be seen as anything but tough.”

“Revealing any weakness is shaming. Basically, shame is weakness.”

As a man, weakness results in shame — so you will bend over backward to avoid it.

Bar fights don’t start because one guy spills his beer on someone or is otherwise looking for trouble. They start because two guys are afraid of being seen as weak if they don’t prove themselves in a fight and smash the other’s skull in.

A friend of mine once did a handstand on a barbecue grid while the coals were still glowing because someone called him a pussy for not doing it. Imagine the sound of chicken breast sizzling on a hot grill. He was young and dumb, but the scars were still there when he was older and wiser.

So many women I’ve talked to say that they want to deepen the relationship they have with their boyfriend and feel loved, but he can’t talk about and express his feelings.

The thing is that by trying to avoid seeming weak, you become weak.

You’re too weak to give a fuck about other’s opinions and stand with your own.

You’re too weak to say that you’re not going to fight or burn your hands on the barbecue because you think it’s stupid.

You’re too weak to tell a woman that you love her because it means to give her some power over you.

You’re too weak to express your emotions and make yourself vulnerable.

Supercharge Your Life

“The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous.”

— Brené Brown

Making yourself vulnerable takes strength and is strength. These are two distinct parts.

It takes strength because you have to put yourself out there and show your emotions without knowing how people will respond. You have to step out on the stage without knowing if they will throw eggs and tomatoes or break into deafening applause.

It is strength because you can only create superior relationships and succeed in life if you make yourself vulnerable. It’s the prerequisite and as such, any man who can make himself vulnerable has a competitive advantage.

Here are some examples of vulnerability and how it will tremendously improve your life.

Better relationships

This is by far the biggest benefit of vulnerability. Acting tough and unphased, not sharing your feelings, and not investing is a surefire way to kill any relationship.

Have you ever had a workout buddy, a coworker, or a woman in your life that you could talk and hang out with but never “clicked?”

That’s because any great relationship or friendship needs a connection on an emotional basis, which requires both parts to make themselves vulnerable. You have to put yourself on the line and share your feelings towards the other person.

This isn’t only the case when you feel positive about another person, but also when you have something negative to say.

If your partner, coworker, or some random dude at the bar keeps making insensitive remarks and jokes on your expense, your default reaction is to “take it like a man” and grow a thicker skin. Unfortunately, this won’t make the relationship any better — quite the opposite.

But if you grow the emotional balls to stand up and tell them how their words make you feel and ask them politely to keep their fucking mouth shut, that’s going to make an impact. Again, you will have to put yourself on the line first.

Personal growth

I’ll admit it. Every time I have to apologize and say “I messed up, I’m sorry”, it makes me uncomfortable. It sends cold shivers down my spine and sometimes I need multiple attempts. Why? Because I make myself vulnerable.

To learn from your mistakes, you first have to admit that you messed up and aren’t perfect. You have to take that difficult first step of subjecting yourself to others’ judgment. This is especially difficult as a man because in our heads, failure equals weakness.

Failure isn’t weakness. Weakness is not having the guts to admit you did wrong.

Show strength by admitting that you did wrong. Growth can only happen when you acknowledge that you aren’t perfect.

A fulfilled life

One of life’s very simple rules is no risk, no reward. The most beautiful things in life require you to take the biggest risks.

I don’t know how many times I saw a beautiful woman, approached her, and got rejected — sometimes in very hurtful ways. But without taking the risk of rejection, you won’t experience love.

I don’t know how many times I came up with an idea and pitched it to a friend or shaped it into an article only to see that other people didn’t like it at all. But without taking the risk of being judged by others, you won’t create something great and meaningful.

I’ve put a lot of time and effort into maintaining friendships that weren’t worth it in the end. But without taking the risk of wasting your energy with friendships that aren’t worth it, you’ll never get to the ones that are.

I’ve changed my opinion about my career tons of times and turned down promising job offers. But without taking the risk of dropping a job and getting out of a career that doesn’t fulfill you, you’ll never find the one that does.

The truly meaningful and important things in life don’t come for free. They require you to take risks and make yourself vulnerable.

Meaning and purpose

One of my favorite topics to talk about is the meaning of life. I’ll save you hours of philosophical arguments and just say this:

The meaning of life is to find meaning in yours.

You have to give meaning to your life and live the way you seem fit for yourself — whether that means working a 9 to 5 to support your family, engaging in politics, become an entrepreneur whose ideas change the world, or help starving kids in third-world countries.

Whatever you want out of life — it requires authenticity. It requires you to do the things you want to do instead of what everyone else says you should do.

Looking left when everyone looks right is scary. Living your life the way you want to means you have to make yourself vulnerable.

But it is only through this vulnerability that you can be authentic, find meaning in your life, and do what you set out to do.

Conquering your fears and what holds you back

Like you, I have lots of things I’m afraid of. Physical pain. Losing loved ones without being able to say goodbye. Not achieving my dreams and feeling like a failure. Having my heart broken. Forgetting to put on deodorant and stinking up a bus.

Our fears often make us miserable and hold us back in life. You’re afraid of being cheated on, so you’re lacking trust and can’t build a relationship. You’re afraid of public speaking, so you don’t ask for a promotion because it involves giving presentations. You’re afraid of seeming weak, so you deny and mask your insecurities instead of admitting and working on them.

The first step to overcoming the fears and hurdles in your life is to admit that they are real. You can’t fight an invisible enemy.

And that, my fellow man, requires vulnerability. It requires you to be strong enough to stand up and say Yes, I am afraid.

The Number One Rule of Vulnerability

Now that I showed you what vulnerability is, let me show you what it is not.

It is not emotional vomiting, oversharing, or manipulation.

Don’t vomit your feelings (or something else) all over someone because you think it will make your relationship better.

Don’t share every detail about your life with everyone because you have heard that vulnerable people are more likable.

Don’t tell someone about your emotions because you want to elicit a certain reaction.

The number one rule of vulnerability is to be genuine. Again, because I want this to sink in.

The number one rule of vulnerability is to be genuine.

It is not about what you do, but why you do it.

When I tell someone about how sad I was when my dog died because I want to share these thoughts and let the other person in, I’m vulnerable. If I do so to show them my sensitive side and paint a certain image of myself, I’m being manipulative.

Vulnerability isn’t about making yourself look vulnerable. It’s about genuinely expressing how you feel without knowing what will happen.

Becoming comfortable with vulnerability is hard. It involves accepting your faults, fears, desires, dreams, hopes, and expressing your emotions.

These are all big and sometimes ugly things most men have never learned to deal with. As such, you won’t acquire the ability to make yourself vulnerable overnight. It will be a long and sometimes excruciating process.

But it will be worth it. To become a vulnerable man will not only change your relationships but also your life in ways you can’t imagine.

The number one issue we inevitably run into when making ourselves more vulnerable is fretting about what others might think of us. This one will help you let go of that.

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