Why Critics Are Cowards
Putting You Down Is How They Protect Themselves
Critics can come at us from anywhere today. They play many different roles in our lives and are always ready to offer their “expert” opinion.
They could be caustic coaches, bully bosses, fake friends, soccer moms named Karen, nosy neighbors, worried parents, devoted doctors, capricious children, empathic therapists, seething spouses, fickle followers, snobby waiters, grumpy judges or even a rowdy audience.
They mock. They taunt. They pass notes. They share jokes. They spread rumors. They gossip behind our backs. They write in red ink and point their fingers. They look down their noses. They say “I told you so.”
They may control our bonuses, grades and playing time, but we give them the power to do so much more. We let them lower our confidence, bury our belief in ourselves, doubt our potential, convince us not to take risks and give us a million reasons not to move forward.
While all critics are different, they roughly break down into two specific groups. On the one side, their constructive critiquing may at times be harsh and abrasive, but it’s intended to make us better and help us grow. On the other side, they’re caustic and intent on tearing us down and holding us back.
Given their ability to derail us from progress, I’m focusing on this second group. It can be easy to dismiss them as nasty, ill-tempered people and leave it at that. But I would argue that they can teach us something about insecurity and fear.
We all have the ability to be overly critical and judgmental from time to time — so it’s worth taking a closer look at their motivation.
Let’s examine a few common kinds of these often ruthless character assassins, shall we?
The Exclusive Snob
From your hair to your footwear, everything about you is treated as evidence of whether or not you belong to their exclusive group.
As in-group snobs eye you from head to toe, you can almost sense them running down a mental check list and deducting points. One errant brand or unnecessary pleat, and you’re exiled as just another member of the great unwashed.
Exclusive = Exclusionary
It’s not just clothes or appearances, however. We can be exclusionary about race, religion, political beliefs, level of education, parenting style, neighborhood of origin or money in the bank. Regardless as to what the tribe is based upon, if you don’t fit in, then there’s something wrong with you and you are judged to be “less than.”
The snobs find comfort within their homogenous group. There is security in being a member of the pack. There is protection from the unpredictable outside world within a community of likeminded people. You never have to stand alone; the tribe supports your beliefs and reinforces their validity by putting outsiders down.
What Lies Beneath: In my experience, in-groups that define themselves upon their opposition or disdain for outsiders are deeply fearful and insecure. The group structure provides external validation and status in place of self-esteem developed from within (which members often lack). The acceptance of others can be a substitute for individuals’ acceptance of themselves.
The Sadist
Some critics are just sick and take pleasure in causing others pain. It’s a sad truth that some people are only out for themselves, and your only value to them is either how you can make them feel or what they can get from you.
This group is where you find the internet trolls and zoom-bombers who hide behind digital anonymity while attacking vulnerable groups. They could also be bully bosses who like to rain down sh*t upon lower-level employees from their executive perches. Often people like this will be intentionally oppositional and combative.
Sadists might also exhibit some Machiavellian tendencies and manipulate you for their benefit. For example, in the office, the sadist can turn you into a stepping stone, a fall guy or someone to do all their work. In every scenario, you can be assured that they will direct all blame and criticism toward the victim.
To a sadist, tormenting others is a sick game that reinforces their sense of power over others. Not only does it give them pleasure to watch you squirm, it’s also enjoyable to inflict emotional or psychological pain.
What Lies Beneath: Manipulative individuals who take pleasure from causing others psychological pain are, ultimately, focused on control and power. By dominating and tormenting others, this type of critic attempts to demonstrate their own superiority and independence from traditional moral constraints.
The Cowardly Critic
Have your friends ever caused you to second guess your decisions by meticulously outlining all their risks?
While a cowardly critic may ultimately have your best interests in mind, overprotection is its own form of confidence killer. When you’re always focused on what could go wrong, your efforts are tentative, and your focus is distracted.
In order to progress, we all must suffer failure and setbacks. That’s just how we learn and grow. Many of the greats in history became so exceptional precisely because they wouldn’t allow all the naysayers slow them down or break their confidence. Ultimately, if you never try something new, you will stagnate and never advance.
What Lies Beneath: Attempting to avoid all risks leads to a false sense of security. By seeking shelter behind that which is familiar and comfortable, we are really trying to avoid the fear of failure and humiliation. It’s not uncommon for this type of critic to jealously try to scare you from achieving things that they never could.
Caustic Karens
She’s a busybody through and through. She doesn’t need the security of the pack. She has the world all figured out on her own, and you can be sure she’ll tell your manager what you’re doing wrong.
Given all the Karens in the media, I need to make it clear that I do not view this as a female trait at all. Plenty of “Kens” can be self-righteous busybodies — we just tend to call them @ssholes. In fact, The Atlantic even named Trump the Karen in Chief.
Defined by their entitlement and pathological confidence in their opinions, Karens and Kens truly believe that they’re extremely helpful and well intentioned. They just want to “help” others achieve their level of enlightenment by educating them about the right way to do things.
This group is home to the back-seat drivers, the nosy neighbors, the overbearing in-laws and the fathers screaming at their children from the sidelines. Karens and Kens can be anyone who likes to butt in and bless you with their unique wisdom and sage counsel.
What Lies Beneath: Drawing a sense of self-esteem by putting everyone around them down, the Karens of the world thrive on their own perceived superiority over others. As opposed to the sadist critics, Karens lack self-awareness and genuinely do think they are helping others.
Criticism as Defense and Attack
If there’s one common theme shared by every possible kind of critic, it’s their external focus on negatively judging others while somehow ducking judgement themselves.
In many ways, criticism is a manipulative approach to avoid critique. In sports, it’s been said that the best defense is a good offense. You don’t need to play defense when your opponent is already back on their heels.
As an executive media trainer with over a decade in the public relations industry, I can tell you that criticism is a tried and true tactic for deflecting. It’s like a magic trick. You distract the viewer’s focus on yourself by directing focus elsewhere. Ever watched Trump dodge a critical or incriminating question by calling the reporter names?
I’ve found that many critics simply do not have the capacity to take an honest look in the mirror or search for their own flaws under a microscope. If the spotlight is turned in their direction, they tend to immediately spring on the offensive, blaming and lashing out at those around them.
Critics can’t take the heat of the spotlight because deep down they know they don’t have much there to judge. It’s the scared and the insecure who hide behind ruthless criticism. It’s those who want to project their own failures onto others.
The reason they don’t have the capacity to take a long honest look at themselves is because they’re insecure, they’re terrified.
If critics are so afraid to take any criticism themselves, why do we pay so much attention to what they have to say?
When to Listen and When to Dismiss
In the age of social media, much of society seems to be extremely confident in their “expertise” to critique anything or anyone around them, regardless of their level of understanding or experience. This is what internet trolls do best — mock, belittle, blame and shame whatever or whoever their target du jour happens to be.
From my point of view, it’s all about intentions. The only criticism that really matters comes from a place of positivity and commitment to enable future growth. Constructive criticism lifts us up out of failure, builds up our weaknesses and reinforces our resolve to progress and advance.
Negative criticism is designed to make the speaker feel superior. The critic lifts himself up by pushing you down. It shatters our belief in ourselves and damages our self-esteem. It adds insult to injury. It excludes and is intended to make us feel “less than.” We need fewer caustic critics, not more. Pointing fingers doesn’t help anyone progress.
We need more compassionate and empathetic people to help to pick others up. We need more self-aware people who know what it’s like to fall down trying to reach a goal, who know the pain of failure and humiliation. These are the people who can teach others to triumph through adversity.
What often gets lost in all the scathing and negative critiques is that the person being criticized attempted something great. They took a chance. They made themselves vulnerable and had the courage to go out on a limb. They risked failure and humiliation to improve and progress.
What did the critics do? They didn’t do sh*t.
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