Quitting Humor
The “I Want to Quit Medium” Starter Kit
I’m so sick of typing, I’m going to quit this senten…
Close your eyes and think to yourself:
- Is Medium fulfilling my needs?
- Can I support my family on $6 a month?
- Did this author just steal my wallet whilst my eyes were closed?
Forget that last one…because I didn’t. I swear!!
Has Medium been repeatedly kicking you in the gonads each month as you watch your earnings plummet?!
You’ve tried everything from following everyone back, to kidnapping your editor’s children.
You now have no articles published and the Police breaking down your door searching for a missing child.
It may be time to hang up the keyboard.
This is not always clear to see however. Especially if you think your writing is awesome.
“So Adam? What’s the process of wanting to quit Medium? What are the telling signs?” — Person who’s wallet I stole.
Never fear people, fore I have been quitting stuff since I came out the womb. I could have stayed in there longer but I quit.
I am going to explain how to realise you want to quit Medium — and then actually quit.
Unless I get bored and leave the platform before I finish this.
Read on and all shall be revealed!
Step 1 — Denial
The views and reads have been going down for a while.
“It’s fine, people are just busy.”
The money dries up. Your kids ask when your article about boobs will make enough money so that they can afford new shoes.
You tell your children that people will start reading any day now. Then give them new plastic bags to wear on their feet.
You start to worry, but it’s fine…surely it’ll be fine. Right?!
You knuckle down and work all week on that hilarious new article entitled:
“Famous Films But The Lead Actor is a Duck”
But it’s an all too familiar tale.
You may as well not have published it.
Someone’s cat stood on their keyboard and accidentally highlighted your article…apart from that…zilch!
Nothing!
Nada!
Now it’s time to panic!
Step 2 — Cry, Cry…and Cry Some More
The reality has set in and you’re a broken mess of a writer.
The water works come out and you’re sobbing all over your keyboard until the space bar doesn’t work.
You’ve listened to Lionel Ritchie’s whole discography and watched the Notebook religiously. This breakup is going to be a toughie!
Your partner tries to comfort you by saying:
“I’m sure it’ll pick up soon.”
To which you reply
“F*ck off Darren, I’m an awful writer. I’m even worse than Kristine Laco”
Looks like it’s Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream in bed again tonight.
Step 3 — Break Stuff
The rage has gotten to you.
“Medium’s awful!”
“My life sucks!”
“No one reads my work!”
You grab the nearest sledgehammer and smash anything in sight!
You start with the crappy Christmas presents first and then move onto the more expensive items.
You see yourself turning green in the mirror — until you smash that too.
Your kids arrive home from school…and you drop-kick them through the already broken window — NO MERCY!!!!
You see Mrs. Flanagan over the road trimming her rose bush…
THHHWWWAAAACKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Flanagan has been choke slammed and her garden is ruined!
NO MERCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Step 4 — Write The Pain Away
Your process is nearly complete. Now it’s time for the “I Quit Medium” article.
It’s important to thank those two editors who looked at your work because they had to, and that bot who followed you back that one time.
Make sure to slate the platform for not supporting your hugely impressive array of work which includes favourites like:
- Are You Getting The Most Out Of Your Oxygen?
- Cats Wearing Bow Ties
- How To Earn $538057927927 a Month From Writing About Cats Wearing Bow Ties
- Depression Means You Feel Sad — Here’s How To Snap Out Of It
- 10 Tips To Get Your Uncle To Remove The Webcam He Put In The Shower.
Your final flourish on Medium is greeted by one clap from a bot and a highlight from another cat on a keyboard.
Your editor is sorry to see you go however:
“Sorry this is your last ever article we’ll miss you here at ‘We’ll Publish Absolutely ANYTHING.’
Good luck in your future endeavours.
By the way, you can’t spell.
Like, at all.
How did you spell the word ‘The’ wrong?!
With love,
Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier)
You throw your keyboard against the wall in despair!
It’s time to have a look out the broken window to see if Mrs. Flanagan is ready for another ass-whupping!
NO MERCYYYY!!!!!!
Step 5 — Move on
It’s Sunday morning.
The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and Mrs Flanagan isn’t making any noise because she’s still in the ER.
You don’t have to worry about writing an article today. You can sit back and relax. There are so many other ways you can now fill your writing days.
Don’t know where to start?
Many ex-Medium writers are now doing the following with their free time:
- Pointing out grammatical errors in shop signs.
- Hosting 1-to-1 therapy sessions with other ex-Medium writers/survivors.
- Clapping when planes land at the airport.
- Doing a Forest Gump style run across America and then demanding money once over 100 people are following them.
- Asking that person they’ve been stalking if they can follow back.
If none of those ideas interest you…get a proper job.
Mrs. Flanagan needs a carer now if there’s any takers?
Medium Melancholy
There we have it people, if you want to put this platform in your rear view, this list will help you do it.
Let’s recap on the steps of admitting your writing failure:
- Step 1: Denial — Your kids need new shoes but you remain optimistic.
- Step 2: Cry Fest — Get Lionel blasting and forget about your problems.
- Step 3: Angry Vibes — NO MERCYYYY!!!!!!!
- Step 4: The Final Act — One last article for the lads.
- Step 5: Moving on — Goodbye Yellow Brick Online Platform.
If you really want to quit, this is the way to go about it.
Online writing is a tough gig and it takes a lot of staying power. But it can be so worth it!
I’m earning peanuts at the moment and my kids have no shoes. Okay, so I don’t have any kids. But that’s not the point!
It’s about the writing maaaannn! (hippie voice)
Kristine Laco — Only joking about you being awful. You are an awesome writer and editor as well as the best bongo player I know on Medium.
Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) — Thanks for all the editing and telling people how to spell the word ‘The’.
Ginger Cook — I didn’t mention you in this article at all until now but this tag will give you a notification and you’ll have to open this article. Mwuhahahahah!!!
Keep writing people, the world needs more funny!
And more shoes!
Not you though, Mrs. Flanagan.
NOOOOO MEEEERRRRRRCCCYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you enjoy my academic piece of art that belongs in a museum?
You’ll love these exhibits below then!
