avatarPhilip Ogley

Summary

The article humorously suggests various techniques to engage readers and distract from subpar writing on Medium, including incorporating puzzles, games, and interactive elements.

Abstract

The Medium article titled "Techniques To Cover Up The Fact That Your Writing Is Shit!" offers a satirical take on enhancing reader engagement on the platform. It acknowledges that engaging content is key to retaining reader attention and increasing earnings, but when writing quality is lacking, alternative methods may be employed. The author proposes a range of distractive strategies such as including Magic Eye images, mazes, crosswords, and promises of rewards to captivate readers. These tactics are presented as a means to compensate for uninteresting content, such as dull poems, self-help guides, and recipes. The piece playfully encourages writers to adopt these unconventional methods to artificially inflate the appeal of their work.

Opinions

  • The author implies that some Medium writers may produce low-quality content and suggests that they should consider quitting if they cannot improve.
  • Distraction is seen as a viable method to keep readers engaged with poorly written pieces, akin to a politician starting a war to divert attention from their own shortcomings.
  • The use of 90s fads like Magic Eye images and mazes is humorously recommended to consume readers' time, potentially making the reading experience more memorable than the content itself.
  • The article mocks the idea of inserting a Medium crossword as a way to interact with the reader and reinforce the content, albeit in a trivial manner.
  • Religious imagery is sarcastically proposed to extend reading time under the guise of spiritual enrichment, poking fun at the way religion can be used to manipulate.
  • The author criticizes the use of cheap tricks, such as promising rewards like vintage wine, to bait readers into engaging with and praising subpar articles.
  • The piece concludes by directing readers to more content from the author, suggesting a continued exploration of satirical commentary on Medium's publishing environment.

Medium Rip-Offs

Techniques To Cover Up The Fact That Your Writing Is Shit!

Puzzles and games for the braindead

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

As everyone knows on Medium, the more engaging your writing is, the longer a reader will spend on it. And the more money you make.

But what happens if your writing is utter shit. That your prose is as dull as a verse from the Bible.

Then what?

Quit?

Yes. That would be the best option.

But if you are one of those freaks who never gives up, the following ideas might help.

Distraction

Photo by Dan Barrett on Unsplash

When things are going bad for a politician, they start a war.

You can’t do that — you’re a dumb Medium writer. So you need to be more subtle. You need something to entertain the punters while they churn through your wretched poems, self-help guides and recipes.

The Magic Eye

Remember this craze from the 90s when everybody had their face buried two inches from a picture in the hope of seeing a camel or a lion jump off the page?

I could never do it.

Could you?

(image/Wiki Comms)

Somewhere there’s a shark — but I just see a lot of static.

By chucking a few of these into your piece, they chew up (literally, ha ha ha, shark — get it?) valuable reading time, which is what you desperately need.

The Maze

Look at the maze below.

(Image/Favpng.com)

Scary, eh?

I’ve always been scared of mazes. I once got lost in one at a country house in England, and I swear I’d never venture into one again.

So imagine being stuck in the central chamber with Donald Trump. And not only Trump. Strategically placed within the maze are clones of Steve Bannon, Sarah Palin, Rudy Giuliani, Ted Cruz, Boris Johnson, Vladimir Putin, and King Charles III.

Put one of these into your piece and write your own nightmare into it. It might be more interesting than your granola recipe —

Medium Crossword

Every idiot loves a crossword, and Medium readers are no different. By using some cheap, crap online crossword builder, you can make your own to test the reader on whatever rubbish you’ve been writing about, be it granola recipes, underwater yoga, or panning salt in Dubai.

(Image/Author)

Across 2. What does granola taste like? 3. Who eats Granola? 5. What is the point of granola? Down 1. What is granola? 4. What’s the main ingredient in granola?

Did you hook them?

The Promise of Everlasting Life

Religion has always played a great part in ripping people off over the millennia. So why not continue this tradition by encouraging them to pray for a few more minutes?

This is a picture of Ganesha, but you could insert any God, Idol, or Spiritual Being you wanted. The longer their trance, the more money you earn. Amen to that!

(Image/PngEgg.com)

Cheap Tricks

Underhand tricks are the best. Show them a picture of wine, like this.

(Image/favpng.Com)

Tell them they will receive a crate of vintage wine with their name and a pretty picture of a vineyard printed on each bottle.

To claim this great prize, they need to leave their name and email in the comments, along with a glowing appraisal of the piece.

Thanks for wasting your time reading this. For more Medium rip-offs and lies, check out

More madness?

Brand art courtesy of David Todd McCarty
Satire
Parody
Humor
Comedy
Games
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