Someone Insisted There’s No Way I Could’ve Been Lonely in My Marriage

It might be the most ignorantly misguided comment I’ve heard

“There’s no way someone can be lonely in a marriage,” she says.

I can’t believe these words.

They infuriate me.

I don’t respond to this ignorantly misguided comment.

It may be one of the most appalling remarks I’ve heard during my divorce. And during my years as a relationship, and divorce columnist. Fortunately, I don’t know this woman so I ignore her absurd opinion.

I remember the moment I first confessed my desperate isolation.

“I’m so lonely,” I say to my sister.

“Colleen,” she says. “I’m so sorry — it’s terrible that you feel lonely. I can’t imagine how you feel because I never felt lonely during my marriage. It’s awful.”

I limped along in my marriage for a long time after that.

Just because you live with someone, doesn’t mean you are either emotionally or physically connected to them. It doesn’t mean there is an intimacy between you.

I may not have set a misguided woman straight.

But I will set the record straight.

I can tell you that I was 100 percent devastatingly lonely in my marriage.

I can tell you divorce was heart-crushing, but a lonely marriage was soul-crushing.

I can tell you that it’s far worse feeling lonely while living with someone than living alone.

A marriage simply means you live in close proximity.

It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a healthy, connected relationship.

My husband and I did nearly everything together. We were both overly social extroverts. We appeared connected. In fact, that life of the party factor made me unaware of the extent of our lack of emotional intimacy.

The fun we were having was a distraction.

I wasn’t completely oblivious.

I knew my husband didn’t share much of my world. I knew he had no interest in what I was doing. I knew he didn’t care about what was important to me, or ease any of my worries. I knew he didn’t care about my hopes, dreams, or what brought me happiness.

Still, I thought we were well-suited in many ways.

But as we got older, the loneliness became impossible to ignore.

The isolation became oppressive.

My husband and I did a version of parallel play. Technically, we resided within the same home, but in many ways we did our own thing. There was zero emotional intimacy.

The term parallel play refers to how toddlers can play in a room together, but rather than interact, they play independently of one another. One child might be playing with cars, and the other child might be playing with action figures. There’s really no interaction.

I’m not alone.

There are plenty of people out there like me.

Lonely people in a marriage.

If you don’t believe me Google it.

There are men and women who can tell you there is such a thing as being lonely, despite being tethered to someone for life. It’s an empty existence having no one to share your hopes, fears, worries, dreams, or joy with.

It’s a sense of abandonment I’ve never experienced until marriage.

I’d never suffered this degree of emotional seclusion.

I had grown up feeling incredibly loved and a part of something wonderful. A big family that was close, connected, and caring. There was a surplus of emotional intimacy, not an emotional deficit.

When I finally confessed my loneliness to my husband, it ended my marriage.

Not immediately — his initial reaction was to win me back.

By that time, I felt so disconnected I didn’t think I would ever love him again. But I gave him another chance. I gifted my husband another opportunity.

To remind me of the emptiness between us.

One day I would find out there was a diagnosis for the extreme loneliness I endured. I had married an individual with a narcissistic personality disorder. A diagnosis my husband would receive several decades into our marriage.

A narcissist isn’t capable of emotional intimacy.

It’s not uncommon for people married to narcissists to feel lonesome.

But it’s not the only reason why married people live a solitary existence.

There are plenty of reasons besides narcissism for why marriage can become lonely. People can grow apart. One spouse can no longer feel the same about the other. There may be poor communication or zero conflict resolution.

There are a plethora of roads that lead one to feel alone, in a union of two.

One woman may insist there’s no way I could’ve been lonely in my marriage. She may even believe it. But no one can tell me, especially since I married and divorced a narcissist, that I wasn’t.

Or that feeling lonesome, while married isn’t real.

It is real.

I lived it.

I endured it.

I survived it.

I escaped it.

I don’t need to defend that to anyone.

Certainly not a woman who arrogantly insists it’s not possible.

Some comments are better left without a response. That’s the choice I made. I chose to ignore someone who couldn’t possibly understand my truth.

Let alone speak it.