Hospital Humor
A Day in the Life of a Doctor Funny Emergency Room
You’ve broken your funny bone! That’s why I didn’t get your joke…
“Doctor, help! I’ve got a branch stuck up my arse”
“I can’t remember my training, but I’ll stick my finger up there and see if that TWIGS my memory”
The Doctor Funny emergency room is no place for the fainthearted. That’s for an actual hospital.
I have decided to give people an insight into the trauma of a comedy emergency room.
This young comedy Doctor/Nurse/lunch lady (me) is about to log a day in the life fighting against comical diseases and life-threatening things that sound funny.
Enjoy. But not too much — otherwise we’ll have to admit you and there aren’t enough hospital beds.
Appointment 1 — Midlife Crisis
My first patient of the day was a man in his 60s wearing nothing but a Deep Purple leather jacket and shouting that skinny jeans are the devil.
Patient Log:
Patient Name: Roger That
Illness: Over listened to Whitesnake and Brian Adams until ears bled and bought a Harley Davidson which has scared the neighbour’s cat.
What the Patient says: “Rock ’n’ Roll will never die! Stand up if you love AC/DC… because I struggle to sit down on the toilet these days.”
Doctor Assessment: No saving this one. I shot him because he was already quite old.
Appointment 2 — Bongo Blasphemy
As I prepared myself for my second appointment I heard a repetitive, yet rhythmic, loud banging. Then came the abrasive lyrics:
“Who wants to suck on my bitchin’ bongos?!”
Patient Log:
Patient Name: Kristine Laco
Illness: Classic case of Bongo fever. The patient was sweating like a drug addict at a glue factory. She was tapping everything in my office trying to get a beat out of it. I lost three staplers and a pencil with an eraser on the end.
She then got aggressive. Loudly shouting as she started licking the walls.
I eventually managed to subdue the patient with a YouTube bongo mix.
What the Patient Says: “Slap my bongos and call me Keith”
Doctor Assessment: Had a mate in a Death Metal Reggae band and asked if he had a spot free. She seems happy enough and has only assaulted five audience members with her musical apparatus. Quite good going.
Coffee Break
Very stressed after my first two appointments. I decided to head down to the canteen for a swift coffee.
Upon arrival, I saw my fellow doctor Ginger Cook crying uncontrollably into her cappuccino.
I asked if she was adding water to her coffee because they ran out of milk and she started to cry even more.
Turns out an elderly lady had told her she had a phobia of the Backstreet Boys.
Ginger was extremely concerned, and replied:
“Tell me why?”
The elderly lady got so scared she jumped out the window — leaving poor Ginger with a sh*t-ton of paperwork.
Appointment 3 — Highlight Horror
After the drama of coffee break, I headed back to the office to find my next patient had highlighted everything in the room!
Including the receptionist!
She only came in to drop off some forms…
Patient Log:
Patient Name: David Perlmutter
Illness: Armed with multicoloured marker pens and an appetite for mayhem, Perlmutter who was hiding behind my KISS tribute poster, lept out and gave me a real fright.
He highlighted me in so many colours, passers-by thought I was the rainbow — this meant dealing with lots of disappointed Irishmen who thought I had a pot of gold up my arse.
What the Patient Says: “I highlight when I want. Did I stutter?! Remember the name…Super David Perlmutter!!!”
Doctor Assessment: Gave him a colouring book which seems to have mellowed the patient. Do NOT attempt to remove highlighters from the subject as they start to froth at the mouth.
Appointment 4 — Doggy Delight
As I scrubbed the walls with a sponge to remove the Perlmutter rainbow, a manic lady ran in with her dog!
“Help Doctor! My Dog’s arse is making weird noises!”
Patient Log:
Patient Name: Jennifer McDougall
Illness: Doesn’t know the difference between a doctor and a vet.
What the Patient Says: “My little floof, the light of my life, Senor Barksalot, is gravely ill! His farts sound like they’re trying to be musical but it’s just a load of weird howling for 3 minutes and then poop comes out! Lord help me and my beautiful fluffy angel!”
Doctor Assessment: Really should have got a vet to do this but Jennifer threatened me with a knife.
After having a good look up Senor Barksalot’s bum, I decided to “Shazam” his farts.
Turns out he was producing Harry Styles songs.
In my professional opinion, this pup has what’s known as:
“The Musical Shits”.
Decided to give Senor Barksalot some Laxatives and a Snoop Dogg CD.
Told Jen where the nearest vet was.
She got her knife out again…
Lunch
After the police took McDougall away, I headed back down to the canteen.
Turns out someone had choked on a meatball and was dying on the floor.
All us doctors were like:
“Sorry. We’re on lunch”
I was concerned no one was helping him so I went over to help.
“Hello sir. Sorry you’re choking right now but we are indeed all on lunch at the moment. Here’s my card. If you’re still dying after I’ve finished my sandwich I’ll give you a few pats on the back and that should help.”
Final Appointment — Birthday Blues
I had to finish my sandwich in my office because that guy died from choking on a meatball. So inconvenient!
Anyway, I was over the moon! It was my last patient of the day!
In came a depressed man who told me how he always felt down because his wife wouldn’t tell him when her birthday was.
Patient Log:
Patient Name: Phil McGroin
Illness: A very down-in-the-dumps individual. He’s fallen into a deep depression because his wife won’t tell him when her birthday is.
He’s also mentioned that his wife has a fetish for getting him to stomp about.
What the Patient Says: “My wife is close to leaving me. She longs for us to spend her birthday together. It’s so weird, she asks me to stomp my feet whenever I ask her when her birthday is. My marriage is in tatters!”
Doctor Assessment: Mr. McGroin was devastated that whenever he asked his wife when her birthday was, all she would do was ask him to stomp.
I was flummoxed.
I asked him if he could write a transcript of a normal conversation between him and his wife to see where the problem lied.
This is what he gave me:
Phil McGroin: Honey, when’s your birthday?
Wife: March 1st
Phil McGroin: (Marches about) When’s your birthday?
Home Time
Well…what a day at the office!
Here’s my daily review:
Appointment 1 — R.I.P. Roger
Appointment 2 — The winner of the battle of the bongos 2023 is… Kristine Laco!!!!!!!!!!
Appointment 3 — Mr. Perlmutter is now the new face of Crayola.
Appointment 4 — Poor Jen has already stabbed her new cellmate :(
Appointment 5 (Final Appointment) — The McGroin family can finally look forward to birthday celebrations in March.
Lovely stuff!
My shift’s over! So see ya later readers!
Right!
I’m off to go shout at the interns for not being funny enough before I go.
Enjoy that awful content?
In a self-depreciating sort of mood?
Well check out this dreadful nonsense to thirst that quench!
