Are they really your friend?
In the age of social media, it’s harder than ever to tell who’s a friend and who’s not.
by: E.B. Johnson
When we care for someone, we like to assume that the feelings are reciprocated — but that’s not always the case. Even though we might surround ourselves with people we believe to be our friends, we can often find out that these assumptions are misguided and we’re more alone than we thought. Some people just can’t reciprocate the thing we call friendship, and that’s okay. What’s important is that we learn to spot the difference between a fake friend and a real friend, in order to protect our hearts and our wellbeing.
Friendship is a complex dynamic, filled with lots of variables and moving pieces that can make it hard to suss out from time to time. Many of us struggle with our friendships because we don’t know what friendship really is, but that’s something that takes time and commitment to cultivate. If you’re someone that finds themselves frequently reevaluating the relationships of your friends, chances are you need to reassess how you perceive friendship.
What is friendship and why is it important?
Friendship is associated with everything from how we see ourselves to how we feel, affecting our lives in a number of ways that are both surprising and subtle. Our friendships are the bonds we share with the people who support us willingly, but it’s more than that too.
Friendship is an important cornerstone of the human experience, and it’s one that can all-too-frequently get left behind or confused in this social media age. One the surface, friendship is simply a platonic relationship between two people who care about one another, but it’s far more than that. Our friendships are good for our health and increase our sense of belonging and purpose.
When we have vibrant and active circles of friends, we get a natural boost to our happiness and a natural reduction to our stress; which helps us to improve our self-confidence and cope with the traumas and stressors of everyday life. Our friends inspire us and motivate us to do and be better than we are. They can encourage us to avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits, and help us make difficult decisions when our perspective isn’t enough to come to a resolution.
Adults with strong social circles have even been shown to have a reduced risk of many health problems, such as depression, high blood pressure and even high BMI’s. Friendship is great for us — but only true and genuine friendship.
The 3 foundations of friendship.
There are 3 simple foundations when it comes to any friendship. Think of your friendships a bit like a three-legged stool. Without even one of its three legs, it cannot stand, meaning there’s no way for the relationship to support you, or the other person involved in the equation. These 3 cornerstones are imperative for any friendship to thrive. Lose one and you lose the relationship altogether.
Being helpful.
Though we don’t always like to think of it this way, the primary function of a friendship is to provide a helpful and supportive resource to the parties involved. Sure, you like spending time with one another, but you also keep the other person close because you know they’ll be there for you in a moment of crisis or stress. Friendships are cooperatives and, when they’re not, they inevitably dissolve.
Investment of time.
Sharing time with our friends is what allows us to connect on such deep and meaningful levels. Primates in the wild spend as much as 20% of their waking time socializing, and they do so selectively with partners they seem to show a preference for.
They build their bonds over time — just as we do — and we can learn the simple lesson from our cousins that it takes an investment of time in order to create a solid and supportive relationship.
The more time we spend with our friends, the deeper our connections become, but that takes an investment of time on both parties in equal measure. Needing a shoulder to cry on means preparing that shoulder ahead of time, not just when the moment of need comes. Friends take time to make and maintain.
Focusing on the positive.
Our friendships are more than just an opportunity to have social fun. Friendships are actually good for us, and spending time with people we care about can make us feel better by triggering a release of endorphins and oxytocin — the neurotransmitters that make us feel good. Because of the positive vibes inspired by our chemical reaction to friendship, we are better able to see beyond the negative and focus on the positive parts of the others person, in turn leading to greater understanding and compassion.
How to tell if someone is your friend: the questions to ask yourself.
If you’re still struggling to tell whether or not that person is a true friend or just an acquaintance, there are some key questions you can ask yourself in order to get to the truth. Beyond the 3 key foundations listed above, there are a few other signs that someone has your best interests at heart, but it takes time and some radical honesty to accept.
Are you active and / or creative with this person?
Shared experiences are one of the way we cultivate our bonds and measure our trust and connectivity with another person.
If you have someone in your life that inspires you to get up, get active or get creative, then chances are you’re dealing with someone who enjoys spending time with you, and someone who has your best interests at heart.
When we feel good, we feel inspired to be better, and our friendships have a lot to do with that. If someone in your circle empowers you to act on your dreams and creative ideas, you might be closer than you thought. Only you can answer that question, though, and the answer has to be the truth — not just what you want to see.
Does the friendship serve a specific purpose?
Friendships with a specific purpose are friendships you should probably rethink. According to Ronald Sharpe (a College English professor at Vassar and co-editor of “The Norton Book of Friendship”) today’s friendships-with-a-purpose aren’t really friendships at all. “People are so eager to maximize efficiency of relationships that they have lost touch with what it is to be a friend,” he told the New York Times, going on to say that people no longer know how to “waste time” with the people they considered their friends.
Does the other person allow you to be vulnerable?
Having a friend means sharing. We share ourselves with the people that we care about, but that takes a certain vulnerability and intimate disclosure. If you can’t confide in someone, they aren’t your friend. We divulge things to people we take a liking to, so if you can’t open up to someone — it follows that you don’t really like them as much as you pretend that you do.
Have you ever overcome challenges with this person?
High-quality connections take a bit of stretching. Our strongest relationships are the ones that have a little flexibility, and the ones that can allow for a bit of change from time-to-time.
While a weak friendship will fizzle out after a major cross-country move, the true friendship is one that can be maintained from irregular Skype chats or the occasional message or text. Good friendships are like metal — they require tempering and that tempering happens through adversity and conflict, the overcoming of which leaves our friendships sparkling and new.
Would this person make your top 5?
When it comes right down to it, we have a limited amount of time on this earth and a limited amount of attention to give to the world around us. The relationships we cultivate matter, and it’s important that we spend our time wisely. It helps to think of friendship like layers. Would this person make your top 5? The layers theory can help you answer that question.
Imagine your life as being a bit like a bullseye, with a stack of concentric circles piled up around one another. The innermost ring (the smallest) is made up of your most intimate connections; 1 or 2 people that you’re especially close to. The next layer is a little bigger, holding 3–4 people, and consists of people that you care for and interact with on a weekly basis.
As the rings shift outward, your time and emotional input decreases, allowing you to prioritize who matters, and who doesn’t. Knowing and accepting that you have a limited emotional scope to extend will allow you to focus more efficiently on the connections that matter. Keep it to a top 5. Would this person make the cut? The answer might surprise you if you’re being honest with yourself.
Does this person allow you to express emotion?
Hiding your emotions around someone is sure-fire sign that they’re not your friend. Solid relationships require a high emotional carrying capacity — or an ability to express both positive and negative emotions. Without the ability to be completely emotionally honest with someone, you can’t establish a mutual sense of trust and respect, invaluable and necessary in any good relationship.
Signs someone is a true friend.
Spotting a true friend can be tricky. Thanks to our fascination with social media, we now have “friends” lists that are full to bursting, but these friendships are superficial and without many of the benefits of traditional friendship. Being a friend is more than liking a post from time to time. Know how to spot the signs of a true friend and stop wasting your energy on people who could care less about you.
1. They make you feel like a good person.
Our friends provide encouragement and they help us to see ourselves through a more positive and encouraging lens. They don’t make you feel bad for passing on invitations, and they don’t try to emotionally manipulate you into seeing things their way.
They cheer you on and encourage you do better for yourself, your family and your career. Friends should make us feel good, not bad, and they should do so without being asked. If you’ve found someone who makes you feel better just for being around them — you might have found yourself a real friend.
2. Neither one of you are keeping score.
In the professional world, it’s okay to have a tit-for-tat relationship, but when it comes to true friendship, that doesn’t fly. Our friendships, by necessity, shift from reciprocity to generosity. Because we care for the other person on a deeper level, it allows us to focus on their needs (as well as our own) and lets us drop that need to get something back from them.
3. You’ve shared meaningful experiences.
Our friendships should involve shared memories and mutual activities that allow you to bond in deep and lasting ways. While going to a movie or going shopping is nice, it doesn’t really constitute bonding on a deeper level. True friendships overcome tests like travel, late-night parties or nursing one or the other through the flu.
If you’ve never had an experience that left you vulnerable, open or sharing something that you wouldn’t normally share with the acquaintances in your life — chances are you aren’t really friends. Our meaningful experiences bond us in a way that is impossible to fake or recreate; it creates the frame of our friendships.
4. Both of you feel comfortable sharing the tough stuff.
Getting critical feedback is never fun, but our true friends can tell us what we need to hear…even when we don’t want to hear it. Because true friendships come with a certain level of flexibility, it gives them the capacity to withstand criticism. Friends love one another on a deep level, and that allows them to deliver the tough truths with gentle compassion that encourages growth rather than indignant pride.
5. Distance means little.
Extended absences or distances mean little to the true friend. Much like our family members, going for days or weeks without talking does little to damage the shared connection. When you do reconnect, it’s as if no time has passed at all, and even the busiest of schedules can’t keep you from thinking of one another or being there when the hard things happen.
6. Forgiveness is key.
Our true friends know how to forgive us when we mess up or forget to honor some aspect of the 3 foundations. Like any good relationship, a friend knows how to forgive, and the relationship the two of you share has more than enough forgiveness to go around.
Just because we love someone doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes or step out of line. Our friends understand that and are able to continue to see the good in us no matter what. For this reason, it makes it easier for us to forgive our friends (and ourselves) and makes it easier to understand where they’re coming from when they act out or mess up.
Signs someone is *not* a true friend.
Just as important as spotting the signs of a good friendship is spotting the signs of a bad friendship. Toxic pseudo-friendships are everywhere, and they can seriously undermine our wellbeing when we commit too much time and energy to them. Learn how to spot the signs of a bad friend and save yourself future heartaches.
1. They disappear any time you need help.
A part of friendship is being there for one another when things get tough. If your friend disappears any time the tough gets going, then they’re not really your friend — they’re a hanger-on and someone who doesn’t value you or your needs. People who use you for company are people who will use you for anything and everything else they want. Their love and care is fleeting. Run, don’t walk, the other way.
2. They talk about you when you’re not around.
When we care about people, we tend to look for the best and rationalize poor behavior. If someone you consider a “friend” takes the time to spread rumors or talk about you poorly when you’re not around, they’re not your friend at all and you need to clear them from your circle as soon as possible.
Caring about someone means keeping their confidences and believing in them, even when they’re experiencing a shift in circumstances or prolonged difficulties. You don’t talk about a friend behind their back when they’re struggling; you sing their praises and lift them up so that they can become encouraged to lift themselves up.
3. They put conditions on their time or consideration.
Perhaps one of the biggest signs that you’re dealing with a fake friend is realizing that their friendship is extremely conditional or one-sided. We all have boundaries, and it’s important to stick to those boundaries, but it’s not fair to expect your friends to scale Mt. Everest just to get close.
Conditions aren’t standards, but it’s easy to get them mixed up in this “empowerment” culture. If a friend expects you to give them things or meet certain criteria before gaining access to their attention — cut them out. They’re only there for them, not for you.
4. They don’t listen to you or only talk about themselves.
Egocentric people make poor friends and that’s because everything is about them 24/7/365. It’s hard to connect with someone who is unable to think about or care about anything but themselves.
When one half of the friend equation is spending all their time and energy snapping selfies or talking about their latest achievements (to the exclusion of the other party), it’s impossible to cultivate any kind of meaningful or resonating emotion toward one another.
Real friends listen, while self-centered people care to talk about and focus only on themselves. You shouldn’t have to fight to be heard. Your friend should be interested in what you have to say because they’re interested in you. Tread carefully when it comes to these one-sided “friendships”; if you’re not careful, they can have you believing your needs aren’t as valuable as theirs.
5. They don’t accept you for who you are.
If you’ve found yourself in a relationship with someone who is constantly trying to change or undermine you — surprise! You don’t have a friend, you have a manipulator.
Real friends stick beside us no matter who we are and they have no desire to change us in order to fit some standard, condition or preconceived notion. They don’t care if we end up as doctors or mothers, husbands or sea captains. To the true friend, they’re happy as long as you’re happy, and there’s little else that needs to be said.
The best ways to cultivate healthy friendships.
If you’re despairing — don’t. There are a number of ways we can cultivate the relationships around us to foster healthy and transformative friendships that add, rather than detract from our experiences here on Earth. If you want to nurture your friendships, take some time and institute these practices into your day-to-day experiences together. They’ll help you bond and connect on a deeper and more meaningful level.
Don’t be afraid to open up.
You can build intimacy with your friends by opening up about yourself and being honest about how you feel or what you’re thinking.
When we are willing to disclose our personal experiences or thoughts, it allows others to do the same, and through that we form mutual bonds of understanding and respect. If you want better friends, open up to them so they can open up to you. Let someone know if they hold a special place in your life and don’t just assume they know that.
Listen when they speak.
We live in a society that tells us to focus on our own thoughts, rather than the thoughts and ideas of others. If you want to cultivate meaningful friendships, listen when other people speak, and stop just listening for your next chance to speak.
Pay close attention and indicate that you’re listening through your expressions, body language and responses like, “that sounds fun.” Our silence can often mean more than our words, so take the time to listen and only respond when the other party has had the space they need to express themselves.
Be kind.
Kindness is a trait that can often be overlooked, even though it’s one of the first behaviors we learn as children. The facet of kindness remains the core of all successful adult relationships, and it remains the emotional bank account by which we pay out of friends for their tender attentions to our needs and happiness.
Being kind is the fastest way to turn an acquaintance into a friend but you have to stay aware of both their needs and yours. Be kind, but don’t compromise yourself. Everything is a give and take and friendship is no different.
Prove that you’re a trustworthy person.
Strong friendships require the parties involved to prove — each and every day — that they are responsible, reliable and dependable.
You can do this by keeping to your promises and showing up to engagements on time. Follow through on the commitments that you’ve made and be there even when you haven’t been asked.
Half of being a good friend is stepping up to the plate. Prove that you’re someone who can be trusted and you’ll prove that you’re someone worth befriending.
Manage your nerves.
Social situations can leave the best of us feeling shaken and on edge, but it’s important to overcome this in order to cultivate healthy and happy friendships that can stand the test of time. Each time you feel the social anxiety coming on, use mindfulness exercises to reshape your thinking and the way you feel about the potential outcomes. These scenarios are never as bad as we think they are, so pay attention to the reality of the situation and show up for the people you call your friends.
Make yourself available.
Relationships (especially friendships) take time to cultivate. Make an effort to see your friends regularly and check in with them between meet-ups. Extending yourself in this way might feel awkward at first, but someone has to be the first to put themselves out on a limb. The feeling will pass the more you engage, so reach out and make yourself available to the people who matter most.
Putting it all together…
Friendships are complex relationships with a lot of moving pieces and different dynamics. While there is no one hard-and-fast test that proves whether or not someone has your best interests at heart, there are some concrete signs and techniques we can use to distinguish friend from foe. Learning how to spot the signs takes time, however, and it takes a lot of radical honest and self-acceptance.
Positive friendships are built around the the 3 foundations of investing time, seeing the positive, and being helpful when things get tough. Ask yourself the tough questions and identify the other party’s intentions before you invest too much of your time in a friendship that’s going nowhere. If you see red flags, run the other way, and never compromise yourself or what you believe in just to meet someone else’s conditions for friendship. Our friendships are beautiful and precious things that can encourage us to grow in transformative ways, but it takes knowing how to differentiate between a fake friend and a real friend. There’s a big difference, and one that can make all the difference in the world for our peace of mind and wellbeing.
