How to Apologize Like a Pro: Lessons from 20 Years of Messing Up

Don’t make the same mistakes I made.

Damn son, you should not have said that. I was sitting on my bed, staring into space, feeling my heartbeat slowing down and my breathing becoming calmer. The words that I had screamed out a minute ago were echoing in my head, like a scratched CD looping and then slowly fading out.

I will spare you the details, but I used to say some nasty things when I was in a heated argument. Nowadays, I have a lot more self-control, but if I didn’t pay attention back in the day, I’d make the four riders of the apocalypse look like a bunch of cute puppies tripping over each other. And on this Wednesday evening about two years ago, I had said some things that you definitely should not say to your mom.

In my life, I have messed up more times than I can count. That’s probably true for most people, but I was what you’d call an inconsiderate asswipe for quite some years. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have, did a lot of things I shouldn’t have done and hurt a lot of people’s feelings in the process. From cheating on my first girlfriend to waking up my roommates in the middle of the night and betraying other people when they trusted me with their feelings. While I don’t regret anything that has happened in my life, I definitely felt and feel a lot of remorse for the things I did.

So as you can imagine, through all these years, I had to do a ton of apologizing. And, as they say, practice makes perfect — so by now, I do know a thing or two about expressing your remorse and calming the waves.

That isn’t to say that I could obtain forgiveness for everything — some wounds are just too deep — but by now I definitely know how to formulate an apology that gets your further than a simple I’m sorry.

First things first: Being good at apologizing isn’t a permission to behave like an immature jerk but rather a useful conversational skill to have.

When you mess up, you often feel sincerely sorry. You’d give everything you have for the other person to realize how you feel and forgive you.

But often, meaning something and finding the right words to express it are two very different things. Although you try everything you can, your pleading often falls on deaf ears. Not because you don’t mean it or the other person isn’t willing to forgive you — but because finding the right words for such a delicate topic as a sincere apology can be tricky.

However, if you stick to a couple of basic rules and use the ingredients that are key to any good apology, you tremendously increase the chances of getting your points across and the other person forgiving you.

Apologies Are Like Healing a Fractured Bone

Your relationship with someone can be seen as a bone. If you mess up, you fracture it. If you don’t treat a fractured bone properly, it will still heal — but it’s likely to become crooked.

The same happens to your relationship when you don’t apologize — the other person might still talk to you, but they’ll always carry around an ugly reminder of what happened. If you apologize, you will not only heal the fracture, but the bone will also grow back stronger in the process.

So when should you apologize and try to heal the bone? Let’s cut straight to the point here. If you messed up, and the person you hurt means anything to you, go and apologize. I don’t care if they wronged you as well. I don’t care if you have a good excuse for behaving the way you did. And I especially don’t care if it hurts your pride.

I know it takes courage to admit you were wrong, but that’s what you get for messing up. If you want to be an adult, go and apologize.

Be Sincere

This is your make-or-die. If you’re sincere about your apology and mean it, that’s half the battle. Actually, more like 90%.

People have powerful bullshit detectors — and they are especially sensitive when they are already hurt. If you get caught red-handed and the other person gets the feeling that you’re only pretending — good luck. You hopped out of the frying pan, straight into the fire.

I wish I could feed you some magic pill here, but the only thing I can say is this: Apologize with sincerity or don’t apologize it at all.

Acknowledge That You Made a Mistake

This will be the hardest part for most of you. Admitting that you messed up is never easy. All of your body and mind will try to hold you back.

However, there’s no way around it. You need to say the words. “I’m sorry. I said things that I shouldn’t have and that were very hurtful.” Even typing this gives me a slight feeling of uneasiness as it reminds me of the countless occasions when I had to bite the bullet.

There are two things you might wish to consider during this step.

1. First, it helps to practice in front of a mirror. If you can utter these words while you’re looking at your sorry self, the step to saying them in front of someone else isn’t that big anymore.
2. Second, this isn’t the time for beating around the bush. Bite the bullet, cut to the chase, and get it out. Also, don’t downplay what you did. You’re there to apologize, so lay it on the line.

It’s About How You Made Them Feel, Not What You Did

Do you know what the most common error is people make when apologizing? They focus on what they did, instead of how they made the other person feel.

When people are hurt, they want to be understood. They want you to understand how they feel: Their hurt. Their pain. Their grief. Their anger. You can tell your wife all night long how you didn’t mean to check out that hot waitress’ behind, but if you don’t talk to her feelings, you’re still going to spend the night on the couch.

Don’t worry if you don’t exactly know why the other person is upset or how they feel — their head isn’t made of glass after all. But you can still show some consideration. A simple “I know what I did wrong, but I would like to know how that made you feel in order to understand you better and avoid hurting you in the future. Could you please explain it to me?” will get your point across.

Once you know about their feelings, tell them that it wasn’t your intention to make them feel that way. Show some empathy. Calmness will extinguish anger, love will heal pain.

Offer to Make Up For It

‘Words are from the lips, actions are from the heart.’— Rashida Costa, 365 Days Smarter

Actions speak more than words, and that’s especially true when it comes to apologies. By offering to make up for something, you show that you really mean what you say.

We humans always strive for balance — when we receive a gift, we feel compelled to say thanks and get the other person something for their birthday as well. When someone cuts us off in traffic, we call them a bunch of a- and f-words and wish them explosive diarrhoea in the middle of a staff meeting.

Apologies are no exception to this rule. When someone has been wronged, their desire for balance demands that the person who did wrong makes up for it. This is your chance to show that you are considerate.

I usually ask the person if there is anything I can to do make up for what I did, although you can also be proactive and write them a hand-written note or bake some brownies for them to underline your sincerity.

Whatever you do, keep in mind that it shouldn’t look like you’re trying to buy their forgiveness. Offering to make up should always be a part of your apology, but never the core.

The Last Step: Ask For Forgiveness

Now that you have admitted that you did wrong, considered the other person’s feelings and asked how you can make up for it, you’re ready to ask for forgiveness.

This is also a good opportunity to sum up the whole conversation and show the other person that you didn’t just run a script but actually listened to them.

But no matter how well-spoken you are and how smooth the whole thing goes down, you have to know one thing: You are asking for forgiveness — you’re not entitled to it.

No matter how much effort you put into your apology and how sincere you were about it, it is still up to the other person if they forgive you. If they don’t, you have to accept that. Period. The worst thing you can do in that case is to demand forgiveness.

The Pitfalls of Apologies

‘Never ruin an apology with an excuse.’ — Benjamin Franklin

Now that you know how to construct a proper apology, let me tell you about some of the pitfalls of apologies that people fall into way too often. These mistakes are easy to make and can ruin an otherwise perfect and sincere apology, so stay clear.

• Coming up with excuses. While it can be important to explain why you behaved the way you did so the other person understands your motivation, you never want to frame it as an excuse. The moment you act like your behaviour wasn’t your fault, the other person’s eyeballs are going to roll back into their head so far that they can see their own brain thinking. Whatever you did, it was your decision and now you have to own it.
• Focusing on how you’re feeling bad. It’s cool to let the other person know that you didn’t sleep well for the last week because you messed up. But don’t forget that this apology is about them, not yourself. There is nothing worse than repeating how bad you feel about the whole thing on over and over, like a mantra of self-pity. You’re feeling bad? Well, you messed up, so don’t expect any sympathy.
• Expecting instant forgiveness. Time heals a lot of wounds. Even the most talented doctor can’t heal a broken bone in an instant. Often, the other person needs time to consider all the things you have said, make up their mind, and blow off some steam. I know it is hard sitting around waiting for them to come to you, but sometimes that’s what it takes. Show some consideration and understanding and give them the time they need to settle their thoughts and feelings.

Forgiven, but not forgotten

Are you familiar with the phrase forgiven, but not forgotten? It refers to the fact that people often forgive you when you apologize, but they never forget what you did. Often, broken trust is the reason.

Just because you know how to apologize doesn’t mean you’ve got a free ride ticket for behaving like a jerk. No matter how good you are at making up for things — forgiving someone is easy, forgetting what he did not so much. And some wounds are so deep that you won’t even get to the forgiving part, let alone the forgetting.

That’s why changing your behaviour instead of apologizing for it should always be your first option. It’s always better to not mess up at all instead of having to apologize later.

The best apology is the one you don’t need to make.

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