The benefits of virtual relationships
Virtual friendships can have a number of surprising benefits when we know how to cultivate them appropriately.
by: E.B. Johnson
We are living in an age of unprecedented technological advancement, and that means that we’re more connected than ever. Just because we’re more connected doesn’t mean our friendships are thriving like never before, however. Even though we have Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, many of us struggle to maintain real world friendships — a fact which can lead us to rely more and more on the connections we make in the virtual realm.
Virtual friendships can offer real benefit to our lives when we know how to cultivate them and utilize them appropriately. Finding friends online isn’t hard, but it does take a little know how and a little perseverance when you’re looking for something meaningful and purposeful for your life. If you’re looking for friends but struggling to find them in the “real world” — then turn your eyes toward the virtual one and discover how to cultivate meaningful long-distance friendships.
The new age of long-distance friendships.
The internet is an incredible place, filled with all sorts of information, resources and opportunity — wrapped up in one digital package that can open up the doors of the world to us. We can shop for virtually anything, plan a globe-trotting holiday in an instant. You can find just about anything you want or need on the internet, and that includes deep and meaningful connections that provide the mental and emotional support and stimulation you need to thrive.
Though we often tout face-to-face friends as the only relationships that have any value, our virtual friends can actually offer us a lot when we know how to cultivate the relationships safely and responsibly. Long-distance friendships offer us the benefit of detached attachment, as well as anonymity and minimal demands on our time our our physical energy and fortitude. More than that, they offer us a unique opportunity to connect with someone who holds the same interests; something not always possible in our face-to-face friendships.
Virtual friendships can be as important as traditional ones, and they can offer us additional benefits that allow us to be ourselves on a more authentic and completely different level. It’s important to remained focused on who we are and what we want, however, as well as our mental and physical safety, though. Because the internet is a big place, and it can be scary too. That shouldn’t keep us from getting out there and making the friendships we need to thrive, however. If anything, it should excite us to the possibility of opportunity.
How our virtual relationships differ from physical ones.
Though our online friendships can be just as beneficial and transformative as our real-world connections, they do differ in a number of ways from the bonds we make in the real world. The emotional connection might be the same (or deeper) but the physical aspects shifts what we think we know about friendship and the way those relationships operate. Really creating happy, positive virtual friendships means understanding them inside and out.
Limitless support
Perhaps the greatest difference between traditional friendships and virtual ones is their ability to exist no matter the time or the place. Our virtual friendships can be as close as physical ones, but unlike those physical relationships they don’t always get shoved aside or pushed away by physical moves and extreme change. As long as you have access to a phone or a laptop, you can have access to support and an understanding shoulder to cry on.
Minimal demands
The virtual friendship is one that comes with minimal demands, and that includes financial investments. When you have a close friend online, they can be there for you any time without needing to spend money or exert yourself physically in order to meet them in the middle. With virtual friendship, you can tune in or tune out at will, and you always have someone there to support you that isn’t a drain on your time, energy or financial resources.
Precise connections
Friendships that exist in our physical realm are traditionally those that are based on shared experiences, and shared environments, rather than specific or niche interests, loves, hopes or troubles. Online relationships are different, however, and allow us to bond over precise interests, or specific experiences (like death, grieving and illness) that our “real-world” family and friends may not be able to understand fully.
The benefits of having a virtual friendship.
Our internet friendships can be incredibly beneficial to our overall happiness and wellbeing, and they can also offer a number of other unique benefits that our traditional friendships just can’t muster. When we connect online, we are offered anonymity, round-the-clock support, and even a certain de-individuation that really empowers us to be who we truly are.
Visibility
Because of the distance naturally entailed in a virtual friendship, it allows us to open up in a some truly special ways. When we open up to others, we are seen as we are, and that’s one of the most gratifying experiences we can have as people. Online friendships offer true visibility, and that’s not something that we can always find easily in our real lives, thanks to the pressure of modern-day living.
Anonymity
The same distance that allows us to open up to our virtual friends is also the same distance that creates a special anonymity in these friendships. This anonymity can be both good and bad, but when it’s good it lets us feel more comfortable sharing information about ourselves and the things we like and enjoy.
Meaningful links
Virtual relationships sometimes get a bad rap, but there are a lot of benefits to them when they are utilized correctly. Just like our physical-world relationships, our virtual friendships offer genuine emotional and mental support. Outside of that, they can also offer a boosted sense of confidence and even improved self-esteem when we find the right friends who offer us the right things we need in that environment.
Detached attachment
Detached attachment can be a healthy way to bond with someone deeply and on a truly meaningful level. When we are bonded with someone in this way, we are able to maintain our independence and our space, while still having somewhat immediate access to the emotional support that a virtual pal provides. Though we might be geographically seperated from our online friends we can have their support at any time, while still maintaining our own bubbles of life.
No non-verbal cues
Because the online experience so often removes the non-verbal cues that give away the little pieces in-between, it can make it easier for us to portray ourselves in a better or more-accurate light. So much of our online friendships are based around writing, and when we write we are better able to connect with our emotions and express ourselves more fully or robustly. There are a lot of cognitive changes we undergo when we’re writing, and that can often equal big boosts for the way we perceive people, experiences and situations.
De-individuation
The modern world can be a tough place, and there’s more pressure than ever to constantly present yourself in a happy, joyful light. In the virtual world, however, a lot of these pressures are removed in a process called de-individuation — a process by which we become less restrained and therefore more aligned with our true self and behavior.
How to cultivate healthy and supportive online friendships.
If you’re looking to create online friendships that add to (rather than detract from) your life, there are a number of techniques you can utilize in order to make that happen…safely. Learning how to put yourself out there isn’t always easy, but it can have fantastic results for our happiness and sense of self — especially when it’s practiced behind the safety of internet anonymity.
1. Do your research and be safe
When it comes to reaching out to people online the first — and often the most important — thing we can do is engage in a lot of research and focus on your personal safety. Though online friends can be a great source of personal connection and support, it’s also extremely easy to be led awry by those online who have less-than-ideal intentions. Before you jump into the deep end of cultivating online connections, make sure you’re getting the true background first.
Listen to your instincts and limit the personal info you put into your online profile. It’s one thing to tell someone your interests, it’s another thing to tell them your full name right off the bat, or what city or town you live in. If you’ve met someone new, be open but remember your personal safety above all else. Not everyone out there is looking for a friend like us. Safeguard your physical and mental safety.
Your own safety aside, don’t be afraid to do a little digging if you’ve met someone new online. There’s nothing wrong with taking a little browse of their profile, or even the other public social media channels that they may have. Look for signs that help you to determine whether or not they are who they say they are, and look for red flags like extremely low friends numbers, or only friends of one specific gender. Listen when your head or your heart tells you something isn’t right. As humans, we often see what we want to see, but we have to get beyond that in order to make meaningful online connections.
2. Look for people who have the same interests
One of the best things about making friends online is that it allows us to really narrow in and narrow down the options, allowing us to find people with very specific interests or hobbies that match our own. Though the relationships in our “real life” are special, they’re more experiential than anything else. We are bonded over grief, happiness, joy, acquaintances — but we aren’t necessarily into the same things or bonded over personality specifics. In the online world, however, that’s not the case.
Look for communities of people that are centered around the same interests that you have. The smaller the group is, the better, and the more specific the better too. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and offer an introduction. Reply to a couple of posts or send some people you like the look of a quick, “Hello!”
You can find these communities through online gaming, art and technology forums, Twitter, Reddit and anywhere else people congregate online. Lose all the societal pressures you might feel, and really deep dive into those special interests which you currently only get to share alone. Though the digital world seems so far removed from who we really are, it can hold some truly special bonds when we know where to look and how to reach out.
3. Start conversations
Sometimes, friendships happen totally by chance but — more often than not — they’re the result of two people putting energy and work into connecting. The same applies to our online relationships, and the way we meet and connect with people in the digital realm. Sometimes, these friendships happen organically, but often they require one of us to make a first move and strike up the conversations that lead to a relationship.
Start small, and make contact through post comments or short, quick messages on specific subjects (ie gardening, parenting, etc.) Questions and compliments are the best way to do this. Some examples might include, “Wow! Your garden is beautiful. How do you maintain your orchids?” or “Nice. That’s a really great photo.” Don’t overdo it and don’t be disingenuous.
Let conversation flow naturally (or not). If the person doesn’t seem to reciprocate, let it go and move on to someone else you find interesting or intriguiging. There are billions of people out there in the world and many of them are on the internet. If your ice-breakers don’t do the trick, move on to the next person and don’t let it get you down or nick your confidence. Be straightforward and know that there’s plenty of other friend-fish in the sea.
4. Come from a place of confidence
If you’ve been struggling to maintain close personal friendships in the physical realm, the virtual realm can be all that more enticing. People online are not that different from people in our physical lives, however. They don’t want friends who pull them back or drag them down. They want to connect with people who are not only similar to them, but who make them happy or inspire them to find joy. That only happens when we approach our friends with confidence, rather than desperate neediness.
Reaching out to someone new is scary, but it’s important that we do so with confidence (even if we don’t really feel that way). Let go of that desperate need to be liked, wanted or needed and understand that making friends online is simply a numbers game. You’ll find the right people if you just continue to put yourself out there (safely) — so drop the desperation and the pressurized feeling of needing to “get it right” with everyone.
Don’t chase people and don’t set up relationships in which you’re investing more than the other person; be that in time, mental or emotional energy. Let go of your need for instant feedback and and don’t be an eager beaver every single time the other person says, “jump”. Friendships only feel nice when they’re based on equal footing. Ensure this equal footing from the jump by approaching the process of making friends with confidence and the knowledge that you are a lovable, deserving person with so much to offer the right people.
5. Ask a lot of questions
The best way to make anyone your friend is to ask a lot of questions. As humans, we love to talk about ourselves; but we also love to feel as though we are being seen. Nothing makes someone feel more visible than being listened to by someone they love or respect. Being seen in this way makes it easier to trust, and it makes it easier to be vulnerable — all things which make for strong and solid bonds of connection between people no matter where they are.
Find commonalities by asking the other person questions that allow them to tell you more about their life, experiences and things that make them unique. Avoid big, broad questions and really get specific in a way that empowers them to open up to you. Ask them about their dreams. Ask them about where they want to travel. Really get to know them, and drop the superficial.
On the flip side of that, make sure you don’t create a one-sided environment in which only the other person gets to share what’s going on in their life. Share with them as much as they share with you, and encourage them to ask questions in their own right. If you’ve found someone who fails to dig into you or what’s going on in your life — walk away. That type of relationship (be it online or in the physical) is toxic and will only undermine your true wellbeing.
Putting it all together…
Friendships are important and offer us invaluable insight into who we are and what we want from this life. Though we often think of these friendships as something which can only exist in the physical realm, virtual connections are very much something that can add a great deal of emotional and mental support in our lives. If you’re looking for friends and struggling to find them, it’s not always a bad deal to turn your eye to the digital realm, and the people there who can see you and love you for who and what you are.
Do your research on the people you’re intrigued by and the platform you’re using. Look out for your physical and emotional safety first and foremost, and don’t give away too many personal details — especially when you’re not sure who you’re talking to is real. Look for red flags, but keep yourself open to sharing comparable interests. Dip your toe into the conversation pool slowly and start with comments, quick questions or compliments that show your interest. Come from a place of confidence and understand that, when it comes to making friends, it’s really just a numbers game. Look for small communities that are focused around your interests, and ask a lot of questions when you meet someone that seems to be potential friend material. Our online friendships can be just as valuable as our real-world friendships when we know how to appreciate them for what they are. Friendships are a tool. Use them to help yourself thrive.
