How to be the perfect married woman — by the perfect married man
Blissful? Married? Here’s how, part III.
To be married is to know bliss. The lovers, the dreamers, the poets and the arranged marrieds know this to be true.
I’m not saying it doesn’t take a little work, mind you. Fortunately, help is here. Behold: 10 new ways to keep from blowing it in your marriage. The Perfect Married Man is here to educate and enlighten. You can thank me later. Or now. Now is fine.
Let us open our hymnals to Perfection, Chapter three; verse one:
The art of marital conversation, step 1: Stop talking after you’ve asked your question.
The Perfect Married Man has been trained. Yes, it is possible. Case in point: The art of marital conversation.
The Perfect Married Man has been trained to not respond to questions asked. Here’s how: A question is issued. The PMM waits. He seeks. Why? Because he (wise from experience) anticipates that more speaking will come from the Perfect Married Woman in Training’s mouth before he should answer the question(s) put to him.
And it does. Usually, right at the moment when he foolishly deigns to begin responding to the PMWIT’s question(s). And so, the two blissful marrieds commence to talking over each other. Until such time as the entire conversational campaign must be initiated again.
The PMM dies a little every time this happens.
The art of marital conversation, step 2: “I’m not needed for this conversation.”
Since the PMWIT often initiates conversations with questions … and then proceeds to answer her own questions during what initially appeared to be a dialogue, the only conclusion the PMM can arrive at is “I’m not needed for this conversation.”
Problem solved? The PMM didn’t even have to proffer an opinion? No need to contemplate a response? That’s a win/win. The PMM is only too happy to not step in word manure. He shuts up.
Congratulations. You have now doubly trained the PMM to remain silent at the onset of marital conversation. The PMM is happy to oblige. Silence becomes an achievement. He wonders when he will get his patch to put on his marital sash.
The art of marital conversation, step 3: Don’t start from the middle of the conversation.
The PMM has no idea what you are talking about. Always start from there. He does not live inside your head in stark contrast to how you loudly reside inside his gray matter.
Given this truism, proven and re-proven through many a marital epoch, provide a smidge of context, pretty please. The PMM was previously thinking about one of two things: something else or nothing at all. Not your thing.
Just f*cking order something
Nobody cares what you order from the restaurant menu. You can order brilliantly; you can order poorly. It won’t change your life either way. The interrogation you are about to administer to the poor wait staff about their favorite items on the menu is unnecessary torment. Particularly since you aren’t going to take their commanded, disingenuous advice anyway.
The Perfect Married Man understands that this is a stalling technique. As does everyone. They also understand you are stalling when you encourage the other potential, hopeful diners to order first. Too soon, the tender gaze of the wait staff will again be upon you sooner that you imagine. Time to pull the trigger, honey buckets. The rest of us are starting to get light-headed.
Understand: “That’s not what I asked and I don’t care.”
Woe to any married man that initiates a conversation with a PMWIT with a question. If this happens, there is a script to be followed. And it’s not good. Example:
The Perfect Married Man arrived home after a gym workout. He became foolishly curious.
PMM: “Where is the daughter unit?”
PMWIT: “I literally just sat down.”
The PMM, wise through experience, has this response: “That’s not what I asked and I don’t care.”*
PMWIT’s complete non sequitur aside, the PMM really does not care that you are resting. In fact, he congratulates your resting state. Indeed, once all burning embers have been extinguished, PMWIT is welcome to rest any time. Given the lack of smoke odor, the Perfect Married Man was not accusing the PMWIT of dereliction of duty.
He just wanted to know what the daughter unit was up to.
That actress
PMWIT: (Actress appears on-screen while the PMM and the PMWIT are watching television together) Is that what’s-her-name?
PMM: Yes. Yes, it is.
Beware: “While you’re up could you … ”
The PMM sometimes transitions from a resting state to a state of motion. This is dangerous. Because it often invites “while you’re up, could you … ”.
There may not be five more explosively combustible words on the marital planet. Sometimes, the utterance of this powder keg of words are completely harmless. Other times, the PMM (or PMWIT) will be lucky to escape with loudly harrumphed, heavy sighs, muttering — or worse. The marital Molotov Cocktail can get lit in an instant right on the heels of this cue.
Light the fuse at your own risk.
The Perfect Married Man did not invent the calendar. Or the clock.
Thus, therefore, ergo he is not responsible for the tyranny these heinous creations inflict on the PMWIT’s life. Proceed accordingly.
Do not ask the Perfect Married Man if he is mad at you
He is. He wasn’t, but he is now. Because you asked. In the history of human conversation, there is no more unnecessary question than, “Are you mad at me?”
Life can be vexing. Frustrating. Enraging. Most of the time, it is not the PMWIT’s fault. The PMM may be given to piques of annoyance for any number of reasons: football, technology, football, humans at work, football, online trolls, football trolls … the list is endless.
Simply playing the odds alone, it is highly unlikely the PMWIT is the source of the PMM’s occasional vexation, despite our close proximity. We are joined by choice; choice born by retrievable memories of having enjoyed each other’s company on multiple occasions. Let’s root ourselves in that.
Which means don’t ask the PMM if he is mad at you. Two reasons: If he is, you’ll know. There is no hiding the PMM’s ire. He ain’t that clever. Second, if you ask this most useless, pointless, obvious question, you will immediately rise to the top of the list of things currently bothering the PMM.
The PMM wishes for you to know that the painfully obvious is so obvious it never need be discussed. The marital policy: Don’t ask. You can already tell.
Are you allergic to money?
The Perfect Married Man wants to understand you. Specifically, he wants to understand why in God’s name you buy Curious George DVDs for the daughter unit when Curious George cartoons are freely available on the internet and satellite TV / recording apparatuses that we have in use 24/7/365. Many a mere mortal has perfected the magic art of searching for “Curious George” and popping the record button from the remote control.
The Perfect Married Man would further like to know who still buys DVDs anyway?
© Julian Rogers
* Only in his head. The PMM is not a moron.