The Joy of Marketing

Company Name Changes To Watch For In 2023

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Google

Google famously changed their name from BackRub (what the fuck!) to Google in 1997. Then changed it to Alphabet in 2015.

Did you know that? I didn’t.

When I see the word Alphabet, I think of Heinz Alphabetti Spaghetti. Those soggy pieces of pasta-shaped letters soaked in a sickly sweet tomato sauce.

I certainly don’t think of a Tech conglomerate when I’m feeding my four-year-old her tea.

But she did give me some advice on what Google (or Alphabet) should be called next.

Subway

Originally christened Pete’s Subway Sandwiches in 1965 — literally a mouthful! It was renamed Subway in 1972, so people could pronounce it properly.

Since then their bread has been going stale, so it’s a prime candidate for a name change.

I can’t go with another bread product like baguette, bloomer, bagel, or brioche. That would be stupid.

So I’ve decided to go deeper, and use this.

In Britain, where I’m from, a subway is a horrible grimy, urine-streaked, death hole that goes under a road. If you want to get mugged, robbed, raped, or knifed, this is where you go.

The other word for a subway is Underpass.

Perfect!

Apple

It can’t be long before Apple rebrands. It went from Apple Computers to Apple, Inc in 2007. But since then, nothing.

So what would be the options?

Any rebranding involving fruit would be utterly absurd.

Banana Computers?

That’s not going to work.

But maybe something related to fruit, like Orchard. Harvest. Plantation. Homestead. Ranch. Or Cactus?

Cactus Computers! That could work.

Remember, you saw it here first, Steve Jobs (in Heaven).

Pepsi

The granddaddy of brands, Pepsi was my first introduction to consumerism as a kid.

My father’s friend worked in a Pepsi factory, and so gave us loads of free cans. And is the reason I don’t have any teeth left.

Invented by Caleb Bradham in 1898, he rather unenthusiastically called it Brad’s Drink. Talk about originality.

I wonder what he would have called it if he’d invented a sandwich. Brad’s Super Sandwich?

He later renamed his drink Pepsi, as he advertised it as a cure for Dyspepsia (Indigestion). Probably after eating too many sandwiches.

That was over 120 years ago. Surely, it’s time for a facelift. But to what? How can you rebrand something as iconic as Pepsi. It would be like rebranding Coca-Cola or Christmas or Santa Claus. You just can’t do it.

Hertz

For me, Hertz is synonymous with foreign holidays in the 1970s. Along with Peter Stuyvesant cigarettes, Amber Solaire Tanning Oil, and cheap Chianti wine.

Originating in Chicago in 1918, Hertz started out life as Rent-a-Car Inc. Bought by John D. Hertz in 1923, it was renamed to Hertz Drive-Ur-Self System, and became The Hertz Corporation in 1953.

I remember my father hiring a Hertz car in Athens in 1979, and wondering if this was the height of sophistication. It was. Until the damn thing broke down on the way to see the famous monasteries in Meteora.

The name Hertz for me is too precise, too forensic. It’s time for a change, and I like the old name, Hertz Drive-Ur-Self System.

And if we get rid of the Hertz bit, we are left with Drive-Ur-Self System. Making the rather catchy acronym of DUSS.

Yes? No?

Looks more like a 70s brand of perfume?

You’ll get used to it.

In fifty years, your grandchildren will remember their holidays and DUSS Car Rental like I remember Peter Stuyvesant cigarettes and Amber Solaire Tanning Oil.

Thanks for reading. But just remember, Google et al. You saw these ads here first! For more kicks

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