Strange Things Only a Medium Writer Would Say

How many of these apply to you?

Friend: “How’s that writing thing going?”

Medium writer: “I don’t know. I haven’t checked for 10 minutes.”

I’ve been here a couple of years now and it’s hooked me like a Curly Grub fishing lure.

I have been caught, reeled, landed, gutted, filleted, covered in batter, deep-fried and served on a plate with chips and mushy peas.

It’s addictive — all those claps and comments.

Then one day, they pay you for some stuff you wrote at three in the morning in an alcoholic stupor. The next day you are up and at it like they super-glued your testicles to a horse’s fetlock and shouted, ‘Giddy up.’

And while it is a super-interesting, informative, and thriving community — it’s also as kooky as a cuckoo on cocaine. You will read things here, you just won’t read anywhere else. Things like:

“This is how to quit you job and make a gazillion dollars every month.”

Don’t believe everything you read, especially when it is about Medium. Okay, some of these outrageous claims are satire (thinly veiled) but some are deadly serious.

“Hey, look at me. I’ve finally sussed Medium. I’m making good money and you can too. Just follow my lead and you too can soon be in the $10.57 club.”

It also pays to have some perspective. We shouldn’t take ourselves so seriously:

“They’ve changed the algorithm again. My life is ruined.”

The advice comes in gigantic dollops. Anything from how to walk and talk, what foods you should or shouldn’t stuff in your gob, and even what to think.

But an unstintingly thickset amount of advice is about what to do or not do as a writer on Medium. They tell you, with some fervour, to niche down:

“Niche down. Don’t write about 10 different topics. (big mistake)”

And you will equally receive a smack in the face for doing the opposite:

“Why on earth would you niche down? You will run out of stuff to write, get bored, and nobody will read the same shit you repeat week in week out.”

The same goes for lists. Articles with lists of things abound. 10 ways you can (insert ANYTHING). And when I say anything, I mean ANYTHING.

Some come under the snappy title of ‘listicles.’ And the advice falls into two camps:

Camp 1 — “Create lists. People like lists.”

Camp 2 — “Things you shouldn’t do on Medium. №1 write listicles. №2 list a list of things. №3 etc.etc.”

There are stoical writers and the opposite of stoics — What’s the word for people who are excitable, agitated, frantic, jittery?

These people write only about Medium. That’s their business. And they tend not to see the irony in their comments:

“Medium is shit. Come join me.”

Or

“My Medium earnings have tanked. Buy my course and you, too, can earn as much money as me.”

Or

“Read, clap, comment, follow, and the money will flow.”

If those readers are reading all the 8,053 writers they follow, how much will they share of the $2.50 monthly fee?

“If only people would take as much time to read an article as they do to make a choice from a menu, huh!”

And it’s the same when people complain about other people on Medium.

“The People Here Are Insufferable.”

What, all of us?

There are those who have a go at what other writers write. This isn’t like a comedy club roast. They are not being funny.

“If I have to read one more article about how the entire world is f**ked, I’ll scratch my eyeballs out.”

Here’s the thing. You don’t have to read it. It isn’t compulsory. You can do what 99% of people do when they get fed up reading about Armageddon — stop reading.

Yeah! Go watch the news or read a paper instead — oops, wait a minute, bad idea.

These are my favourites.

There are some things you read that only a Medium writer would say because they are who they are. You need to look no further than my fellow time traveller Smillew Rahcuef

He is a smart cookie, and he says things like this:

“Next time you travel in time, check if your pictures are on billboards or used as screensavers. This is a future sign of being a misunderstood genius in the present.”

But he is honest:

“I hope you’ll understand I cannot give you the answer straight away because then you wouldn’t read the whole article and I wouldn’t make money.”

There are the life and soul people like Uvebruce who offer their wisdom for all to benefit:

5 Things to Say to an Angry Woman to Calm Her Down

№1. “Why don’t you just calm down?”

His list got better and better and concluded with a picture he describes as:

“Olga took this photo of surgeons trying to remove the Toro Powerjet F700 Leafblower from my arse after I mansplained the “Hare & the Tortoise” story to my wife.”

Now that is funny.

Did you know there is a thing called a reverse bucket list? People are writing about the things they will never do. And the crazy thing is people are reading them.

Hey, this guy here will never get a tattoo. How interesting:

“Tattoos? No. You don’t put a bumper sticker on a Bentley.”

To be fair, I did a bucket list:

My tongue was firmly poking the inside of my cheek with that one.

They are some who hit the nail on the head with their observations:

“Drama wins on this platform. People gravitate towards it like moths to a lightbulb.”

Missing the point, methinks.

The more people read their writing, the more they earn. If drama wins, so do they. The drama circus begets more drama llamas. And they all skip off to watch the next tragicomedy unfold.

There are no taboo topics on Medium. Breasts are a big feature. If you are interested, you can learn:

“Why I tattooed my tubby tits.”

“How my breasts swing, pendulum-like, to the song ‘Night Moves’ by Bob Seger.”

“Why breasts are responsible for the recession?”

Plagiarism. I’m afraid it happens.

“When you take stuff from one writer it’s plagiarism, but when you take from many writers it’s called research.”

I stole that from Wilson Mizner.

There are writers using artificial intelligence copywriting tools to create articles. How do I know?

“I tried Jasper.ai, and it’s a great program.”

Yes. People admit it.

These are easy to spot, they are well-written and original.

Unfortunately, the parts that are well-written are not original and the parts that are original are not well written.

The chase me, chase me, crowd. Well, not ‘chase,’ but ‘follow.’ They are prevalent on Medium Facebook groups:

“Follow me and I’ll follow you.”

“I followed you. Now you follow me and we’ll follow each other around in circles.”

Some are persistent and have a strategy:

“I read your article. Here is a link to mine, which you should read because I read yours.”

That translates as:

“I opened up your article, clapped 17 times and then moved on to clap another 100 articles in my 25-minute lunch break.”

They aren’t to blame. It’s Medium’s fault for introducing a 100-follower count before people can join the Medium Partner Programme (and get paid). It is also why follower count means hee haw.

There is a religious cult here. And their god is Blockchain. Please don’t upset them by suggesting there might be an issue or two with it. You will get COMMENTS!

“You really should investigate a bit more. I can tell by reading the article that you know squat about crypto.”

“Bitcoin is bottoming now. It’s going up and up 94%, or more, in the next year. The market is unstoppably growing.”

Ahem! That was a year ago ;-)

“I didn’t bother reading your article, but I came here to congratulate you on writing the most trollish clickbait-y headline I’ve seen on Medium in a while.”

I had more comments on three blockchain articles than on all my other articles put together. I have only one question — if it’s so good, why are you selling it?

Last, but not smallest in magnitude or degree, money. Some Medium writers share, share, share.

“Here’s how much money Medium paid me for (insert number) views.”

Imagine you are a cleaner. Would you boast about your earnings?

“I’m making $2.37 per toilet.”

That’s still more than the average writer makes an hour.

Weirdly, some writers believe the quickest way to a million is to ask everyone they meet to buy them a Kofi. Maybe they are right. All that coffee is keeping them awake and typing away on their next article.

“37 ways coffee keeps me awake so I can write listicles.”

The end.

Malky is a lifelong learner, and he finds journeying is a damn good way to cement his knowledge.

There’s more by Malky here. Get an email when Malky publishes. Read and learn, write and earn by joining here.

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