The Do’s and Don’ts of Whorehouse Etiquette
How to get a good session when the mood strikes
Reflections of a life gone by: An advice column I wrote 20 years ago when I ran an adult ad agency selling media space to prostitutes.
Ya know…being an adult industry ad rep isn’t the walk in the park most guys would imagine. Like…all day…I have women screaming at me, transsexuals trying to seduce me, dominas begging to tie me up and kick my ass, madams who wanna trick me into marrying their girls so they can get papers for citizenship, and myriad other aggravations too numerous to mention.
But then again the job does have its compensations. For example, I get to hang out with hookers all day, take their pictures, and beg them for free sex — all while drawing a paycheck. Not bad, all in all. Right?
Anyway, hanging around whorehouses all day has been quite an education — and one which has provided me with such a wealth of experience and knowledge that I feel it my duty to impart some of that wisdom.
You see, I know exactly what these girls are looking for in a client. I know how the guys should act, all the protocol of entry, and basically, what to do so the phone girl, the madam, and the girls (especially) will give you the session you’re looking for — and then beg you to come back real soon.
And let’s face it! There’s nothing more satisfying than knowing that the girl you just paid for her time actually likes you and hopes you’ll return again and again so she can have some fun to punctuate the humdrum life the average work day brings. So let’s start from the beginning and see if we can’t clean our acts up.
First, when you call the phone girl, ask the relevant questions (the price, the location, the type of service if you aren’t sure, and what the girls look like) without taking up a lot of her time. She receives hundreds of calls a day and the last thing the woman needs is a schmuck asking too many questions or especially, a dildo trying to talk dirty and get off over the phone free.
Expect that the girl will tell you to report to a corner near the house and then call again. This is for a reason. The house is trying to protect you and itself from unwanted visitors (like the police). So don’t be offended whatever the security precautions. It’s just part of the deal.
When the girl takes you to the room and says “Get comfortable, I’ll be back in a second,” that means to get completely nude so she knows you aren’t a cop. It may not seem that romantic, but it’s necessary because of the way the law is worded. In theory, a policeman can’t get naked and then bust the girl.
When the session is over, let the girl know you appreciated the good service by tipping her if you had a good time. Generally, tipping is part of the program. Predictably, the girls hate a guy who stiffs them. So let a word to the wise be sufficient. Tip if you plan on ever returning.
And finally, say goodbye to the phone girl when you leave and thank her for the good service as well. Remember, you’ll be dealing with her in the future, and if you want accurate information and a pleasant voice on the other end of the line, this simple gesture will go a long way toward making your next visit as satisfying as the first.
Don’t walk in unshowered! I can’t emphasize this enough. How many times have I heard girls tell stories about filthy, stinky guys and the lousy sessions they got because the girls are so repulsed by their physical hygiene? Too many! With a few rare exceptions, nobody likes a dirty man. ‘Nuff said!
Once you’re in the place, don’t take forever leering at the girls like they’re hunks of meat. Eyeball the merchandise and make a reasonably swift executive decision before one of the girls reads you and ruins the mood before it even starts.
Don’t haggle for a cheaper price. Save that bullshit for the street girls. Incalls don’t play that game. You’ll only make enemies that way. And even if you’re a cheapskate, don’t let anybody know. All working girls are extremely mercenary and often lust for the right millionaire client who’ll whisk them away to live happily ever after in some kind of fairyland. They’re much more likely to be receptive to a big spender than a tightwad. And that’s a rule with no exception!
How to treat the woman once the session has started is really important. Too many guys hate women deep down inside and show it in the room. Not so subtle hints like grabbing the girl’s head and jamming your cock in her face during a blow job, or saying shit like “take that, bitch,” while you’re sexing her up is exactly the kind of attitude the girls really hate. Remember that early sexual abuse is often the right of passage that enables them to do the job in the first place. They don’t need any more from a stranger with entitlement issues.
So…be gentle. Softly stroke the girl’s hair while she’s giving you head. Or offer to give her a body rub. Show her you’re really a decent guy who worships women, and not an insecure masher who abuses them because he got dumped by some girl in his past for acting like a dick. The girls can be temperamental from servicing long streaks of boneheads without a break in between. Be that break — that guy who treats them nice — and it will definitely serve you in the long run.
Never argue about the use of a condom! Thank the girls for being so insistent on their use. It could save you a trip to the doctor. And never try to force a girl to do something she doesn’t want. Mouth kissing or anal penetration head the list. Kissing is a very personal thing for working girls. If you feel you must kiss your girl, move in slowly and see if she’s receptive. Pick up her body language and subliminal signals. Believe me! You won’t have to ask…and you’ll know the score if only you take the time and be observant of her desires.
No matter how jaded any woman is, and how incredulous about your comments, always compliment the girl on her appearance — or anything about her essence you find attractive. It’s a simple fact that girls like praise and live for it.
All day long, they cavort around and compete with other women who have longer legs, or bigger tits, or rounder asses. And all too often, they’re passed over in favor of one of their competitors. Remember there’s only one guy choosing among several girls. As such, they can get very insecure and in need of bolstering. You’re just the guy to do it. And it’s so simple. Still, too many guys miss the boat on this count.
If you have intercourse with your girl, don’t act like a jackhammer construction worker. More often than not, the women see a lot of men during the course of a day and as a matter of personal comfort, they try to exercise conservation to the best of their ability. Simply put, this means that they can only do so much fucking before they have to quit. A guy who comes in for a 30 minute session and fucks the girl hard for 29 minutes is not necessarily the client of a girl’s dreams. More likely her nightmares.
Ease yourself inside being careful not to hurt her with your steaming manhood. Slide slowly and deliberately until she’s totally wet and wild and ready to be rocked. If she starts begging you to fuck her hard, go for it, dude! But don’t whale away unless you get some kind of indication that she wants it that way.
Contrary to popular belief, most girls don’t want to be callously ravaged by a knucklehead with a mangy hard-on. They’d rather a guy have a little style and finesse. Take that approach and she’ll be begging for more soon enough.
So those are pretty much the guidelines for having a good session and making friends in all the highest places. Just follow these simple rules and you can’t go wrong. Respect the person you’ve chosen and be generous with your affection and your money, and you’ll be the life of their party. Take it from a guy who hangs out with the girls all day. I know what I’m talking about. ‘Nuff said!
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