The Kind of Man I Want to Meet After My Divorce

5 Things that are my definite deal-breakers.

It took me a long time to feel ready to date.

At times, I’m still not sure I really am. But I’m definitely making progress. I no longer joke with my boys that if they get married I’ll throw my body across the altar.

C’mon that’s some forward movement, isn’t it?

Regardless, I think the idea of remarrying is crazy talk.

I know, I’m a unicorn.

Hopefully, I won’t eat those words one day.

But hanging out with a good guy sounds nice.

I’ve spent more than a decade in the counseling and research of love. I’ve been a relationship columnist for that same amount of time. I’ve spent years in counseling and research learning about myself and my mistakes.

Because this is where our love choices stem from.

Within our own selves.

I may write about my experiences with my ex-husband but I am the one who gravitated toward him. I had to do a great deal of self-discovery before I finally felt ready to meet a man.

I needed to regain my emotional well-being and heal.

I wanted to be happy again.

This time around I’m going to look for a few things in a guy.

1. He’s gotta love his momma

He’s gotta be a guy who really loves his momma.

You can tell a lot about a man by the relationship he has with his mother.

If he treats his mom well, he will treat a woman well.

There’s truth to this.

Of course, the world is not all or nothing. There will definitely be exceptions because no family nor relationship is equal. But generally speaking, it’s a widely accepted truth.

My ex-husband ignored his mother.

Guess what? He ignored me.

He never called home. Never is an absolute that is hard to use but in this case, it was true. The two times I made him call instead of me, neither of his parents recognized his voice. They literally didn’t know who was calling.

He didn’t visit his mom in the hospital.

He didn’t go to the hospital when I had surgery.

It’s not rocket science. The relationship a man has with his mother is a valuable one. And a guy who is close to his mom respects her, values her, and wants to spend time with her is generally indicative of a good sign.

I want to be with a guy who not only loves his mother but is good to her.

2. He’s gotta be good to his kids

If I date a man with children he’s gotta be a good dad.

You can also tell a lot about a guy by how he treats his children.

When I initiated my divorce, I was disillusioned by my husband. But in a million years, I never thought he would turn out to be a man who never came looking for his children.

I can’t explain it.

It’s something I can’t wrap my head around.

It’s unnatural for a father to no longer look for his children simply because of a divorce. My now ex-husband (during a five-year divorce) never took our children for a weekend or an overnight. He never took them for a weekly dinner. He didn’t look for them on holidays.

He lived less than five miles from our house.

He showed up at their games and drove a few carpools.

The financial abuse and resistance to divorcing me caused our children a lot of pain. A few times, I tough loved our boys when they were acting out and those were the only nights they spent with their father.

I hear some divorced women complaining about not coming first.

They believe a man should put them before his children.

Not this woman.

I wanna a guy who prioritizes his kids. I’m not talking about extremes or mistreating me for the sake of them. I’m talking about the natural instincts most parents have that their kids are their world.

I want to be with a guy who is close and connected to his children.

3. He’s gotta love dogs

He’s gotta love dogs or I’m not going to want to date him.

I learned the hard way that a man who doesn’t bond with all of God’s creatures may lack something essential. I’m talking about compassion and empathy.

He doesn’t have to actually have a dog or want to own one.

He just has to love them.

Our Golden Retriever Emma moved her old tired body off her bed each night to greet my husband at the door. Each night he would walk right past her.

I would beg him to just reach down and pat her head.

He wouldn’t.

He didn’t shed a tear as he watched the vet put Emma to sleep.

There’s something about a man who loves gentle and caring creatures. There’s an innate goodness to them. Again, the world is not all or nothing. There are certainly good guys who don’t like dogs.

But I’m not taking a chance again.

I’ve experienced an empathy-lacking individual.

I’m not risking it again.

I wanna be with a guy who loves Lassie and Fido.

4. He’s gotta have some strong solid values

I want a guy with a fierce foundation who has his priorities straight.

When all hell broke loose in my marriage I hunkered down.

This otherwise good time Charlotte knew that I had to strip our lives back to the foundation. I had to get centered on my foundation. Parties aside (albeit not all together) God and family first.

I had to get my priorities straight.

I scaled back on our social calendar. I planned trips for us to take as a family. I prioritized marriage counseling. I had to put my husband, our relationship, our children, and our family first.

The situation demanded it.

But the good time Charlie I was married to didn’t.

He went out and drank and partied so much it was destructive.

You know I’m being objective because I was typically the good time Charlotte throwing back a Stella next to him. We had a great life. We didn’t have real problems. But he couldn’t see that. He just felt sorry for himself that I was unhappy.

When you have a strong sense of values it clarifies things.

It’s not the end of the world.

It’s a temporary setback and a reset.

I wanna guy who can put down the Heineken if the situation calls for it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thirsty too but you have to have your priorities straight.

The guy I date’s gotta have a strong center.

5. He’s gotta have some degree of faith

He’s gotta believe in something.

I don’t need anyone to be like me. I don’t need them to believe what I believe. But I do need them to believe in something.

I married an Irish Catholic guy I met in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

I thought we were similar.

It couldn’t have been further from the truth. He was what I call a ritualistic Catholic. He went to church. I was raised more of what I would refer to as a spiritualistic Catholic.

It guided my life.

I wasn’t raised to strictly go to church on Sundays.

I was raised to show up in life.

I’m talking about purpose, kindness, compassion, and an overall bigger sense of the world. The kind of thing that makes us small enough to remind us how big the world is.

I’m finally ready to date.

I don’t want to make the same mistakes.

I just want to meet a really nice guy.

I’m not looking to get married again.

I know, I’m a unicorn.

I’ve made progress. I no longer tell my kids I’m going to throw my body across the altar if they get married. I’m optimistic. It’s a new day.

Life is good.

Again.