Fan Fiction The Way We Like It: Ice Cube, Eeyore, and Serena Williams

About a year ago I lamented that if Medium wanted to be a proper blogging platform it needed more bad poetry. I’m happy to report that that’s no longer a problem.

Kidding! I’m kidding. I love all the poetry. No, really, I do. It was a cheap joke. The abundance of poetry is a good sign. It demonstrates that Medium is not just about commerce. In the world of “content,” poetry is like a negative number.

Poetry, however unhelpful, isn’t toxic to commerce. You know what is toxic to commerce? Fan fiction. Fan fiction is the most counter-cultural kind of writing there is. For those of you new to the tubes… and I wouldn’t say this but feel I must because my use of the word “noobs” messed people up… fan fiction is where you take a bunch of existing characters and make them have sex. Wait, that’s slash fiction. Fan fiction is where you have them do things you want them to do. For example, and I’m not saying that I’ve done this, if you wrote a post where you had Dido from the Aeneid club Aeneas to death with a baseball bat, that would be fan fiction.

Fan fiction is counter-cultural because you can’t make money from it. What does anybody do nowadays where there is no hope of becoming rich and famous? OK, OTHER THAN WRITING POETRY.

For Medium to be a real internet space we need more fan fiction. I’m doing my part:

There’s enough copyright infringement in those two posts to generate six lawsuits.

Third time is a charm. I’m pretty sure this is the spark that is going to light the Medium fan fiction powder keg. I thought I would invite Ice Cube, Eeyore, and Serena Williams to talk with us. You can stop now if you don’t want to vomit.

Gutbloom: Thank you all for coming in today. Would you like something to drink? I can have my flunky, Fat Joe, go get ice and we can drink lemonade or iced tea.

Serena Williams: I can’t be here. I’m very busy right now.

Gutbloom: Don’t worry, in addition to getting ice I can have Fat Joe dial back the Mikowski Space o-Meter so that you don’t miss your match.

Serena Williams: (seems to visibly relax) OK, then I’ll have an Arnold Palmer.

Ice Cube: Why am I here and how much am I getting paid for this appearance?

Gutbloom: Well, I watched Straight Outta Compton recently and then I read all of the NWA articles on Wikipedia and I downloaded Dr. Dre’s The Chronic and…

Ice Cube: Let me stop you right there. How much am I getting paid?

Gutbloom: There is a small honorarium.

Ice Cube: What is the honorarium?

Gutbloom: The iced tea and lemonade.

Ice Cube: I’m leaving.

Gutbloom: Please stay. I thought you should have gotten the best actor Oscar for Straight Outta Compton.

Ice Cube: I wasn’t in Straight Outta Compton

Gutbloom: Yes you were, the whole movie was about you.

Ice Cube: What you are saying is that my son, O’Shea Jackson, Jr., should have gotten the Oscar for best supporting actor. He was the actor who portrayed me in the movie.

Gutbloom: Why didn’t you just play yourself?

Ice Cube: Because I’m not 17 anymore.

Gutbloom: You could have just used CGI, like the dragons in Game of Thrones.

Ice Cube: They don’t give best-acting awards to CGI characters.

Gutbloom: I feel like this fan fiction has gotten off to a bad start. The idea was to have you interact with each other. Ice Cube, you seem to know a lot about Hollywood and entertainment. Would you like to ask our other guests any questions?

Ice Cube: Gutbloom, did you watch Jesse Williams’ speech? When he said “sit down” he was talking directly to you, but here’s the problem. As much as I want you to sit down, I don’t want to have to start doing your job, so as long as you have me trapped in your fan-fiction Hell, you keep asking the questions, alright?

Gutbloom: Ice Cube, do you know Eeyore?

Ice Cube: Of course. How are you, Eeyore? Disney is going to sue the shit out of Gutbloom, isn’t it? I can’t wait.

Eeyore: It’s going to be fun to watch.

Gutbloom: That seems very upbeat for you Eeyore.

Eeyore: I added a crumb of Abilify to my Wellbutrin/Zoloft routine and it has made all the difference in the world.

Gutbloom: Ice Cube, I assume you know Serena Williams.

Ice Cube: Why, because we’re both black celebrities?

Gutbloom: Well, you’re both from Compton.

Ice Cube: I’m not from Compton. I thought you said you read the Wikipedia articles?

Gutbloom: I don’t read too good.

Serena Williams: Why do I get the sinking feeling that I’ve been made to sit here so that I can get bumped? You’re going to run out of time, aren’t you? I’m not going to get to talk, but you can say that you filled out your panel with a woman of color. Why don’t you ask me about the Jesse Williams speech or Beyonce’s Lemonade?

Gutbloom: Because I’m much more excited by the fact that you will probably get to touch Kate Middleton when you accept the Wimbledon trophy. Maybe your eyes will lock, and then when she shakes your hand…

Eeyore: NO SLASH FICTION. Medium isn’t ready for it. Neither are we.

Gutbloom: You’re right. Well, this has been fun. Thank you all for coming and tell your lawyers to “eat shit and die” for me, will you?

Ice Cube: Serena, can I borrow your tennis racquet?

Gutbloom: That’s a wrap!