The Danger of Being Terminally Unique

How Sneaky Is your Ego?

We might not want to admit it or even have the self-awareness to realize it, but we can all fall into the trap of ego — believing that we’re special and the rules just don’t apply.

Ego can lead us to believe that we’re above the law. That healthy lifestyle choices are for other people. That respect and freedom are only for certain groups. That outbursts of violence are acceptable when we’re not getting our way. That our feelings are more important or valid than those of our partner. Ego can even delude us into the belief that we’re not being selfish when we’re clearly crying out for adulation and attention.

I spent most of the last year in therapy, recovering from a drinking problem, quitting my job, unlearning my definition of success and starting on a new path. During this time, I learned a lot about how sneaky our ego can be. I never realized it had the power to make me believe I was being selfless when I was really only focused on myself.

So, I want to tell you a story about this guy I met in group therapy. His name is Tom, and he had a very successful career (for a time).

By his own admission, he wasn’t the smartest, and he wasn’t the slickest person in the professional services world. But he made up for his deficiencies by always grinding his hardest and never calling it quits until the client was happy — this is part of the reason why clients repeatedly tried to hire him.

As a result of his hard work, revenue generation and industry award wins, Tom thought that he got a special pass. He wasn’t a braggart. In fact, he was usually self-deprecating and always tried to help others. He did, however, believe he was exempt from kissing the ass of senior management and doing administrative chores (like keeping timesheets). He also expected that everyone should treat him fairly and respectfully or else he got extremely angry and would complain of being mistreated.

As time wore on, Tom faced more challenges, obstacles to success, brutal working hours and nasty clients. He grew bitter, and his character grew dark. Management eventually felt he was spreading a negative attitude and had enough. He was shocked and outraged when they showed him the door, and he felt that the agency had screwed him again.

His story actually reveals a number of surprising things about the power of the ego to decieve.

Special Rules for Special People

You’re probably very well acquainted with this face of ego-centricity and have likely experienced someone like Tom — particularly in your career or any team-oriented activity. When a person’s skill, talent or results outpace those around them, they can begin to believe that they should also get special treatment. In other words, the rules do not apply.

This attitude is what’s known as entitlement, and it is insidious. It can creep into any part of your life, leading you to believe that because of X, Y or Z you are somehow entitled to do whatever it is you want.

Interestingly this entitlement can form in two different ways, which Mark Manson points out in his bestseller “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.”

“1. I’m awesome and the rest of you all suck, so I deserve special treatment. 2. I suck and the rest of you are all awesome, so I deserve special treatment.”

As Manson notes, it takes just as much effort to constantly play a victim as it does to consistently believe you’re a rock star, and we often oscillate between the two.

At different points during Tom’s story, he played different roles. When he was rolling in the dough and winning awards, he was a superstar — so the rules were beneath him. But, as he fell from grace, the whole world turned against him, and he became a victim. At that point, he felt that he should be handled gently, especially given all the fabulous work he’d done.

Self-Deprecation

Remember how Tom wasn’t a braggart? He actually gave others credit for their work and always made sure executives knew who was involved in a success. In fact, he kind of shrank away from direct praise. Sometimes he’d defer to others, but, more often than not, he would legitimately get down on himself — zeroing in on any little mistake that was made and blowing it out of proportion.

Generally speaking, Americans view self-deprecation as a form on modesty. In some cases, I would agree with you. Based on my conversations with Tom, however, it can actually be a very sneaky form of seeking praise.

Let me explain. Tom knew that his work was good. He knew that he was growing the business. He knew that his clients loved him. Many years later he admitted to me that he was only trying to appear modest — while really trying to get others to convince him of how great he was. It’s like a culturally appropriate way to seek double praise.

Think about a time when you were self-deprecating, but you really knew you did a good job. Were you faking it? Be honest. How good did it feel for others to try to convince you of how great a job you did?

Bulletproof Deflection Mechanism

Tom had an extraordinarily high level of self-confidence in his ability to get the job done. Industry experience and functional expertise didn’t matter. He believed that all he needed to do was put in long hours and hard work, and he could succeed by sheer strength of will.

Resilience in the face of adversity and difficult challenges is to be valued for sure, but the difference is that Tom’s stubborn self-confidence and refusal to ask for help actually came from a place of insecurity.

See, Tom couldn’t ask for help or take feedback. If he was criticized by a senior manager, he could talk them in circles and give the most convincing and intellectual rationale for why things didn’t go right. No matter the situation he could always talk himself out of admitting any responsibility.

“Some people deny that their problems exist in the first place. And because they deny reality, they must constantly delude or distract themselves from reality. This may make them feel good in the short term, but it leads to a life of insecurity, neuroticism and emotional repression,” writes Manson.

Instead of biting the bullet and acknowledging an opportunity for improvement, Tom chose to intellectualize away his failings, shifting the responsibility onto others. Ultimately, this resulted in stunted growth.

Focus on the Needs of Others

As things continued to go downhill for Tom and he faced more criticism for negative outcomes, Tom began to focus on helping others around him. He inserted himself into office politics. He dove into client crises. He even tried to take charge of staffing challenges with underperformers.

Now, you might not ever think helping others could be a form of ego-centricity. But I beg to differ. By Tom’s own admission, he did not want to focus on his failings, his declining performance or the unraveling of his life outside of work. Focusing on others actually allowed him to turn his attention away from himself.

This deflection-based approach plays right into what “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” calls Manson’s law of avoidance:

“The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it,” writes Manson. “That means the more something threatens to change how you view yourself, how successful/unsuccessful you believe yourself to be, how well you see yourself living up to your values, the more you will avoid ever getting around to doing it.”

Admission of Shortcomings and Acceptance

For a couple years after his career downfall, Tom wasn’t willing to admit any role that he might have played in the situation. He continued to buy into his victim narrative that the company took advantage of him, repeatedly placed him in difficult situations and burnt him out.

Eventually, after getting to the bottom of his anger, frustration and insecurity, Tom began to realize that his ego-centric actions had played a significant part in what occurred. First, his pissed off leaders by brushing off their rules and chain of authority, and then, when he’d fallen from his high horse, he conveniently played the victim card.

Tom’s approach was tailor made to avoid admitting responsibility or really taking a hard look in the mirror at his own shortcomings — which ranged from the need for external-validation to insecurity and substance abuse.

“The true measurement of self-worth is not how a person feels about her positive experiences, but rather how she feels about her negative experiences,” writes Manson. “A person who actually has high self-worth is able to look at the negative parts of [her] character frankly — ‘Yes, sometimes I’m irresponsible with money,’ ‘Yes, sometimes I exaggerate my own successes,’ ‘Yes, I rely too much on others to support me and should be more self-reliant’ — and then acts to improve upon them.”

As you’ve seen, ego can be a pretty sneaky, creeping into your thoughts and actions from seemingly innocent places. In most situations, I’ve found it worthwhile to question what role my ego might be playing.

You might also ask yourself: How do I know so much about Tom?

Well, he’s the person I found when I was finally willing to do the work. When I had built up the strength to be vulnerable and the courage to examine my insecurities under the microscope for months. Picking apart my childhood and admitting to my weaknesses was not comfortable, but it freed me.

When I admitted my flaws, anxieties and shortcomings, I slowly began to realize that I could accept them. I no longer needed to hide my true self and insecurities behind a façade of external validation and accomplishments. I finally stopped the difficult balancing act of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations. All I needed to do was accept who I am as enough, and I could finally relax in my own skin.

As Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

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