Don’t Be a Doormat — 8 Toxic People to Avoid like the Plague

Yes, your friends might be the ones making your life worse.

“You are the average of the five people you associate with most, so do not underestimate the effects of your pessimistic, unambitious, or disorganized friends. If someone isn’t making you stronger, they’re making you weaker.”

— Timothy Ferriss

I’ve been called heartless, pragmatic, emotionally cold, and selfish more times than I can count — because I got rid of negative people and friends who held me back.

Am I all of these things? I like to think no, but that’s for other people to judge.

Here’s what I am instead. I know what I want, who adds value to my life, who makes me feel good and happy, who gives me energy, and whom I want to spend my time with — and I’m not afraid to act on it. That’s a lot more than most people have going for them.

Some friends I’ve had don’t fulfill any of these criteria, which is why the first part of this sentence is in the past tense.

I’ve always been very rigorous in cutting people out. It can be hard and it will hurt to let go of someone you’ve known for years, but I’ll tell you a harsh truth.

There is no point in spending your time with someone who sucks energy but doesn’t add value to your life.

You don’t have to drop people left and right. All of us go through tough times every now and then, so help out your friends when they are in need.

But the people who have a negative effect on your life in the long run? Cut them out without reservation and spend your time with the people who deserve it. You will be better off for it.

Think about all the people in your life that hold you back right now. Your one friend who always complains, the one who wastes your time, and the one who tells you that every idea you have is bad or too risky and you should rather stay where you are.

What is your life going to look like in a couple of years with these people around you? Not much better than today, maybe even worse. They suck energy. You’ll get worked up in their problems and don’t have any time for your own.

Now, imagine you replaced these people with friends who bring value to your life. Who encourage you. Who motivate you when things get hard. Who don’t complain but look for solutions. Who support you when you need them.

Now, what will your life look like in a couple of years? Much better than before. You’ll finally muster the courage for the project you always wanted to do because you’ve got the motivation and brains of your friends to support you. You’ll not get into toxic relationships anymore because they give you their honest opinion. You’ll surround yourself with a circle of likeminded people who have a positive outlook on life and bring tons of value to yours.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? There’s just one teeny-tiny little problem. Sometimes, it’s not so obvious who holds you back and who doesn’t.

When you know someone for too long, you can become blind to their behavior. That is why you need a little eye-opener every now and then. A little nudge that makes you go “how could I be so blind?”

That’s what this list is for.

The Ranter

“Just because some people are fueled by drama doesn’t mean you have to attend the performance.”

— Cheryl Richardson

Also known as the complainer or drama queen. My old roommate fit that category like a hand in a glove.

No intention to badmouth, just the facts. Every day, she would find something to rant about. The government. Amazon and Jeff Bezos. Weed prices. Her neighbors. The neighbor’s dog.

When I told her that she was being negative all the time, she toned it down for about an hour or two, before the whole thing started anew.

Thank god I moved out of the place before it got too bad. You can’t talk sense into a full-grown complainer. They will mess up your mood and your life by always finding things that they can complain and rant about, without any consideration for the people around them.

Ranting is a waste of energy. If you don’t pay attention and get out, their negativity will suck away your energy, affect your attitude, perception, and life.

The Exploiter

Three days ago, my now-roommate showed me a chat with a guy he had known for some years. He had helped him out multiple times, yet when the time came to reciprocate the favor, all he heard was the sound of crickets.

Not only that, the guy even blocked his number after my roommate double-texted him.

That stung. To trust someone, help them out, and consider them a friend just to see that they’re an excellent actor but not-so-excellent friend hurts.

That’s why you often refuse to accept the facts and look for excuses. Oh, he’s just busy. Maybe if I help him out with this he will give me a hand with that. I’m exaggerating, I bet he actually wants to help. Your ego can’t take the fact that they only call when they need something, but turn their back towards you when it’s the other way round.

I know that this realization can hurt, but the sooner you have it, the better. My roommate was disappointed — in the other guy and himself for not seeing clearly before. But after the initial hurt, he came to the conclusion that he’s better off for it — at least he knows where he stands with him now.

The “It’s All About Me”

Have you ever been down in life and sought out a friend for advice just to get hit with the “Dude, that sucks. I hope you’ll get better. Anyway, I’ve been at this party last week…”?

We all know at least one person who does that. Their whole world revolves around them. They have to be the center of attention.

Whether they’re in trouble or have an accomplishment to brag about, everybody and their dog has to know about it. But they don’t give a flying fuck about the issues of other people, although they pretend to do every now and then.

They will suck the energy out of your life but contribute absolutely zero by making everything about themselves. They are the center of their world and everybody else, including you, is a background artist at best.

The Disrespectful One

“I firmly believe that respect is a lot more important, and a lot greater, than popularity.”

— Julius Erving

I had a friend who, on the surface, was a splendid bloke. We had similar interests, could party, talk, and chill together, and we helped each other out when necessary.

For the whole four years of our friendship, I had the nagging feeling that something was wrong about the whole thing — like when you’ve got a small pebble in an otherwise comfortable shoe. But I couldn’t quite narrow it down.

Three months ago, he did something I considered the last straw — long story short, a girl was involved. At that moment, it fell like scales from my eyes. He didn’t respect me.

These people are often hard to detect. They don’t complain all the time. They don’t let you down when you need them. They pay back the money they borrowed from you.

What they do instead is they don’t respect you.

They do so in subtle ways that are easy to miss. You often can’t figure out what exactly is wrong but you know that something isn’t right. They crack jokes at your expense when they shouldn’t. They don’t consider your boundaries despite being aware of them. They keep on their shoes when they come into your house and sit down on your bed.

You have to respect yourself if you want other people to respect you. And part of respecting yourself is to get rid of the people who don’t.

The Naysayer & the Yaysayer

“Don’t listen to the naysayers.”

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

When I started writing and shared my work with friends for feedback, I got all sorts of responses. The whole spectrum from this is great to dude, this sucks.

I appreciated each of these opinions. I thanked people for the feedback. I got valuable insights from what people said.

There were only two incidents that caused me to reevaluate whom I want to have in my life. One was making fun of me and claiming that I’ll never make it. The other one was telling me how great everything I wrote was when it clearly wasn’t.

I love it when someone challenges my thoughts and my work. I want people in my life who give me their honest opinion.

What I don’t want is someone who discourages me and kills my inspiration and motivation or someone who gives me a fake thumbs-up when it should be a thumbs-down.

If what I do sucks, tell me — in a constructive, supportive way.

If what I do rocks, tell me — not because you think that’s what I want to hear, but because it’s your honest opinion.

Your friends should support you. And support neither means to make fun of you and your dreams nor to blow smoke up your ass, but to give their honest opinion and critique you in a constructive way.

The “Fix My Life for Me”

“People with a style of denial and blaming are definitely on the list of unsafe people to avoid.”

— Henry Cloud, Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t

Also known as “the blamer”. They are easy to confuse with the complainer, and often a person will be both at the same time.

The difference is that the blamer doesn’t rant about random events or people that much, but rather blames everything wrong with their life on externals.

Failed an exam? The questions were unfair.

Late to your appointment? Traffic was a bitch.

Didn’t get the job? It’s because you gave them the wrong advice for their interview.

They fail to take responsibility for their own life and in turn, they often rely on you to fix it for them. They bring a truckload of problems and issues with them, accompanied by an “I’m not good at this/I don’t know how this works, can you do it for me?”

They feel entitled to you or someone else saving them because after all, it’s not their fault, right? They weren’t born with the necessary skills and character traits. They’re not to blame, someone else is.

There is no point in helping these people out. They are a bottomless pit. As soon as they encounter the next obstacle, they’ll be back to square one.

If you want to support them, tell them they have to take responsibility for their own life and turn down the entitlement a notch or two. But until they have done that, stay clear of them.

The “Everything Is Great as It Is”

I come from a small village in rural Germany. I’m 27 now, and about 50% of the people I went to school with have never lived somewhere else, not even for a while. They dwell in their parents’ house until they move in with their significant other in the same village or a neighboring one. Sure, they might cross a border when they take their yearly vacation, but apart from that, they never really leave the place.

The sentence you’ll always hear from them is “I feel great here, so why should I leave?” I mean, I get it. It’s nice and comfy at home, you’ve got all your friends and family around you, and you get discounts at the local bakery.

The problem is that these people are not only stuck in a geographical sense, but also in their mindset. They aren’t open to new experiences. They reject everything that is outside of what they know.

To them, it’s all given and fixed. They are deep inside their comfort zone and don’t want to leave it. Even worse, they make fun of the people who are eager to challenge and improve themselves. “Haha, why should I do that? Everything’s great as it is.”

These people will stifle your growth — they’ll hold you back because they are afraid to challenge themselves.

The “Don’t Worry, I’m Gonna Pay You Back”

“If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it’s probably worth it.”

— Sam Ewing

I’ve got a few, simple rules when it comes to lending and borrowing money. It’s sad, but I’ve seen a lot of ugly shit happening when it comes to money in friendships.

First, I only lend money that I am comfortable losing.

Second, the above quote.

Third, if you borrow money from someone, it’s your job to pay it back without the other person having to ask for it.

There are very few things I hate more than having to chase my own dollars. I don’t mind if I have to remind people once or twice, but after that it gets annoying. It’s a waste of my time, energy, and brainpower, on top of not having my own bucks at my disposal.

See, someone was doing you a favor when you were in need, so you should do them the favor of settling your debt without being asked.

Unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way. Despite being a student, I’m always happy to help someone with a few bucks if I can. But if that someone doesn’t adhere to rule no. 3, I don’t see the point.

Not paying you back is often a symptom of another underlying issue. Either they don’t respect you, are all over the place, or have very different values.

Either way, they will waste your energy, time, and sometimes money, and aren’t a person you want to have in your life.

Knowing Is Easy, Taking Action Is Hard

It’s one thing to open your eyes and detect these people in your life. But it’s another matter altogether to act upon it.

Even if the negative effects these people have on your life are obvious, it can be hard to give them the boot or at least reduce the time you spend with them.

You’ll find yourself in constant loops of “But I like him, he’s fun to hang out with. He just has his quirks, it isn’t that bad.”

Have you ever put on a heavy backpack and walked around with it for half a day? After a couple of hours, you don’t feel the weight anymore — but once you take it off, it’s an incredible relief.

The same goes for your friends. We humans have an inbuilt need for harmony and relationships — our egos will mask a lot of the deficiencies to pretend everything’s smooth sailing.

When you get to the point where you question the friendship, it’s a surefire indicator that something is wrong and needs to change.

I know because I’ve been in this position many times. I’ve had these thoughts and struggled with myself as well.

But do you know what? Out of all the people I ever gave the boot to, I don’t regret a single one. My life has taken a turn for the better every time.

In the short run, you might feel lonely and think it was a mistake. But by freeing up space in your life, you make it possible for someone else to enter. And this person might prove to be a better friend than the one you had before.

Solutions First, Replacements Second

When a relationship has taken a hit, I always look for a solution other than saying goodbye. Friendships take a long time to build and good ones are hard to come by, so you should always look for a fix before cutting them off.

Quite often, people will show bad behavior but aren’t aware of it. Tell them. If you two are good friends, you can talk about these issues.

We are all humans and as such, we all have our own faults. Give your friends time to work on theirs.

If nothing changes, that sucks, but at least you know where you stand with them. Apparently, their relationship with you wasn’t worth their time or effort. That hurts, but at least you can call it off in good conscience after you’ve given them the opportunity for betterment.

Letting go of someone can be hard, but necessary. If you don’t get rid of the toxic people in your life, they will always hold you back.

Life is too short to hang out with people who don’t make yours better. Let go. You’ll be better off without them.

Gauging your friendships is one thing — but romantic relationships require a different approach.

PS: If you like my style of writing and don’t want to miss out, feel free to subscribe to my tiny little newsletter.