SELF-IMPROVEMENT

That’s a Hard Pass, Thanks

Day 5, 50 questions for deep self-reflection

This is day 5 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.

DAY FIVE: How can you handle conflict in such a way that it yields intimacy and helps relationships grow?

Oh no. Conflict. No, I don’t do conflict. Excuse me while I ball up in the corner and cover myself with my protective shield of nope. Whatever you want, have it, because that’s so much easier than conflict.

Okay, so, clearly, for me, this question is too big for one sitting. All I can deal with right now is, “How can I deal with conflict?” because the C-word alone makes me cringe.

I can tell you how I’ve dealt with conflict in the past — not well. That sums it up. My fight, flight, freeze valve is always set to fight. And yet, I hate conflict. So how did that play out? I negotiated. I bargained. I gave up my own boundaries. I did everything I possibly could to avoid the conflict, no matter how uncomfortable, painful, and inauthentic it felt to me. But when I’d given everything away, and I had nothing left to give, nothing to negotiate with, no boundaries left, when I WAS CORNERED…

Fight mode initiated!

Now, I’d already broken down emotionally, so my fight mode was an explosion of pent-up childhood trauma and the result was usually the complete annihilation of any relationship and the cutting off of all interactions. Not highly conducive to yielding intimacy and growing relationships.

But hey, you can’t change programming and strategies until you recognize them and own them. For me, changing this starts with boundaries. I’ve shared this article I wrote on boundaries before, but no surprise that same lesson is still coming up for me, so here it is again:

And it WILL keep coming up until I prove to the universe that yeah, I got it. I’m good.

I’m getting there. But I’m not there yet and that’s okay. So, for today’s question, I can’t answer it simply because I am still learning within myself how to see conflict as something positive, something to be used as a tool of nurturing. I’m still learning to believe that conflict doesn’t mean I did something wrong. That I am wrong. That I am… unworthy.

Please note, YES, I AM in therapy! Haha.

All aboard the trauma train for this one!

If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:

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