The Epiphany That Allowed Me To Let Go

Hopefully for the last time.

It is now September, this relationship took a turn for the worse last Christmas.

That was 9 months ago.

I have been living in hell on earth, with very few moments of pleasure dotted here and there, for the last 9 months.

I have been surviving on a huge dose of hope — and the occasional breadcrumb.

My life has been on hold waiting for a man who will not fight for me and doesn’t even fight for himself. He just goes where life takes him. Like a boat without a rudder. In no particular direction.

He never let me go in all this time. That’s why I stayed. That’s why I believed. Always letting me know he loved me, and how important I was to him. The texts and phone calls to ask about my whereabouts never ceased in all this time.

But he didn’t want a relationship anymore, he said.

“I can’t coordinate everything in my life. I have nothing to give to a girl” he insisted.

I have been persisting and he has been resisting for nine months.

But every time he senses my attitude is changing he sprinkles me a little extra attention just to reel me back in.

Nine long months of doubting if he loved me or how much he loved me. Forever filled with anxiety. It has been exhausting.

Giving him all the power.

He is secure. Secure in what I feel for him. He has no anxiety.

I start to doubt that I’m lovable. I started to question my worth.

And then I finally opened my eyes after we returned from a weekend away. I drop him at his house. He still has 6 days left of his vacation so I won’t be seeing him at his work.

Not once during those 6 days did he reach out to see me, to meet for a coffee, to go to the beach. Sure, he texts and calls, but only in the evenings when it feels like an obligated check-in.

We both make reels of our holiday. Mine is about us, the moments we shared. His is about him. As if he was on holiday alone. He looks lonely, sad, and self-centered.

Forever omitted from his life, I am tired now. Finally, I comprehend that I am just there. It’s a comfortable situation for him. He doesn’t go out of his way for me.

And I’m angry. Angry that he doesn’t value me enough to think I’m worth the hassle of fighting for. Angry that I put everything into that relationship for nothing — no matter how much he denies it to himself, it was a relationship. And I’m angry at myself for believing in us.

Communication has been stopped. Being friends won’t be possible or I will risk falling into the same trap again and again. I have to break this obsessive emotional dependency and learn to find joy in life away from him.

Do I really love him? Or have I been measuring how much I feel tormented as an indication of my love?

It’s time to ride the wave of grief.

And as Tom Hanks said — This too shall pass.

“You feel bad right now? This too shall pass. You feel pissed off? You feel anger? This too shall pass.

You feel great? You feel like you know all the answers? You feel like everybody finally gets you? This too shall pass.

Time is your ally. And if nothing else, just wait. Just wait it out.” — Tom Hanks

For some back ground about our relationship/situationship check out these stories:

Thanks for reading! I hope this article helped empower you. Your thoughts and insights mean a lot, so please leave a comment. See you in the next post! — Louise :)