The Hardest Thing About Dating After Divorce
It’s made couples break up, despite being in love
My friend and I are talking about the challenges of dating after divorce. I tell her several people I know have recently broken up. These aren’t good people, they are wonderful people.
They were lucky enough to find equally great people.
People they fell in love with.
It was their divorce do-over.
These couples were crazy about each other. One man and woman met online. They’d been dating several years. The other couple met through common interests, and had also dated for a few years.
Two different relationships.
Relationships that despite being in love, fell prey to a tough aspect of divorce.
The hardest thing about dating after a divorce.
“It’s hard,” says my friend.
“When we are young,” I say. “We build a life together. When we are divorced, we step into another person’s life.”
“Yes,” says my friend.
“That’s the challenge,” I say. “We step into another person’s life, while meeting at different stages of a divorce.”
It’s compounded.
It’s the hardest thing about dating after divorce.
I may have only referenced two couples, but I know even more. People who for all intents and purposes, have every reason to remain together. They have the love and desire to work things out.
They should.
It’s difficult to meet someone you’re crazy about after a divorce.
But they’ve stepped into one another’s lives, at different times.
One person may be newly divorced. The other person may have been divorced for years. One individual might have resolved any post-divorce drama, and the other hasn’t.
One person could have experienced a somewhat painless divorce.
Shockingly, this does happen.
The other person may continue to deal with a difficult spouse.
In this case, an individual might still be controlled by custody and money disputes, despite the dissolution of a marriage. This isn’t easy for anyone. It’s difficult to witness someone you love experience this.
But it’s still an aspect of that person’s life.
We step into it.
It’s a timeline we either have the tolerance and patience to wait out, or not. At least, until the divorce dust settles somewhat equally, in both partners lives.
The conflict revolves around moving forward at the same pace.
I think that’s the most precise way to some it up.
There are many dimensions to this. There are numerous scenarios it can play out in. In each of these cases, it’s not uncommon for people to take them personally.
An example of this?
One person is in a hurry to be included with their partner’s children.
Why wouldn’t they be?
This is the person they love.
Further aggravating the situation? They may be at a different stage of the divorce timeline. They may have been divorced for years and/or have older children who have acclimated.
They are ready to move forward and build their lives again.
The person they love might be moving at a slower pace.
They may be newly divorced and apprehensive about introducing their children. Or their children might not be ready to meet someone their parent is dating.
They are at different moments in the divorce timeline.
It creates conflict and resentment.
“If I’m important to you, why isn’t this moving at a faster pace?”
This is what played out with the couples I know. One of each of the partners had been divorced for many years. The other partners were only recently divorced.
The individuals who were farther down the timeline, felt a lack of respect.
They believed the children should be willing to spend more time with them. But these kids were adjusting to their new reality. They didn’t want to spend a great deal of time with their parent’s new partner.
They began to criticize the parenting of the person they were dating.
They started offering advice. But remember, these are newly divorced parents. They are not only navigating this new landscape, they’re worried about their kids.
It created conflict.
It also put one partner ‘in a position of conflict.’
They felt torn between their children and the person they were dating.
In reality, no one is the bad guy.
It’s a pragmatic aspect of divorce. Yet even divorced individuals allow it to become personal. It’s not. It isn’t about us. It’s about that person’s life. There’s an evolution to divorce.
It’s not a perfect timeline.
It certainly isn’t an envious one.
Things progress individually, and as a family after a divorce.
Some people have a contentious divorce, some people don’t, some people escape their spouse, some people continue to deal with control, some people have younger children, some people have older children.
Some kids are accepting and some kids aren’t.
Some people are newly divorced and some people aren’t.
Some people want to remarry, some people need more time.
Some people have demanding careers, some people don’t, some people have a lot commitments, some people don’t. There are many things you need to adjust to when entering someone’s life.
The goal is to ultimately blend your lives.
But you didn’t build your lives together.
You met someone who has an entire world of their own.
You stepped into one another’s lives.
It’s going to take time. It’s not personal. It’s a process of determining how you can best make that happen. You can’t necessarily have the same expectations of someone you date and fall in love with.
The may need to prioritize different things.
They may have different demands in their lives.
It can be frustrating. Especially, when you’re lucky enough to have found someone you love after a divorce. You want to spend all of your time together.
I talked to the couples I know before they broke up.
“Don’t indulge the conflict,” I said. “Don’t allow it to divide your relationship. You love one another. This will pass. Divorce can progress with time. You just need to catch up with one another. Think back and remember how long it took your children to adjust.”
I hoped they would work it out.
I urged them to look at the pragmatic aspects of divorce, timelines, and issues.
I told them to recognize how happy they were together. I reminded them it’s difficult to meet a person you’re crazy about as you get older. I told them to be less demanding.
I pleaded with them, not to confuse ‘respect’ with a ‘slight.’
A parent needs to be there for their children. It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t respect your feelings. Especially, if they are walking the delicate balance of divorce.
Children and/or parents who aren’t ready to include/introduce are moving forward the best they can. The people who are dealing with a bitter and angry ex are doing the best they can.
Divorce is an emotionally time consuming experience.
It’s not personal.
On the contrary, it’s usually about us.
It’s not about the post-divorce person we are fortunate enough to fall in love with. It’s about dealing with our own divorce issues. They are emotional, stressful, and personal to us. That’s a fact.
But there is a pragmatic side to the divorce journey.
If you’ve been through a divorce…
You should be able to step back and recognize that.
No divorce is created equal. Some divorces are short and some are long. Some are amicable and some are abusive. Some are fair and some are an injustice.
But there are universalities within divorce.
It’s sad, it’s stressful, and it’s grief.
There’s a different timeline for everyone…Not everyone gets over heartache easily. Not everyone can immediately move on to a serious commitment.
It’s a process….Some people heal rapidly and others require more time. Some people succeed financially and others take years to rebuild.
It’s a transition…Some people make it seamlessly while others struggle with it. Some people balance it well, while others need time to adjust to the grief, the guilt, and all that accompanies a divorce.
It’s about family…Some children transition easily in divorce, while others do not. Some kids are receptive to their parents moving on with someone new, while others are not.
It’s about self…Some people can immediately make peace with the decision to divorce. Some people need more time to recover. They may beat themselves up, regret the mistakes they’ve made, or feel hurt and blindsided by a spouse. Each person needs to heal their own person and reconcile their journey.
But when you meet a good person they are worth holding onto.
None of it’s easy.
The people I spoke about are incredibly good people.
People who treated one another well. There were no other issues in the relationships. Both of the couples were talking about making a more serious commitment or getting married.
But they broke up.
One person in each couple felt they were not being prioritized or respected.
It wasn’t that.
They wanted more before the person they loved could give it.
They confused a pragmatic aspect of divorce, as something to take personally.
Despite being with people who treated them tremendously.
