This is funny
I Want To Sit Next To Hogan Torah
How to get close to your hero
I received a newsletter the other day from the MuddyUm comedy publication I write for.
Did you get it?
Probably not.
Anyway, in it was a list of people who either write for MuddyUm, edit MuddyUm, or are just there to bulk up the numbers.
NOTE: Don’t be a jerk and try to click on a name — this is a screenshot!
I was at my mum’s house when I read it. ‘Mum! Finally, I’m a writer. Look!’
She peered into the screen. ‘Err, where honey?’
‘There! In between PJ Jacklelman and PlainTalkBadManners.’
She squinted. ‘Who’s PJ Jacklelman and PlainTalkBadManners?’
‘I don’t know. Two more idiots writing vaguely witty stories like this.’
‘Why are you so low down the list. Aren’t you important enough?’
It was a good question. The list starts off rather randomly.
Then reverts to alphabetization. Probably when the editor realized it would take her a couple of years to cross-check everyone’s name to make sure she hadn’t missed anyone out.
Truth is though, I didn’t want to sit next to PJ Jackelman or PlainTalkBadManners. I wanted to sit next to Hogan Torah. I wanted to be at school sitting next to the cool, funny kid, so I didn’t get beaten up in the break.
‘Who is this Hogan Torah clown?’ my mother asked.
‘Some funny guy who writes about film, drugs, and music videos.’
My mum wasn’t interested. Closest she had ever come to taking drugs was snorting nutmeg while baking a cake.
‘I’m gonna have to change my name to something cooler, more American. Americans always have cooler names than Brits. Look at Philip K. Dick. A.K. Simmons. Vin Diesel.’
‘So what are you going to call yourself, Hogan Tosser?’
I laughed. That was funny. ‘Maybe something more subtle. I’m thinking of Horace Togan. Then I’ll be after Holly Jahangiri, two places from Torah.’
My mother looked worryingly at me. ‘Philip, you’re not at school you know. This isn’t real. It’s a computer simulation. These people probably don’t even exist.’
‘Oh no, Mum. Hogan Torah exists alright, I’ve seen him in my dreams. He looks like this.’
‘That’s scary,’ my mother swooned.
‘Yep. That’s why I want to sit next to him so I don’t get beaten up. Get it?’
Thanks for reading. For more madness.
More?
