If You Want to Have a Party, You Need to Invite the Poets

In my ongoing effort to turn Medium into the LiveJournal of 2003, the Golden Age of that platform before the world’s biggest sellout delivered us into the gaping maw of Six Apart and the proto-Ellen Pao, Mena Trott; before beauty turned to mud and one of the Internet’s best sites was hacked apart and burned to the ground on the altar of Mammon… wait, what was I saying? I apologize. I guess I’ve spent too much time on Reddit lately, but I just hate it when free sites don’t give me what I want!*

During the Golden Age of LiveJournal there was a lot of bad poetry. Bad poetry is often better than good poetry. Good poetry makes you think and feel. Bad poetry makes you laugh, and hopefully stops you from thinking and feeling. For what is feeling but regret and ruminations on why your son thinks you’re an asshole? And what is thinking, other than regret and more regret? Forget thinking and feeling.

The good news is that bad poetry abounds. Good poets are a higher order of being. They are magical and rarified people touched by the gods, our modern shamans, and, therefore, in short supply. Bad poets are just like you and me. In fact, you and I are already bad poets!

I’ve found one bad poet on Medium so far. Sain Val is well practiced in the art. You should read her poem My Selfish Chinese Husband.

If you want to start a deluge of bad poetry, you start with limericks. To get the ball rolling I’ve included a selection of limericks from Gutbloom’s Canonical** List of Limericks, some of which were taken from Gwenzilla back in the first age.

List of Limericks

A swimmer whose clothing got strewed by breezes that left her quite nude saw a man come along, and unless we are wrong, you expected this line to be lewd.

There was a young maid from Madras. Who had the most wonderful ass. Not big, round, and pink As you probably think But gray, with long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young man of Japan Whose limericks never would scan. When asked why this was, He replied “It’s because I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as ever I possibly can.”

There once was a [person or place]. Whose [body part] was [special case]. When [event] would occur, It would cause [him or her] To violate [law of time/space].

A preoccupied vegan named Hugh picked up the wrong sandwich to chew. He took a big bite before spitting, in fright, “OMG, WTF, BBQ!”

A site with the moniker Medium Delivered a stream full of tedium Said one engineer “It’s all too sincere, And not really worth the selenium.”

• LiveJournal, FWIW, was a subscription service.
• ** The Gutbloom Canon is not like the old Usenet canonical lists, which were meant to be complete, making them, sometimes, completely useless. In this case Canon means “the ones I like best”.