I Regret Being Such a Pleaser and a Fixer Throughout My Marriage

My husband was an adult I shouldn’t have been his rescuer.

I motion to my husband and mouth some words quietly.

“Put that customer on hold,” I say.

I can tell my husband is annoyed and this isn’t going to be the best customer service call.

“Put them on hold,” I say again. “Let me talk to them.”

We are newlyweds and living in a two-bedroom apartment. One of the rooms is his home office. I am working outside of the home but it isn’t unusual for customers to call after business hours.

My husband is technically self-employed but rep’s a national company.

He’s recently gotten in trouble with his manager.

A customer was so annoyed they went up the corporate hierarchy. It didn’t turn out well for my husband. His manager insisted he attend their customer service school.

My husband was furious.

But he had no choice, he had to go.

The tone of my husband’s voice makes me worry that it’s about to happen again. He’s generally fine when dealing with the average customer. But when a customer gets very angry it solicits anger from him as well.

I take over the call.

Afterward, I attempt to reason with my husband.

“You can’t speak to customers like that,” I say.

“You should have heard the way she spoke to me,” he says.

“I get it,” I say. “But it doesn’t mean you can get angry back at a customer. You are supposed to provide customer service. This is business. There are going to be customers who are upset.”

He was unrelenting and unapologetic.

His ego wouldn’t get out of his way.

So what did I do?

I fixed the situation.

I handled the customers who got upset. And not long after, I was working full-time with my husband. He asked me to quit my job to help him grow the business.

It wasn’t unusual for me to motion to him to put someone on hold.

It didn’t end there.

Professionally, I fixed the majority of my husband’s dilemmas. I was a pleaser and a fixer and it was a natural instinct. Albeit, an extremely unhealthy one.

But he wasn’t a problem solver and I was.

In my youth, I thought that balanced us out and made us a good team.

In reality, he was a grown-ass adult.

He should have maturely been able to provide a client with the appropriate level of customer service. His wife should not have had to swoop in to rescue him.

And then there was our personal relationship.

Of course, once again, I couldn’t help myself.

My husband didn’t keep in touch with his family.

What did I do?

I kept in touch with my husband’s family. I mailed cards and pictures. I bought presents on the appropriate occasions. I called his parents.

There was an absurdity to my personality.

The pleaser and fixer.

It became abundantly clear later in our marriage.

“You should call your Dad,” I say. “He’s getting older.”

“What would I say to my Dad?” asks my husband.

“Just reach out to him,” I say. “The game is on. You can talk about that and ask him, ‘How about those Eagles?’”

My husband acquieses.

A few minutes later, I heard my husband say, “It’s me. Your son.”

The next time I see my father-in-law he mentions it to me.

“I feel terrible,” he says. “I didn’t know it was him. But you’re always the one who calls us.”

Not long after, my husband and I were driving in the car. We aren’t able to make the next trip to see his parents. I tell my husband I’m not calling this time.

I sit beside him while he dials his mother.

“It’s me,” he says annoyed. “Your son.”

You got it.

His mother didn’t recognize who was calling either.

I can’t even be irritated at my husband. Because I am so flipping aggravated with myself. It has taken me into my forties to recognize the absurdity of my own ‘pleaser and fixer’ personality.

I should never have kept the sole connection to his family.

Who does that?

He was a grown-ass adult.

It was his family.

It’s no surprise that during marriage counseling I was told that I was an enabler. And of course, a pleaser and a fixer.

I got it.

I never saw a problem I didn’t think I could fix.

It was my superpower.

But it was detrimental to my marriage.

As our marriage counselor once said, “Your husband is who he is and he did all of the things he did. But you made every choice along the way to remain and tolerate it.”

He wasn’t being critical.

He was attempting to empower me.

Because at that point, I felt taken advantage of and bitter.

It worked. I own my own behavior. I own my own personality. I own my own mistakes. I am accountable.

And I won’t make that mistake again.

Because next time…

I’ll make sure I attract myself to a grown-ass man.