Summary

Adam "Triwizard Twiglet" Robinson humorously pens an open letter to the Hogwarts HR Department, expressing his eagerness and frustration at not receiving his acceptance letter despite his self-taught twig magic and academic aspirations.

Abstract

In a playful yet earnest open letter, Adam Robinson addresses the Hogwarts Human Resources Department, questioning the whereabouts of his long-awaited acceptance letter to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He recounts his childhood dream of becoming a wizard, his parents' wine-induced support, and his own efforts in practicing twig-based spells. Despite his readiness and self-proclaimed expertise in "twig related magic," the letter from Hogwarts remains elusive. Adam contrasts his dedication to education with the frequent absences of a certain bespectacled student, and humorously notes his interactions with various non-magical individuals in search of answers. At 27, he feels he's on the cusp of being too old for magical schooling and implores Hogwarts to send his acceptance letter soon. He also inquires about the school's policy on bringing personal lunches due to his lactose intolerance. The letter ends with a postscript acknowledging his previous numerous attempts at contact and a hopeful anticipation of a response.

Opinions

Adam Robinson is humorous and slightly sarcastic about his deep desire to attend Hogwarts and his preparation for wizarding life.
He believes he is more academically inclined than at least one of the well-known Hogwarts students (implicitly referring to Harry Potter).
He is frustrated with the lack of response from the Hogwarts HR Department despite his many attempts to reach out.
He is ready to embrace the magical education but feels time is running out due to his age.
He is concerned about dietary accommodations at Hogwarts, indicating a pragmatic side to his magical aspirations.
He is persistent, having sent numerous letters prior to this open letter, and is hopeful for a reply.

Hogwarts Humor

An Open Letter to the Hogwarts HR Department

Some magical clerical work would be greatly appreciated!

**My owl must have gotten lost** — Photo: Tuyen Vo on Unsplash

Dear Hogwarts Human Resources Department,

I hate to come across rude…but…where the hell’s my letter people?!

As soon as I became aware of Hogwarts’ existence all I wanted to do was be a wand wielding wizard learning magic tricks from a dude with a grey beard and a drug problem.

I sat my parents down and said:

“Mother. Father. I want to be a magical wizard who goes on quests and defeats villains without noses”

They were stunned.

Yet, they could see how much I wanted to be a magical magician who does magic. They’d also had a lot of wine so they didn’t really know what I was saying.

I bought a wizards hat from the local magic shop and fought off the local dogs for a big twig to use as a wand — I was ready!

All day I would practice spells. Until my wrist was sore from tugging my twig.

My favourites were:

Twiggius Hittius — The hitting someone with a twig spell.
Twiggius Repairo — The getting a new twig when you break your old one spell.
Twiggius Retrievo — The getting your magical dog to bring your wand back when you throw it real far.

As you can see, Hogwarts, as far as twig related magic goes I am pretty sorted.

I saw that speccy dude in the films being all magic and stuff and I was like I’m so much more academically gifted than him. He hardly turns up to class. He’s always after Voldemort or fighting big snakes.

I actually care about my education.

Still no letter though.

I’ve asked the mail man, the guy working at the fancy dress magic shop, and that crazy bearded man near my house who shouts at all the buses — he quickly realised I wasn’t a bus and just ignored me. No one seems to know.

My point is, I expect a magical letter to be in my hands in the next few days! I’m 27 years old and getting a bit too old for school now. Even if it is magical.

Thanks so much and I look forward to seeing you inside that glorious castle soon.

Please disregard my last 54388581689 letters as I’m sure you will reply to me this time.

Farewell,

Adam “Triwizard Twiglet” Robinson

P.S. What’s the school’s stance on bringing your own lunch instead of having the big feast?

I’m lactose intolerant you see.

Did you enjoy that lovely letter?

Fancy some more passive aggressive work from myself?

Well, look no further:

Open Letter to People Who Think I Have a Covid Cough

I’m ill…but not that ill!

medium.com

Open Letter To People Who Prefer Calling — Not Texting

Can’t I just forget to reply to your message instead?!

medium.com