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Abstract

d then YOU WIN THE AWARD. In the comments below, just put the following:</p><p id="fe3c">I nominate myself for the “Best Interview With a Pig” award.</p><p id="ba29">Then put a link to the article:</p><div id="17df" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/interview-with-a-pig-6440d543174c"> <div> <div> <h2>Interview With a Pig</h2> <div><h3>What is a community without interaction? In the go-go days of LiveJournal you could create an easy poll. I used to post…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*k33WwmjC2kv769alLbvjlg.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="2e44">You are immediately short-listed and can put one of these images wherever you want.</p><figure id="c6ba"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*MwF0DWLMqU61tN_MDKrT3w.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><figure id="3ee1"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*kx9b8T2DIs0E6OMEuYY9Wg.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><h2 id="6a3d">Welcome to the Short List!</h2><p id="5f61">Now, fellow Mediuman, all you have to worry about is writing your acceptance speech. The male editorial staff of the Athenaeum will “verify” your win, and it will be announced in the Aug. 1 post.</p><h2 id="5f4c">The Haven Already Won a Mede!</h2><p id="6680">I’m not sure for what, maybe “Best Publication”? If you look at the comments on <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-vanity-publication-killing-my-stats-d46c1b787bec">this</a> thread you can see that <a href="undefined">Page Barnes</a> goes through the formal process of nominating The Haven.</p><p id="4168">Here is the FAQ on the Medes. It’s amazing that we have a FAQ when none of these questions could have even been asked <i>once</i> yet. Isn’t the Internet wonderful?</p><h2 id="490c">Can Multiple People/Publications Win for the Same Category?</h2><p id="84fa">Of course! There is more than one “Best Grilled Cheese” in the world, isn’t there? I say, “This is the best pizza” all the time.</p><h2 id="0636">Should We Use “Best” or “In”?</h2><p id="cd18">Either. You can nominate yourself for “Best Menstrual Cramp Post”, “Best Post on Menstrual Cramps” or, if you’d rather, you can win the “Mediuman Award in Menstrual Cramp Reporting”.</p><h2 id="941b">Can I Link to a Piece Not on Medium In My Nomination?</h2><p id="6827">Of course. You think I give a fuck about Medium? You can win a Mede even if you don’t have a Medium account! The whole linking to stories is just a way to try to <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-do-we-leverage-the-backlist-b2f19b31951a">leverage the backlist</a>, since stories on Medium have a shelf life shorter than clams.</p><h2 id="6a8f">What if Mike Cernovich or Caitlin Johnstone Gives Themselves a Mede for Shitposting?</h2><p id="7e9f">Yikes! Let me think about this… I guess they get the Mede. You know, if you want democracy, the Islamic Brotherhood might get elected, and if you want creative egalitarianism, you might end up with Pepe the Frog as your logo.</p><h2 id="3d7d">What if Sean Hannity Gives Himself a Mede for “Best Human Being”</h2><p id="30a1">We give him the Mede and then hiss him out of the opera house.</p><h2

Options

id="aba5">What if Donald Trump Gives Himself a Mede for “Best Words”?</h2><p id="03b6">What if the fucking dog explodes? Donald Trump is not going to come to this blog and give himself a Mede. If he does, I’ll eat my hat.</p><h2 id="e9cb">Do We Get Anything for Winning a Mede?</h2><p id="2461">Yes. You get 500 Mildew Bucks… I mean BitMildews… from the blockchain. Don’t worry, we’ll credit your account. Redeemable at the canteen or arcade here at the Mill. We use triple-entry accounting to insure privacy. Our exchange rates are very fair, just ask our Nigerian and Panamanian bankers. All other inquiries about payments should be directed to <a href="undefined">Augustkhalilibrahim</a> at our <a href="https://readmedium.com/a-a-couple-of-notes-for-the-european-office-686afa88bff9">European Office</a>.</p><h2 id="86ab">What About a Statue?</h2><p id="d5aa">Sure, you can photoshop yourself holding this, like I did.</p><figure id="2bb3"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*XhxJVmPDX3xsO0yQk0BU9A.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="6906">Winning also entitles you to buying the statue to put in your house. You can buy one <a href="http://www.bibleandscience.com/store/catalog/product_info.php?cPath=34&products_id=240&osCsid=5c265b33a0c4a16c01105a535e2b254f">here</a> and then write “2017 Mede” on a piece of masking tape and stick it to the front.</p><h2 id="d6dd">Why That Statue?</h2><p id="0380">Well, I thought “Medes” sounded like the old name for “Persians”, but I didn’t want to use a Persian statue that could be confused with a piece of Islamic Art, for fear that people would think I was mocking Iranians. That guy up there is a Sumerian, I think, and the Sumerians were the genesis of Western Civilization. As a member of Western Civilization I think I can mock them and play it off as self-deprecating. How the land where the Sumerians lived became part of “Not Western Civilization” is a mystery to me. You would have to ask Steve Bannon about that.</p><h2 id="4b25">Why the Silver Pinecone?</h2><p id="8b45">Because “Golden Palm” was taken.</p><h2 id="21b8">What Should I Wear to the Ceremony?</h2><p id="6d7e">Since this is a virtual ceremony, don’t feel constrained by reality. If I had my druthers, all of the women would wear wetsuits, swim fins, and football helmets… did I just say that out loud?</p><p id="a85a">I’m either going to wear a stillsuit or a Federation communication officer’s shirt with a pair of diapers and cossack boots. I’m not sure yet.</p><h2 id="1268">What Is Going to Be in the Goody Bag?</h2><p id="bdaf">I don’t know. Why don’t you look in the goodie bag and tell everybody what you found? How can you still have questions?</p><h2 id="fd61">I Don’t Understand, What Is This All About?</h2><p id="1aff">What is what about? I can’t make things any clearer.</p><h2 id="9829">TL/DR: Explain To Me What Is Happening?</h2><p id="3838">I’m sorry, I missed your question. I was playing a port of Asteroids. What did you ask?</p><h2 id="33d9">Where Did You Find Asteroids?</h2><p id="c6c5">Now I know you are trolling. Asteroids is the easiest game to find on the Internet after Klondike.</p><h2 id="f48a">What Is Klondike?</h2><p id="6fb5">Get the fuck off my lawn.</p><figure id="3e2c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*AU22B9e6h9NYEBmztWgLjg.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure></article></body>

Announcing the 2017 Medes

Don’t Worry, YOU’VE ALREADY WON!

You know how a lot of people complain about every kid getting a “participation trophy”? I’m not one of them. Well, maybe I am, but as someone who never wins awards, I’m not that sympathetic to complaints that something monkeyed up your intended celebration of superiority.

Really, awards are fine in competitive situations. If you win at Wimbledon, you should get a big piece of silver to lift. If you are leading in the Tour de France, then you should get to wear the yellow jersey.

But many parts of life are not competitive. Education is not competitive, child-rearing is not competitive, and care of your aging parents is not competitive. Which is good, because if taking care of your father were the Tour de France, I would have crashed and given up on the first mountain stage.

I would argue that there are a host of other things, like cooking, eating, dancing, and singing among friends, that should not be competitive. Sure, there is humor and fascination when we add an element of competition to the execution of everyday activities… who doesn’t like to see the bonging team from John’s Hopkins show up in their matching dashikis?… but just because something can be turned into a contest doesn’t mean that it should be turned into a contest. You know, you can make a monkey ride a pig and then have the pig run a race. There are very few people who wouldn’t watch that, especially me, but we can be certain of one thing; it’s neither good for the monkey, nor for the pig.

To the list of things that “should not be competitive” I would like to add “blogging.”

Medium has started to suck. Officially, it’s a shadow of its former self, but, even so, I’m having fun here. There are lots of things to like about Medium. To me the best part of this place is that other people read, recommend, and leave supportive comments about my writing. I LIVE FOR THAT. A little while ago Randy.Peelen left a “sympatico” comment on one of my posts that was great. It made my day. Right now, I can’t get that anywhere else.

The essence of what makes Medium a good place is that it is, or can be, cooperative rather than competitive. We, the members of the creative underclass, all are trying to improve what we do, and we can help one another by encouraging each other’s practice.

But Just Because We Don’t Compete Doesn’t Mean We Shouldn’t Get Awards, Does It?

No, of course not! We all love awards. So we are going to have a virtual Award Show on August 1st. I will write a post announcing the winners, and then you give your acceptance speech in the comments or write your acceptance speech as your own post and plug it in the comments. Just make sure to make one of your tags “2017 Medes”.

How Do I Get Nominated for An Award?

You nominate yourself! As a member of the Mediuman Academy (remember, we can’t say “Medium” awards or Ev will sick his army of blood-thirsty California lawyers on us) you can nominate ONLY YOURSELF for an award. It’s immediately seconded and then YOU WIN THE AWARD. In the comments below, just put the following:

I nominate myself for the “Best Interview With a Pig” award.

Then put a link to the article:

Interview With a Pig

What is a community without interaction? In the go-go days of LiveJournal you could create an easy poll. I used to post…

medium.com

You are immediately short-listed and can put one of these images wherever you want.

Welcome to the Short List!

Now, fellow Mediuman, all you have to worry about is writing your acceptance speech. The male editorial staff of the Athenaeum will “verify” your win, and it will be announced in the Aug. 1 post.

The Haven Already Won a Mede!

I’m not sure for what, maybe “Best Publication”? If you look at the comments on this thread you can see that Page Barnes goes through the formal process of nominating The Haven.

Here is the FAQ on the Medes. It’s amazing that we have a FAQ when none of these questions could have even been asked once yet. Isn’t the Internet wonderful?

Can Multiple People/Publications Win for the Same Category?

Of course! There is more than one “Best Grilled Cheese” in the world, isn’t there? I say, “This is the best pizza” all the time.

Should We Use “Best” or “In”?

Either. You can nominate yourself for “Best Menstrual Cramp Post”, “Best Post on Menstrual Cramps” or, if you’d rather, you can win the “Mediuman Award in Menstrual Cramp Reporting”.

Can I Link to a Piece Not on Medium In My Nomination?

Of course. You think I give a fuck about Medium? You can win a Mede even if you don’t have a Medium account! The whole linking to stories is just a way to try to leverage the backlist, since stories on Medium have a shelf life shorter than clams.

What if Mike Cernovich or Caitlin Johnstone Gives Themselves a Mede for Shitposting?

Yikes! Let me think about this… I guess they get the Mede. You know, if you want democracy, the Islamic Brotherhood might get elected, and if you want creative egalitarianism, you might end up with Pepe the Frog as your logo.

What if Sean Hannity Gives Himself a Mede for “Best Human Being”

We give him the Mede and then hiss him out of the opera house.

What if Donald Trump Gives Himself a Mede for “Best Words”?

What if the fucking dog explodes? Donald Trump is not going to come to this blog and give himself a Mede. If he does, I’ll eat my hat.

Do We Get Anything for Winning a Mede?

Yes. You get 500 Mildew Bucks… I mean BitMildews… from the blockchain. Don’t worry, we’ll credit your account. Redeemable at the canteen or arcade here at the Mill. We use triple-entry accounting to insure privacy. Our exchange rates are very fair, just ask our Nigerian and Panamanian bankers. All other inquiries about payments should be directed to Augustkhalilibrahim at our European Office.

What About a Statue?

Sure, you can photoshop yourself holding this, like I did.

Winning also entitles you to buying the statue to put in your house. You can buy one here and then write “2017 Mede” on a piece of masking tape and stick it to the front.

Why That Statue?

Well, I thought “Medes” sounded like the old name for “Persians”, but I didn’t want to use a Persian statue that could be confused with a piece of Islamic Art, for fear that people would think I was mocking Iranians. That guy up there is a Sumerian, I think, and the Sumerians were the genesis of Western Civilization. As a member of Western Civilization I think I can mock them and play it off as self-deprecating. How the land where the Sumerians lived became part of “Not Western Civilization” is a mystery to me. You would have to ask Steve Bannon about that.

Why the Silver Pinecone?

Because “Golden Palm” was taken.

What Should I Wear to the Ceremony?

Since this is a virtual ceremony, don’t feel constrained by reality. If I had my druthers, all of the women would wear wetsuits, swim fins, and football helmets… did I just say that out loud?

I’m either going to wear a stillsuit or a Federation communication officer’s shirt with a pair of diapers and cossack boots. I’m not sure yet.

What Is Going to Be in the Goody Bag?

I don’t know. Why don’t you look in the goodie bag and tell everybody what you found? How can you still have questions?

I Don’t Understand, What Is This All About?

What is what about? I can’t make things any clearer.

TL/DR: Explain To Me What Is Happening?

I’m sorry, I missed your question. I was playing a port of Asteroids. What did you ask?

Where Did You Find Asteroids?

Now I know you are trolling. Asteroids is the easiest game to find on the Internet after Klondike.

What Is Klondike?

Get the fuck off my lawn.