My Interview With Steve Bannon

Fan Fiction The Way We Like It

[Editor’s Note: I’m fascinated by Steve Bannon and how he came to be so powerful. Instead of trying to assuage my curiosity by researching him like a normal person, I invited him to the Mill for an interview. This way I can make up the answers myself! Guess what? He said, “yes”! Even though I know next to nothing about Steve Bannon, I’m pretty sure I hate him. I have a plan. When he steps into the fan fiction I’m going to challenge him to a bull fight, and make him be the bull. That is, if I can still fit into my suit of lights. It has been a while.]

Gutbloom: Thanks very much for coming in today. I am so very glad you could make it. [laughs to himself]

Steve Bannon: My pleasure. I don’t do media for the most part, but you’re not media, are you?

Gutbloom: No, not at all. In the ocean of the creative underclass you are in the media equivalent of the Marianas Trench. Even the losers at Breitbar… er… I mean LifeZette make fun of me.

Steve Bannon: What is LifeZette?

Gutbloom: Oh my goodness. I just got an erection. You don’t know what LifeZette is?

Steve Bannon: Of course I do. It’s Laura Ingraham’s loser website.

Gutbloom: Man, I love that you called it a loser website.

Steve Bannon: You made me say that. Just like you made me pretend I didn’t know what it was.

Gutbloom: I know, isn’t fan fiction great? I do like to start with something positive. Let me see… well, you don’t smell of brimstone like I thought you would. You smell more like one of my uncles.

Steve Bannon: That’s not a positive. I’d rather smell like brimstone.

Gutbloom: OK, fair enough. How about this? When I went to do my “research,” I did what I always do to prepare for a guest. I read your Wikipedia entry. In cases like yours, where it’s clear that you have lots of minions who will police your Wikipedia article…

Steve Bannon: I don’t have minions.

Gutbloom: Slaves?

Steve Bannon: “Assistants”

Gutbloom: OK, so figuring that your assistants are rabid in their protection of your online footprint and that your Wikipedia entry is likely to be more contested than the ones for “Scientology”, “Kashmir”, and “Balrogs”, I checked to see if you had written an autobiography. I had no intention of reading your autobiography, but I’ve discovered that I can find out a lot about a person by reading the reviews of their autobiography on Amazon. Which, by the way, is how I found out that Abraham Lincoln, whom I’ve had here for fan fiction, called his son Thomas, “Tad” or “Tadpole” because the boy was macrocephalic. Anyway, when I went to read the blurbs on your autobiography, I discovered that you don’t have one. Is that true? You haven’t written an autobiography?

Steve Bannon: No, I haven’t.

Gutbloom: Let me get this straight. You work in the White House and you haven’t taken the six figure advance for your autobiography yet?

Steve Bannon: No

Gutbloom: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Steve Bannon: I don’t need the money.

Gutbloom: Random House, Simon & Schuster, and HarperCollins would hand you a truck full of cash in exchange for you lying into your iphone and sending the audio files to a ghost writer and you’re not going to pick up on that shit?

Steve Bannon: I invested in Seinfeld.

Gutbloom: But then you bankrolled all those shitty movies.

Steve Bannon: The Indian Runner is not a shitty movie.

Gutbloom: I was talking about all the crazy, right-wing, conspiracy movies. I had never heard of the Indian Runner, but I have to say, you earned some grudging respect when I realized that you have worked closely with both Sean Penn and Donald Trump.

Steve Bannon: Can we start the interview now? There are a lot of executive orders I have to sign.

Gutbloom: I think I’m going to skip right to the fantasy part and have you do that weird Navy thing where you bite me in the ass while I walk the gauntlet. What’s it called, “sharkbite” or something?

Steve Bannon: That’s a Naval pilot thing. I wasn’t a pilot.

Gutbloom: OK, how about we pretend that the office just crossed the equator and now you’re going to have to crawl through the dumpster in back of the Chipolte across the street?

Steve Bannon: There wasn’t a Chipolte across the street when I came in.

Gutbloom: There is now.

Steve Bannon: How about I label you a Muslim and send you back to Somalia?

Gutbloom: The nice part of Somalia or the ghetto?

Steve Bannon: There are no nice parts of Somalia.

Gutbloom: Bullshit. They have beaches. Are we sitting on a beach? No, we are not. Besides, nobody, not even the fantasy fiction gods, will believe that I am a Muslim.

Steve Bannon: Why not?

Gutbloom: I drink more than you do.

Steve Bannon: Not possible.

Gutbloom: I drink more than you do when you’re not on coke.

Steve Bannon: That might be possible.

Gutbloom: Speaking of drinking. This is what I don’t get. You are rich, you are powerful, and you can do whatever you want, yet you choose to talk to Breitbart people every day. Why would you do that? I watched a video of Daily Caller staff chipping golf balls through the pelvis of a skeleton and I thought, “I went to boarding school. I couldn’t get away from that kind of asshole fast enough.” How do you stomach that shit?

Steve Bannon: I didn’t go to boarding school.

Gutbloom: But you wanted to?

Steve Bannon: Yes, kind of. Trump did. Trump went to boarding school.

Gutbloom: No he didn’t. He went to New York Military Academy. That’s not a boarding school.

Steve Bannon: Yes it is. How are you such an expert? Where did you go to school?

Gutbloom: I went to South Kent. We wrestled against NYMA.

Steve Bannon: South Kent is a shitty boarding school.

Gutbloom: It wasn’t when I went there.

Steve Bannon: It’s better now than when you went there, and it still sucks.

Gutbloom: I thought this was my fan fiction.

Steve Bannon: It was your fan fiction. Now it’s my Alt-Fan Fiction. [laughs a big hearty laugh] How about you crawl through that garbage while I bite your ass, pollywog.

Gutbloom: Fuck, this always happens.

Steve Bannon: You liberals are all so weak and stupid. Will you never learn?

Others in this Series:

Fan Fiction the Way We Like It: Ice Cube, Eeyore, and Serena Williams Fan Fiction the Way We Like It: Kenneth Clark and Darth Revan Fan Fiction the Way We Like It: Abe Lincoln, Bob Dylan, and Gandalf

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Interview With a Cuttlefish Interview With a Pig An Interview With Procrustes An Interview With the Minotaur