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Abstract

ow would things sound if I stopped thinking?</li></ul><h2 id="9fa8">Somatic Field</h2><ul><li>Which part of my body is the least comfortable?</li><li>Which parts of my body are hardest to detect?</li><li>What happens when I concentrate on two body parts at once?</li><li>Do any bad emotions arise during the body scan?</li><li>How would my body change if I stopped thinking about it?</li></ul><h2 id="778a">Taste Field</h2><ul><li>Does the taste change as I roll it around my tongue?</li><li>How does the intensity compare with other things I have tasted?</li><li>How would it taste if I had never smelled it?</li><li>Does my feeling about the taste change between first contact and swallow?</li><li>How would it taste if I were asleep right now?</li></ul><h2 id="a87c">Olfactory Field</h2><ul><li>Would I recognize the smell if I had not seen it?</li><li>What adjectives are suitable? (Smooth? Bold? Sweet? Floral?)</li><li>How close must it come to me before my nose can detect it?</li><li>Does it improve my mood or worsen it?</li><li>What memories does it bring to mind?</li></ul><h2 id="5631">Cognitive Field</h2><ul><li>If my thoughts were rabbits in a yard, how crowded would the yard be?</li><li>If my attention was a dog, which rabbits would it chase?</li><li>How much of my focus three seconds ago was on the past?</li><li>How does a little circle make me feel?</li><li>What would I be dreaming now if I were not awake?</

Options

li></ul><h2 id="9690">Emotional Field</h2><ul><li>How easy or hard is it to turn each feeling on and off?</li><li>What changes will happen when I start to pray?</li><li>If I were the prow of a ship would my sea be bright under the sun?</li><li>Who have I shared this suffering with?</li><li>How deeply do I love you?</li></ul><figure id="ef74"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*31vXTbzWPAdDxN72iuu31w.jpeg"><figcaption>Photo by Author | Dancing with the Goddess</figcaption></figure><h2 id="1f17">Questions After the Scans are All Finished</h2><ul><li>Did I close my eyes for most of the scans?</li><li>In what ways are mental fields like maps?</li><li>If I were only allowed to keep one field, which one would I choose?</li></ul><h1 id="010c">Note</h1><p id="4022">To the best of my recollection, all the questions are in my own words. If I copied anybody from unconscious memory it was probably my first remote meditation teacher, <a href="https://www.thegreatcourses.com/professors/mark-w-muesse/">Mark Muesse</a>, a Therevada practitioner from Texas.</p><h1 id="d3c3">About the Author</h1><p id="f104">Tom spends his workdays asking people in a big store if they would like any information about heating and cooling. He often wears an Indiana Jones hat. A grapevine in his front yard convinced him to let her live and to even provide her with a little support. That’s all. :)</p></article></body>

The 2017 Mediuman Awards

[Nominations for the 2017 Medes were done back here. Don’t come crying to me if you didn’t win. Blame the algorithm.]

[Big Opening Number: Page Barnes, her mother, and her daughter start the show by karaoke singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story”. For a while it seems like they are going to bomb, but gradually every female in the auditorium joins in. Within minutes it is clear that the women at the awards are having fun belting out the lyrics that all of them, some unwittingly, know by heart. That fun comes to a crashing halt when an obviously inebriated Gutbloom takes the stage.]

“Welcome to the 2017 Mediuman awards. The Medes!”

[crickets]

I just flew in from Reno and… boy, are my arms tired.

[crickets]

I guess my timing was off. Everyone who believes in telekinesis raise my hand.

[two coughs and a small boo]

Is this thing on? [taps microphone]

[someone shouts, “oh, for fuck’s sake”. More boos]

Well, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal and don’t forget to tip the waitress.

[wild applause]

For the Medes, we can, through the miracle of fan fiction, get literally anyone to present the awards. We thought it would be good idea to get the great minds of Western Civilization to present this year. You may not know this, but Western Civilization is locked in a death struggle with… I’m not really sure what, I think it is anime, but don’t quote me on that… and needs to be defended. What better way to defend Western Civilization than to remember the guys who made it possible. So let’s give a big round of applause for this year’s presenters:

Aristotle
Cicero
St. Paul
Boethius
Epictetus
St. Augustine
Thomas Aquinas
Boccaccio
Geoffrey Chaucer
Martin Luther
Erasmus
Sir Francis Bacon (Shakespeare & Cervantes were already booked)
Thomas Hobbes
John Milton
Herman Melville

[collective gasp]

You never thought you would be looking forward to listening to John Milton, did you?

Now, we have those guys back stage. They are all playing craps and telling dick jokes in the green room, but we don’t have to use them. We could have some other representative of Western Civilization come out and read all the names by themselves in one quick “let’s get this fucking thing over with” presentation. That’s what you would prefer, right?

[Enthusiastic shouts of “yes”, “hell yes”, and “this has gone on too long already” erupt from the audience.]

OK, I will give you a choice. This is an interactive awards show. Here are the six options you may choose among:

Boring dead white guys above
Steve Bannon (apologist for boring dead white guys above)
Honey Boo-Boo (American cultural apotheosis)
UFC fighter Connor McGregor (popular gladiator)
Lt. William Calley (fall guy for Western Civilization)
The Goat

We will have a Spartan election. You just shout the name you want loudly and repeatedly. If your candidate isn’t carrying the day you will eventually change sides or run out of gas. When only one name is being shouted, that’s the winner. Ready, set, go.

[Crickets. Someone yells, “The goat, I guess”.]

That settles it. We’ll have the Goat, formerly called “The Swede”, come up and read the names, but first we have to have some kind of maudlin death session. Luckily, Sam Shepard just died. Scratch that. I didn’t mean to say it like that. Of course we are not happy that Sam Shepard died, we are just happy that we can use his death to further our own sordid purpose.

My understanding is that we have a video. Should we have the Swede deliver the posthumous Mede before or after the video? After? OK. Please direct your attention to the monitors. Among his many achievements, Sam Shepard was also supposedly the “coyote” of Joni Mitchell’s coyote. The dude lived a life.

[The Swede walks out onto the stage wearing his blue auto mechanic’s coveralls. He has a card in his hand.]

The Swede: The posthumous life time achievement award goes to: Sam Shepard.

[applause]

Gutbloom: Just keep reading, Sven. Let’s get this thing over with.

[applause]

The Mede For:

Most Likely to Eat Deep Fried French Toast

Goes to Justin Cox 🍩 for:

I was gonna’ get skinny for the summer.

But tomorrow though, I’mma get fit.

medium.com

[applause]

The Mede For: Best Alien Drinks

Goes to Indira Reddy for:

Worth Every Single Grek!

The spaceship transitions from hyperspace and comes to a rest near Saturn. Images of the planet are broadcast on all…

theweeklyknob.com

[applause]

The Mede For: Best in Jacking Off to Own Medium Stats

Goes to Ellie Guzman.

[applause]

The Mede For:

Most Successful Kidnapping and Storage of Chinese Gutbloom

Goes to H. Nemesis Nyx for:

Dearest Gutbloom,

You are adorable.

medium.com

[applause]

Least Likely to Nominate Self for a Mede

Goes to zneromp for:

I wanted to nominate myself for “Least Likely to Nominate Self for a Mede” for, well, for this post…

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[applause]

If I forgot anyone, I apologize. Let me know if the comments and then I will blame it on my clerk, Claire, and the art department.

If you choose to make an acceptance speech, feel free. Please describe what you wore to the awards. If you accepted your award naked, you’ve already won a 2018 Mede.

Now we are all invited to the parsonage of St. Michael’s Church for a post-awards “reception”. Don’t worry. The Episcopal priest who lives there will hand you a glass of sherry when you first walk it. Just thank her politely and nod. Drink the sherry and wait. After a while she will bring out the wine and then the martini “cart”. Just be patient. Eat the tea sandwiches if you want. Before long, we’ll have that joint rocking.

Thank you and good night.