Invention Humor

7 Weird Inventions To Make You Question Humanity!

I call it…the “don’t have to throw it out the window” toilet

**“…and this one is me and the girls in Ibiza**” — Photo: National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

The human race has developed vast amounts since there was a loud bang and Jurassic Park happened.

We are in a technological age where we won’t even need humans soon and we can get Mcdonald's served to us by sexy robots on roller skates.

There have been some wacky inventions over the years…from rubber ducks to metal ducks, and not forgetting tin ducks.

But what wacky inventions (that aren’t ducks) can we not live without?

Keep on reading and enjoying my cheeky humour to find out…

7. Shower Feet

**“Hey gurl, what shoes are you wearing to the shower tonight?”** — Photo: Home Bargains/JML

Are soap and water not working for you anymore?

Do you need to get your feet clean in a hurry because you sell pics of your feet for cash?

Why not put some bristles on your feet and scrub away to your heart’s content?

Shower Feet is a product from a company called JML which makes all sorts of wacky stuff like this. Even for them though — this is like wtf.

If you fancy getting those close spaces between your toes nice and clean, then this may just be the product for you.

It’ll certainly change the way people have sexy time in the shower, that’s for sure!

Invented by — JML Shower Department (probably).
Usefulness Rating — Uhm, kinda
Pros — You’ll have lovely clean toes.
Cons — You’ll look mentally unstable.

6. Ostrich Pillow

**“A bit longer in the oven and I’ll be ready for Christmas”**— Photo: Ostrich Pillow/Futurism

Do you want to nap in public and look like a rotisserie chicken in the process?

Well, thankfully the ostrich pillow is here!

I really don’t know whether I’m tired or hungry looking at this thing.

I love how someone took the idea of the sleeping mask and just ran with it. Well, I say ran with it —they turned it into a turkey.

I wonder how the Ostrich bird community is taking this invention. Are they ashamed that their kind is being associated with such a product?

Update — The Ostriches have taken revenge and made a pillow out of human remains that also looks like Jay Leno — run for your lives!!!

Invented by — Ostrich Pillow (German Company — Vunderbar!!!)
Usefulness Rating — 14
Pros — You’ll be nice and warm this winter when someone tries to put you in the oven.
Cons — You will be chased and beaten by an angry mob of vegans/ostriches/both.

5. Group Shaving Machine

**Lads who shave together, stay together** — Photo: Vintage Everyday

“What could possibly go wrong?” — Mass Murdering Barber

This 19th Century contraption was devised for — you guessed it — to be able to shave multiple men at once.

What could be better than spending an afternoon with your chums as a man swings a blade at your respective faces?

“I say, Charles, you look a lot better without that god awful moustache…but…where’s your nose gone?!” — Group shave member

Was this barber just really busy and wanted to shave as many men as possible?

Did this barber have a vendetta against beards and want to rid the world of them all? Six men at a time?

Thank God this dude didn’t try group haircuts…

Invented by — Some mad barber in the 19th Century.
Usefulness Rating — B minus
Pros — It makes shaving a lot more exciting because of the fear of death.
Cons — Other men's facial hair gets all over you as you’re murdered by a psychotic barber.

4. Banana Guard

**“What do you mean I waste my money?”** — Photo: YouTube

Can I just start off by saying the above image is from a video titled:

“How to put a Banana into a Banana Protector”

How?!

It’s the same f*ckin’ shape!

Just open it and put the banana in. Not exactly rocket science is it?!

Sorry, that brought up some stuff.

Anyway…

If you really want to protect your banana, wrap it up in a protector (giggidy/that’s what she said/ooh matron).

You will no longer bruise your banana when you’ve got it out in the open as this lovely, snazzy, dare I say elegant protector will keep your fruit away from harm.

Also, I found a lovely description of the Banana Guard on their website:

“Are you fed up with bringing bananas to work or school only to find them bruised and squashed? Our unique, patented device allows for the safe transport and storage of individual bananas letting you enjoy perfect bananas anytime, anywhere. The Banana Guard was specially designed to fit the vast majority of bananas. Its other features include multiple small perforations to facilitate ventilation thereby preventing premature ripening and a sturdy locking mechanism to keep the Banana Guard closed.” — https://www.bananaguard.com

If it’s one thing the human race needed to solve — it was premature ripening.

Praise the lord we managed to do this people. Well done! It affects more people than you think!

Invented by — Peeps with way too much time on their hands.
Usefulness Rating — Gold Star
Pros — Your banana won’t prematurely ripen.
Cons — You’ll be known as “The Banana Guard Person” at work.

3. The Selfie Toaster

**“Look at me Dad/Sis…I’m in bread”** — Photo: Hammacher Schlemmer

Finally! The bread-based invention we’ve all been waiting for!

For years humans have been wondering how to get their faces onto toast, and now, the time has finally come.

Imagine getting hungry and being able to slap butter onto your toast as you start to salivate at the thought of being able to consume your own face.

This gift isn’t just limited to you though. Why not gift your toast face to a lover who misses you, but is also quite peckish?

The selfie toaster is a must-have for all you narcissistic toast lovers out there.

Enjoy your mornings with your bread face as you cry into your coffee thinking about how sad your life is and how you’ve filled the lonely void in your life with yourself on a slice of bread.

Lovely stuff ❤

Invented by — Hammacher Schlemmer. Yes, THE Hammacher Schlemmer!
Usefulness Rating — Thumbs Up
Pros — You can eat yourself in the morning.
Cons — Bread won’t make you look any less ugly.

2. Urban Window Baby Cage

**“It’s not that bad, Timmy. You’ve got a cage to protect you“**— Photo: Vintage Everyday

This lovely contraption was invented by Mrs. Robert C Lafferty who wanted to provide babies with fresh air and sunlight in crowded cities.

Don’t worry guys, your child will be perfectly safe in that chicken coop cage held above extremely busy roads.

It was built with the purpose in mind to battle diseases like Tuberculosis which were on the rise in the early 1930s.

So, if your child plummets to their death, at least they won’t be coughing.

Also, it’s not like you left your washing outside when it starts to rain. That’s gonna be one drenched kid.

If you needed any more evidence that this was an awful idea, little Timmy in the pic above is absolutely shitting himself.

His mum’s enjoying herself though so it’s not all bad.

Invented by — Mrs. Robert C Lafferty. One of the few women I’ve heard of called Robert.
Usefulness Rating — Sad emoji face.
Pros — You can put the baby outside when it’s annoying you and no one will sue you.
Cons — I mean…come on. Look at it.

1. Grass Flip-Flops

**“You bring the drinks, I’ll bring the garden!”**- Photo: Pinterest

To top my list, we have the ultimate summer footwear.

Don’t you just love the grass between your toes? Don’t you wish you could feel like you’re walking through a field when you’re at the beach?

You can constantly have a great time at BBQs when you’re not later invited inside as the bottoms of your feet are filthy and disgusting.

These flip flops unfortunately also bring manual labour in the form of a mini Lawn Mower. Yep, that’s right. You don’t want your grassy shoes to get out of control now, do you?

This product is the perfect gift for the following:

The annoying chewer at work who is allergic to grass.
The girl with a phobia of gardens who took no notice of you at school.
Stoners who are too high to notice that it’s not weed.
Horses/Hamsters/Guinea Pigs/Members of your family who look like horses.

If you ask me, this is a must-have for your Christmas list.

You should always walk around in anticipation that you might accidentally stand in dog shit in your bare feet. That’s the world I want to one day live in.

Invented by — Garden Fetish Group Ltd
Usefulness Rating — Purple
Pros — You’’ll never feel far away from a farm.
Cons — Everyone will be allergic to you. But at least you can blame the grass now.

I present to you…the end of my article!!

**“Did you get this from my flip-flops?”** — Photo: ThisisEngineering RAEng on Unsplash

There we have it my fellow invention freaks, 7 of the greatest stuff humans are never gonna need.

Was there anything that took your fancy?

No? — Good

Yes? — Jesus, you need help.

But, what have we learned from this incredible waste of time?

You can either have bristles in the shower or grass in your flip-flops — pick a side!
You don’t just have to think about chicken when you’re asleep…you can look like one too!
Why shave alone when you can shave as a group?
Premature ripening is the biggest killer of bananas since that group barber tried to shave them.
Your spouse will love to see you on their morning toast — unless she’s got a yeast infection.
If you can’t afford any plants, hang your child out of the window instead.
You will look like a twat if you get grass Flip-Flops — I guess that doesn’t go without saying.

Wow, what a journey!

I hope you all thoroughly enjoyed reading these inventions.

So, until next time…pop your child outside the window, put your banana in its protector, get on your shower shoes, and head off to a lovely group shave with the lads.

Bye bye.