When My Husband Made This Threat I Should Have Been Outraged

Instead, I foolishly brushed it off as an angry moment.

Things are not going well in my marriage. I express my unhappiness but it’s falling on deaf ears. Well, sort of. My husband isn’t listening enough to do anything about it.

But he is listening enough to threaten me.

“If you leave me,” says my husband. “I’ll make sure there’s no money and you work for the rest of your life.”

We are standing in our kitchen.

I feel this moment as if it’s yesterday. I can recount every nuance of it. I can tell you where my husband was standing. I can see his body angled slightly toward me as he turns back to make his threat.

I can see the vitriol on his face.

I can see him walking away with an arrogant bullying demeanor.

I can feel the shock pulsing through my being.

I am stunned by my husband’s words. At least I think I am. In reality, it’s because I’ve just been threatened by a man. I foolishly brush this off as anger.

I tell myself people say terrible things when a marriage is struggling.

But that isn’t true.

My husband is telling me…No, he’s warning me…Not to leave him.

Not long before, my husband surprises me again. We are in our foyer and he heads toward the coat closet. I’ve been completely transparent about my emotions, feelings, and actions.

I believe my husband is too.

But he cuts through me when he says, “I’ve gone to see a lawyer months ago. I’m not going anywhere until you have a job.”

He reduces me to tears.

I’ve been honest about everything but my husband has visited a lawyer once I’ve told him I’m unhappy. I’m working on our marriage and continuing in marriage counseling alone. He refuses to return.

My husband is watching out for himself.

Not even overtly, he’s been sneaky about it.

And I’m miserable but still exhausting myself attempting to save our marriage.

I am unaware of how dangerously daunting my husband’s threat is.

I may be a stay-at-home mother but I have built a business with him since we were in our 20s. It was my idea to buy several investment properties. It was my idea to make that goal and I got a part-time job to start saving toward it.

I have been the one paying the bills for our home, business, and properties.

I’ve been increasing our savings and paying down a mortgage.

All of these years I’ve believed we were a team. A good team. I’ve sacrificed my own professional path to build a business with my husband. I haven’t received promotions, accolades, or praise.

My husband has garnered all the glory for our combined efforts.

I am fine with that.

I don’t need that type of reinforcement.

I know our truth.

But now a man threatens to steal that from me.

My husband is willing to take the power he’s gained over me financially and use it to take me down. Not leave me with less. My husband wants to leave me with nothing.

I am a foolish woman and a foolish wife.

I continue to tell myself my husband is angry.

These are the words of a furious man.

Not an ominously dangerous bully.

The worst kind of man. If you could even call him that. One who will ultimately hurt his own children to hurt his wife and make sure I am left with nothing.

Even during our worst marital moments, I think the best of my husband.

I give him the benefit of the doubt.

He does not deserve it.

I’ve learned something from divorcing a man like this. I’ve learned something from divorcing a bully. I’ve learned something from divorcing a diagnosed narcissist.

When a man threatens you believe them.

And leave them.

I should have stormed out of that kitchen and out our front door.

I should have immediately made it clear no one, let alone a big imposing 6-foot 3-inch guy will ever threaten a woman. Who in the hell did he think he was?

Only weak, insecure, cowardly men threaten a woman.

In any respect.

He had the right to be angry in a failing marriage.

He did not have the right to threaten me.

My husband didn’t have the right to take every single dollar we owned. He didn’t have the right to hide all of our savings and investments and money from the business. He didn’t have the right to lower our earnings to make it appear the business wasn’t doing well.

He didn’t have the right to control me.

He didn’t have the right to manipulate the outcome of our divorce.

He didn’t have the right to appoint himself judge and jury.

During our extremely financially abusive and overly long divorce one of my boys looked at me and said, “This happened to you because you stayed home to raise us, didn’t it?”

I quieted his fears.

What I should have said was, “No, this didn’t happen because I was a stay-at-home mother. This is abuse at the hands of a man.”

Ultimately, one day I would overtly call it abuse.

If not, they may not recognize it.

Another time, one of my other boys said, “What kind of man leaves the mother of his children with no savings and no retirement?”

I just shook my head.

Yet another time, one of my boys said, “Mom, what’s the matter with Dad?”

Three boys and three disturbing comments about a man they once believed they could be proud of. One that doesn’t register any pride within them now.

I would never have married a man who threatened me.

It’s a signature of a narcissist but a narcissist tricked me into marrying him.

And a narcissist gained too much power over me financially.

As a woman, it’s difficult to conceive (despite having been married to a man like this) that there are cowards among us. The type of man that needs to assert their dominance over a woman.

A man who needs to frighten a woman to maintain control.

And get what he wants.

That kind of man doesn’t deserve any relationship with a woman.

I should have stormed out of that kitchen and out our front door.

When a man threatens you…believe them…and leave them.