5 Pieces of Unconventional Life Advice You Need to Hear

Don’t call yourself a grown-up before you have read these.

Last weekend, a friend that I hadn’t seen in a while visited me. We met up with some people, had drinks, and then went to a party. While we were waiting outside for a cab to pick us up, I involuntarily overheard a conversation he was having with another friend of mine. I quickly figured that I was the subject of this exchange, so I stuck around — shame on me, but I’m as curious as they come.

What he said made me smile like I hadn’t in a while. I can’t recall the exact words, but I’ll do my best.

You know what I really like about Moreno? He not only listens to you, but he gives you his honest opinion. He kicks you the real deal. Even though it’s sometimes uncomfortable to hear and feels like a hit in the face, he says what he thinks. That’s why I like talking to him — he tells you what you need to hear.

Man, did my face light up. Hearing something like that about yourself would make anyone’s day, but to me, this was even more special.

I hate sugarcoating. I don’t understand why you would say things that you know are wrong but say them anyways because you think that is what the other person wants to hear. In the end, you’ve lied to someone and that person hasn’t learned anything. No improvement at all. But hey, at least we’re best friends and I can count on you, right?! Fuck that.

Properly expressing a critical opinion without coming off as plain rude but still get your point across takes a lot of fine-tuning and calibrating.

Good thing I’ve had a lifetime to practice. In my circle of friends, I’m known as the one who speaks out what everyone else thinks. For as long as I can think, I have expressed my opinion freely, even if it did rub someone the wrong way.

I turned 27 a couple of days ago, so by no means do I have the life experience some of the older members of our society have (but I’m catching up on the grey hair so at least I look wise).

What I have, however, is that I have taken a crucial step on the way from childhood to adulthood. I don’t close my eyes to reality anymore.

When you’re a kid, your parents protect you from a lot of things. And that’s the way it should be. Childhood is supposed to be a playful time in which you can explore the world and yourself without worrying too much about a harsh reality.

But there comes a time when you have to become an adult. It doesn’t mean that you have to abandon your inner child. But it means that you have to adopt certain traits that make you an adult, or, in other words: Grow up.

One of these traits is that you face the world and accept reality as it is. No more closing your eyes. No more pretending that you don’t know about the fact that the low-quality meat you’re eating comes from animals that spend their whole life in agonizing conditions. No more stories you tell yourself about how you could achieve this or that if life just wasn’t so unfair — you’re simply not working hard enough. No more complaining about how there are no decent men or women and you always end up with an emotionally immature partner — you attract what you are, so go work on yourself instead.

In Germany, our most-sold newspaper used to have the following advertising slogan: “Every truth needs someone brave enough to say it”

Let me be that person for you.

Judge People by Their Intentions

We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.

— Stephen M.R. Covey, The Speed of Trust

I love my grandma as much as you can possibly love a grandma. These days, we’re super cool with each other. We talk about all sorts of things and I call her at least once a week. (Side note: Spend time with your loved ones before time takes away your loved ones.)

However, that wasn’t always the case. I spent a lot of my childhood and early teenage years at her place since my mum was working during the day. And we fought. Daily. For hours. We both could’ve taught a mule a thing or two about stubbornness, so when we had a disagreement, shit was bound to hit the fan.

So how did we go from daily warfare to daily appreciation and love? For many reasons — but the one that turned the whole thing upside down was that I finally matured enough to not judge her for her actions, but for her intentions.

Most of the fights we had were about school, learning, and me getting my life together. For my whole time in school, I was best in class. No exceptions. Still, she pushed on. Hard. As an immature kid, I just saw what she did — but not what she intended.

She’s a Second World War refugee who couldn’t go to university or study a language because there was no money. She experienced first-hand what it meant to not be able to pursue your dreams and make use of your talents. She felt the frustration of having to obey to an immature, plain-stupid and controlling boss just because she didn’t have a certificate that enabled her to climb higher. So naturally, she did everything to get me to not waste my time, talents, and opportunities, although she sometimes made life hell for me in the process.

And at one point, I finally understood that although her actions sometimes seemed unreasonable and, for lack of a better word, felt evil — her intentions were nothing but pure. She always wanted the best for me.

As a kid, you don’t look far enough to think of someone’s intentions. You don’t know that the shady guy promising you candy out of his van doesn’t necessarily want the best for you.

As an adult, however, you have to go beyond that. If you want to find out someone’s true character, don’t look at what they do, but why they do it.

Stop Creating Drama

You might disagree with me, but you’re very likely to create a lot of unnecessary drama on a daily basis. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. People do it all the time.

Forgot to buy something from your grocery list? Oh no, dinner is going to taste terrible.

Your boss did something that upset you? I need to look for another job, I can’t work here anymore.

You overslept? Damn, I’m gonna be late for work and my whole day will be messed up.

Calm down. Look, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t get upset about these things. If shit hits the fan, you have all the right in the world to be pissed.

The only thing I’m saying is that you should stop panicking and creating drama. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Nobody will gain anything from you throwing a fit, including yourself. In fact, all that you accomplish is digging your hole even deeper.

Take a deep breath, calm down, and then look at the situation again. The human body and mind are designed to be able to take a lot of pummeling. We are the results of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. Our species has survived and thrived in some of the most adverse conditions (ice age isn’t just a kids’ movie after all).

Do you really need to act like the world is going to end just because you spilled coffee on your pants before a meeting? Life happens. Suck it up. Show some true greatness by handling it like an adult.

You Cannot Make Someone Change

And you don’t want to. Ever. Changing someone is what Mark Manson calls a boundary violation. Making someone change means using either manipulation or coercion, both of which will damage your relationship and undermine trust.

But what can you do if there is someone in your life that you don’t want to let go, but at the same time their behavior drives you nuts? Like that one friend whom you’d trust with everything you have but who can’t show up on time, even if his life depended on it.

While you can’t make someone change, you can inspire them so they decide to change themselves.

Real change comes from within, not from the outside.

So how do you inspire someone to embark on this path?

Lead by example. If you want your friend to be on time, be on time yourself. I know that it can be frustrating in the beginning because you need to wait for them, but if they see you not practicing what you preach, good luck. Be the change you want to see in the world.

Don’t give them answers to their problems. Ask the right questions instead. I know it’s tempting to blurt out advice for your friend any chance you get because you think you know how to make their life better, so why not? Because no matter how solid your advice is, you can’t force it on someone. They have to discover it themselves. And if you want to help them with this process, ask them the right questions. A simple “Don’t you think your behavior is very disrespectful to the people around you? Why do you think that your time is worth more than others’, so they have to wait for you?” goes a lot further than “You have to be on time or else I’m gonna be real pissed.”

Offer help without expectations. Even if you give rock-solid advice and have the best of intentions, there is one thing you have to understand: You are in no position to give someone orders on how to live their life — that is their responsibility. So don’t expect them to take up on your offer nor be upset when they don’t listen to your advice. Simply do your best and then let life happen. Outcome independence, baby.

You Might Not be at Fault, but You are Responsible

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you’re a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you’re a vegetarian.

— Dennis Wholey

Ahhh. One of my favorite topics. I don’t know why, but a good 95% of people I meet miss the connection between fault and responsibility.

In theory, it’s pretty easy: You mess up (your fault), you have to make up for it (your responsibility).

You run a red light and hit someone (your fault), you have to compensate them in one way or the other (your responsibility).

This is obvious. Unfortunately, this is only one side of the coin. And most people refuse to look beyond it.

When something happens to them that wasn’t their fault, they refuse to deal with it. They think that because it wasn’t their wrongdoing, it shouldn’t have an impact on their life.

Let me tell you something. Life doesn’t care. Bad things will happen, and even if it isn’t your fault, it still is your responsibility to deal with it.

My family recently had to deal with two cases of severe cancer. Which option do you think is better: Sit there and complain to the doctor about how it isn’t your fault that your grandma gets eaten away by a lump of mutating cells running amok — or drive her to the hospital for her examinations, talk for hours about the pros and cons of chemotherapy and call her every other day to see how she’s doing?

You can’t avoid your responsibility. If you want to chicken out, call your mum, and ask what to do, that was your decision. If you decide to do nothing at all, that still was your decision.

Life isn’t predictable. Life isn’t fair. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. It will put a spoke in your wheel, just as it will put things in your lap.

Whatever path your life takes, things will happen to you that are not your fault. Stop running away from them. You can’t. Take responsibility instead.

Don’t be afraid to let go

Two years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. I’ll spare you the details, but the breakup was huge, nasty, and left me emotionally messed up for a long time.

Two months later, while I was still neck-deep in the aftermath, I decided to end my friendship with one of the very few people that had always had my back and that I could always go to — my best friend of twelve years.

Removing the two people that were closest to me right after another left a huge hole in my life. I spent a ton of time alone, without a plan on how to fill this huge hole that had opened up in front of me and the loneliness that was slowly swallowing me.

So why would I ditch my best friend right after breaking up with my girlfriend and being down in the dumps because of it?

Because I have principles. Because I know what I am worth. Because I know when someone adds value to my life and when they don’t. And because I am not afraid to act upon it. And neither should you.

Letting go is something we humans are deeply afraid of. We attach a higher value to something we have than to something we don’t have. In a study, participants would pay only about half as much for a mug as they required to sell it once it was theirs.

We often want to hold on to things until something better shows up. We want to make a safe bet. The thought of letting go of something but then not be able to replace it immediately gives us the shivers. Who are we going to talk to when our best friend isn’t there anymore?

Life doesn’t work that way. You can’t hold on to everything and then, when something shiny comes around that looks better, you trade in your old stuff. Nuh-uh.

Once you muster the courage to let go of something and open up space for something new, that’s when life presents you with a gift. But you have to let go first.

In my case, life stepped in pretty quickly. I became much closer with my then flatmates and they did a more-than-amazing job at filling the gaps that had opened up until the gaps were no more. Guys, if you ever read this, I owe you big time.

The final step came soon after when I moved to another town for my studies. I met a ton of cool people, and because I had freed up more than enough space in my life, I was able to build something new with them.

The lesson here is the following. Don’t be afraid to let go. It can be an incredibly hard step at first, but if you feel like someone or something in your life holds you back, let go. Life will find a way to offer you something new. It might take a while and you might have to go through some hard times. But ultimately, it will work out. And you will be able to look back and not regret a single thing, just like I can do now.

You decide how you play your cards

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.

— Randy Pausch

To everyone who hasn’t heard the name Randy Pausch before: He was a professor for computer science at the Carnegie Mellon University of Pennsylvania. In 2006, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, which he died from in 2008. Although he was confronted with a terminal illness, he decided that he would still hold the traditional “Last Lecture”, during which he dropped the above gem.

It’s a great way to sum up all the points I’ve made. You can’t change the hand life deals you. As an adult, you have to face reality. There is no bending the rules as you do for little kids so they don’t throw a fit when they lose a game. The rules are made, the cards are dealt, and there is nothing you can do about that. What you can do, however, is decide how to play them.

You decide if you judge someone by what they do, or if you want to go beyond that and ask why.

You decide if you let yourself be tossed around by life and panic every chance you get, or if you behave like an adult and get your shit together.

You decide if you try and force someone to change, or if you accept that everyone has their own life and that all you can do is help them to change themselves.

You decide if you want to run away from things that aren’t your fault, or if you want to grow a pair and face your responsibilities.

You decide if you let people walk all over you and hold you back, or if you muster the courage and let go despite your fear of the unknown.

Whatever you do, choose wisely.

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