Hot Humor
35 Ways To Stay Warm During Putin Fest 2023
Vlad is a bad bad lad!
It’s all a bit awkward right now with Russians and our energy bills.
I’m freezing my beautiful boobs off almost every day at the moment as I live with the guilt of putting the heating on.
I want to be snug and warm on an evening but instead, I have to light matches and hold them close to my nipples in order to warm my bones.
So what can we do to make sure we avoid the cold during these chilly months — without breaking the bank?
Well, never fear!
My cost-effective warmth tips are here!
35 Ways to Save Energy and Stick it to Mother Russia:
1. Make a family rap mixtape to heat your household.
2. Burn all the Christmas presents that you didn’t like.
3. Invite the dragon from Shrek over and get her to blow some flames onto your cold regions.
4. Play Nelly — “It’s getting hot in here” until the house warms up.
5. Perform a fire dance ritual in your back garden to generate heat and give your neighbours a good impression of yourself.
6. Get ya boy Icarus to fly you too close to the sun.
7. Sit on a lava lamp
8. Twerk to the Annie soundtrack.
9. Race an obese child to the ice cream truck
10. Fight the obese child when he beats you to the ice cream truck.
11. Aggressively dance until you reach the 1980s and you’re diagnosed with “Disco Fever” by John Travolta.
12. Tell your crush you’d like to rub ointment on the back of their knees.
13. Steal the Olympic Torch.
14. Wriggle about in the garden and pretend you’re a slug.
15. Perform some reggae to some inner city youths.
16. Do an Irish Jig whilst waiting in line for your bum medication.
17. Wear a hat that has five candles attached to it. It’s worth the wax burns for the extra warmth.
18. Ask a priest about the big bang and then run off when they try to strike you down with the almighty power of Christ.
19. Eat a Vindaloo curry whilst performing “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas.
20. Ride a mechanical bull at your Gran’s 90th birthday bash. Don’t let her mate Margaret hog it though. She gets rowdy after a few drinks.
21. Stand near The Human Torch from the Fantastic Four for a while.
22. Play the maracas at your cousin’s bar mitzvah until you pass out.
23. Find out which company heats the Kremlin and ask them to consider heating your house instead.
24. Perform an erotic interpretive dance to your peers at book club.
25. Wear 75 woolly coats as you offer members of the public piggybacks to their places of work.
26. Perform a death metal cover of “Happy Birthday” as your ex-wife tries to run a “menopause at work” seminar.
27. Pretend you’re an iPhone and overheat after 10 minutes.
28. Manage Kanye West’s Twitter account.
29. Gently whisper to elderly ladies that you like their Zimmer frames and then skip away playfully.
30. Cuddle that nice Mexican family that lives across the street.
31. Rub two sticks together in the woods until mum says you’ve got to come in for tea.
32. Take your Gran to go see Magic Mike’s Last Dance.
33. Take a vacation to the Sahara with no water, drinking only sand and camel piss.
34. Make a campfire and then get asked to leave “The Smith Family’s Wooden Table Store”.
35. Go to the Mustafar System and defeat Obi-Wan. Putting an end to the lies of the Jedi.
It’s Getting Hot, Hot, Hot!
There we go guys, 35 ways to stay warm during this coldest of winters.
I hope this list can get you above room temperature like those good ol’ summer days.
As for me — I now have to live with the fact that I have the google search of “Topless Vladamir Putin riding a horse” saved on my work computer.
Ah well, so worth it!
Not only for the article but for the sexual gratification too.
And on that jolly note…
stay warm,
wrap up,
and get twerking to that Annie soundtrack!
Why not check out below this other festering crap written by me?
On a side note, my article on how to sell your writing is coming out soon…
