Don’t try these at home. Maybe on holidays, or if you no longer care about being a respectful member of polite society.

21 Ways to Triumphantly Greet Strangers

Make every moment count

Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time walking.

My baby son is not yet old enough for other outdoor activities like skateboarding, paddleboarding or weatherboarding, so walking has had to suffice.

To clarify, it’s me doing the walking. He mostly just lies or sits. With a bit of screaming and toy hurling thrown in.

As I live in a relatively enormous city — although firmly in the outskirts — there are a large number of other humans I see when walking. During my walks, I’ve noticed a horrible homogeneity to the way in which strangers greet each other.

Variety is the spice of life*. Here’s how you can spice up your greetings to reinvigorate your swim through the human tide of monotony and impending death.

1. The head nod

The classic. 10–15 degrees of downward forward flexion is normally enough to get the job done. Pro tip: to alpha someone, nod up instead of down.

2. Howyagoinmaate.

Also a classic. Slur all syllables together as fast as you can without sounding like a bogan meth-head.

3. The finger lift

While classically used when driving — with hands on the steering wheel — this greeting can be adapted to multiple walking situations. I.e., if you have a coffee cup. Or if you have your hand draped across your partner's shoulder. Caution: This greeting is not appropriate when adjusting your fly or if all your fingers apart from your middle one have been amputated.

4. The eyebrow raise

Subtlety is your friend. A quick flick up is all you need. Anything sustained longer than two seconds starts to get creepy. And make sure both your eyebrows are moving at once.

5. The lip pucker

When performed in an upwards direction, this is the ultimate alpha move. (Go on, try it now. In the mirror.)

Pro tip: combine this with number 4 if you want to look confusingly sexy.

6. Pretend you know the person

This is a fun way to cause confusion and embarrassment. For example, ‘Mate! Long time no see!’ Or, ‘Wazza! How ya goin you ugly prick? You rooted my sister yet?’

7. Comment on the weather

Classics such as, ‘Beautiful day, innit?’ or ‘Ah, bit cloudy aint it?’ are alright, but why not spice things up a bit?

In the middle of a particularly dry spell, I like to use, ‘Get your contraceptive devices ready, cos it’s about to be raining men.’

8. Comment on the stranger's appearance

‘Ah, you’re looking beautiful,’ or ‘What a cute little pudgemuffin,’ work well on babies. For older humans, I go with, ‘Do you live close to the cemetery? Cos you’re looking gravely ill.’

9. Ask the stranger a question

Everyone likes when people show interest in them. Some of my favourites include:

A) ‘How are you today?’ B) ‘Are you from the Northern Hemisphere?’ and C) ‘Wanna root?’

10. Present the stranger with your spare change

Doing this is a great way to cut out the middlemen. Old-school altruism at its finest. This is how things used to be before those annoying charity hustlers turned us all selfish and irritable.

To avoid causing offence, don’t combine this with 9C.

Now, keep in mind there are some strangers you don't want to greet. Here are 10 ways to avoid conversations with strangers who look a little too friendly.

1. Pretend to talk on your phone

Classic. I use this all the time to stay away from marketers, charity people and my mum.

2. Carry a bag of dogshit

Works best if you own a dog. If not, improvise.

3. Pretend you are talking to the President on your phone

Be all deferential and shit.

4. Swing a bag of dogshit around your little finger

Harder than you think.

5. Pretend you are talking to the President on your phone and the President has requested to speak to the stranger

Make sure they know it’s very important. Lots of gesticulations and jumping.

6. Swing an open, leaking bag of dogshit around your middle finger

Easier than you think.

7. Pretend you are talking to the President on your phone, and they have requested to speak to the stranger’s baby

Use your deferential, speaking-to-a-baby voice.

8. Tie the open, leaking bag of dogshit around your left earlobe

Or nose ring, if you have one.

9. Argue with the President on your phone about who will win Superbowl 2038

Make sure he knows Washington won’t be changing their name back to a racial slur, but they will still suck.

10. Attempt to hurriedly shove the open, leaking bag of dogshit down the back of your pants as the stranger approaches

Use the front if the back is already full.

11. Argue with the President about the trail of wanton destruction he is smearing across the world

Pucker your lips (upwards), tell the President he looks like a pudgy grave, and yell that you refuse to clean up any more faecal incontinence during his morning walks.

It’s about time the White House stocked nappies.

*Overdosing on variety and/or spice can result in being arrested for public nuisance, public disturbance or a mandatory mental health assessment. Use with moderation, please.

Apologies, that took a rather terrible turn towards number twos. I blame my baby.

For something less shit, but still about greeting’s, Srini’s got you covered:

On the other hand, if you like pooey stories: