History Humor
History Lessons From Your Clueless Substitute Teacher — Henry VIII
“Today class…we are going to find my car keys!”
Greetings to my Medium classroom! I am Mr. Robinson. History extraordinaire and Under 15s Mexican Air Guitar Champion — 1967.
Today we’re going to learn about a time when Apple didn’t make everything and China did instead.
We’re all going to learn about a very important historical person today, as well as events surrounding this extremely overweight English king.
However!
Before we get started, I must stress I have a few rules in my classroom:
Mr. Robinson’s Raunchy Rules For School:
1. No loud shouting in the mornings — that’s my hangover time
2. No keen students answering EVERY single question. You spoil it for everyone else and no one likes a nerd.
3. No fat kids.
4. No TikTok dances. Only I get to do that.
5. Don’t look me directly in the eye. I get frightened and defensive.
Right, with all that boring stuff out the way, let’s get learning some history about this fat old bloke!
Henry VIII
Henry VIII, or “Big Hezza” as his friends called him, was the King of England absolutely ages ago.
A real Hugh Hefner of his time. Henry had six, yes SIX wives! His medieval Tinder game was on point. His staying power…not so much.
Was Henry just a true “playa” ? Or were these women just absolute teases?
I think we should meet these SIXy ladies to find out.
Follow this lesson carefully because there’s a lovely quiz at the end.
1. Catherine of Aragon — Given the boot
- I like Catherine because if you change the ‘A’ in her last name to a ‘D’ it becomes Catherine of Dragon which is cool.
- She looks like she’s a fan of monkeys, like Ross Geller.
- King Hezza ditched her when she said that he looked like a pumpkin.
2. Anne Boleyn — Head Chopped Off
- Henry broke the Catholic Church to get a bit of Anne lovin’.
- Henry wanted a son but didn’t get one. He also accused Anne of getting it on with her brother — ew ew ew!!
- Anne got her head chopped off and it rolled all the way down to the Game of Thrones set so George R.R. Martin could put it on a big stick.
3. Jane Seymour — Head Not Chopped Off
- Jane’s first name went on to be used for a character in the TV series Stranger Things.
- She was a fan of not getting her head chopped off.
- She sadly died after being the first of Henry’s wives to give him a male heir — see it’s not all stupid. I do know some history!
4. Anne of Cleves — Catfish
- Henry was well and truly catfished when Anne rocked up and she didn’t look anything like her portrait. Swiped a bit too quickly there didn’t we Hezza?
- She was a fan of tiny biscuits.
- She got a castle out of the divorce! Nice going Anne! Sometimes it pays to be ugly.
5. Catherine Howard — A Lovely Bit of Head (Chopped Off)
- Catherine was Henry’s second wife to be called Catherine after the first one who was called Catherine.
- She knew all the lyrics to “Rap God” by Eminem.
- Apparently, she had it off with her music teacher Thomas Culpeper who was also a distant cousin. That meant Cathy’s head was off, and Henry continued to dislike Slim Shady.
6. Catherine (Again?!) Parr
- Cath Parr was Henry’s last wife before he bit the dust.
- She fought off The Joker and The Riddler to protect Henry.
- She survived divorce and being beheaded. Good going, Catherine!
Other Henry VIII Facts
- He was chunky.
Quiz Time
That’s ya lot!
It’s time to test our Henry VIII knowledge to see what a great teacher I am.
It’s time to get medieval!!
Mr. Robinson’s Henry VIII Mega Medium Quiz
1. If Henry has six wives, how many divorce lawyers does he have?
2. Who would win in a fight ?
- King Henry VIII
- A big Kangaroo with a Lightsaber
3. What was Hezza’s favourite type of boat?
a) A big boat
b) A wooden boat
c) A gravy boat
4. If y = 4, Find the square root of Hen Hen’s belly button.
5. Does this fat former King of England look like he’d work in Finance in the modern day?
a) Yes
b) True
c) False
d) I don’t care
Right time’s up!
Provide your answers in the comments if you’re brave enough! I will reply to let you know if you have won or not.
There will be 13 claps for the winner…as well as another mystery prize!!!
You are now dismissed — get to your next class as we can’t afford a bell at this school.
So, until next time…happy learning my budding historians!
As for me,
I’m going to go day-drinking before teaching my next lesson.
Byeeee ❤
Did you enjoy learning about an obese hairy man?
You’ll love this other stuff I wrote then!
