#68 —THE DELUDED CUSTODIANS ARE DEAD OR ALIVE AT LAKE TAHOE.

The Balcony and The Lake.

An Idiot Reporting.

“The balcony.”

I looked up just as Lucinda was leaning in to quietly scream into my ear as she pointed out the window.

“THE. BALCONY.”

I looked up as a man in a furry hat vanished through the door leading onto the balcony.

I was sitting in Lucinda’s Lakeside Lunchspot at 7777 Lake Tahoe Blvd. Nevada. Thanks to Crocodile Dundee, most Americans can now recognise the Australian accent. Especially if they grew up in Mullumbimby.

Mr Dundee had also planted the idea that most Australians are complete idiots which was working in my favour. Everyone felt the need to explain everything to me very slowly and in great detail.

I’d ask Lucinda if she’d noticed any strange characters in town.

“How strange? Stranger than you?”

I looked puzzled, so she continued.

“How about cartwheels? Are they strange? There was a man doing cartwheels down Lake Tahoe Blvd this morning.”

I took out my notebook and jotted it down.

I moved out onto the patio to get a better view of the street. I had a feeling that Charles Bronson was about to appear and there were vague echoes of Ennio Morricone drifting through the air.

It wasn’t just Ennio Morricone drifting through the air, I could hear the distinct strine/whine of the Australian accent coming down the street. I turned to see a man maniacally waving a rather full and steaming bag of dog shit and he seemed to be talking to the president on his phone. I thought it best not to approach.

The Morricone was no longer there and I turned to see Lucinda contemplating what CD to put on next.

“How about some Jazzamatazz?”

“Sounds great. How about another coffee? Extra strong.”

“Coming right up! Oh, hey Esmeralda, nice to see you. Coffee or lunch?”

“I’m meeting Esmeralda for lunch, and she’s bringing along Esmeralda and Esmeralda.”

This wasn’t turning into the breakthrough I was hoping for.

Suddenly, I got the feeling I was being watched. It was the busker across the road. I kept noticing him looking away every time I turned my head. Dressed as a clown, he was playing the main theme from Once Upon A Time in the West on his violin very badly. I really think he needs to look for another job.

Soon, all the Esmeraldas had settles around the table and my ears were wide open.

There was a lot of talk about rehearsals and noticed there was a poster for a band called the Esmeralda’s. I put 7 and 7 together and got 14. Lo and behold, their gig was on the 14th May. Today.

“Hey ladies, question. You heard from any of those weird groupies after that scrabble afterparty in Dodge City?”

The other three Esmeraldas simultaneously answered yes.

“Does that guy on the patio look familiar?”

Oh shit, it was all coming back to me. No wonder they looked familiar. I better settle up and get out of here.

On the way out I heard mention of a sinus infection and the cure down at Lake Tahoe.

I headed down to Lake Tahoe to see if I could find an appropriate hiding spot where I could keep out of sight while keeping a good eye on the shoreline.

I could hear footsteps and a male voice.

“Good morning honey.”

All was about to be revealed. Just then I heard heavy breathing behind and I turned to see two dogs, one black, the other a sandy colour looking me straight in the eye.

My cover was about to be blown, when I heard a female voice coming from further down the shoreline.

“Lucy, Ziggy, LUCY, ZIGGY. Where are you, you stupid dogs.”

I had to slide further under the bush to get away from them. I could still hear the voices but I couldn’t see a thing.

“Oh honey, my sinuses are killing me, can we get to the cure?”

“Sure $%#I(%*)”

Dammit, the dogs started barking and I missed it.

“Quite simple, really. Lake Tahoe has magically healing properties. All you have to do is walk out into the lake then hold your head under water for fifteen minutes.”

At least I’d turned my phone onto silent. It was a notification telling me my visa was about to expire.

I made a break to the Maatsuyker Island Embassy in Acapulco to renew my visa. By the time I got back to Lake Tahoe there was police everywhere surrounding a heavily decomposed body.

“Hey Pepper, you find anything on the body?”

“Nothing. Just a very crummy business card that the ink has all run on. Says he’s a writer on Premium, or maybe it’s Tedium.”

You have just passed another Deluded Custodians Monthly Writer’s Challenge. More details here. My apologies if this doesn’t help the above make any more sense.

Starring yours truly, with special guest appearances from Smillew Rahcuef, Patrick Eades, Carlo Zeno, Bicho and Ann James with an extra special performance by Grandma Smillew as Lucinda.

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