Summary

The article provides satirical advice on how to de-escalate conflicts with women by using condescending and insensitive remarks, ultimately suggesting that such tactics may lead to more problems than solutions.

Abstract

The article, presented as part of a marriage guidance program, humorously lists five phrases men might use when attempting to calm an angry woman. These phrases include "I told you so," "Why don't you just calm down," "It's your fault," "Are you acting up because you're on your period," and "Have you gained weight." The author sarcastically suggests that these comments will lead to the woman appreciating the man's perspective and changing her behavior accordingly. The article also mocks the idea of mansplaining chores and pacing oneself with outdoor tasks, implying that such behavior is patronizing and likely to backfire, as evidenced by the author's own 'medical records' and a humorous anecdote about a leafblower incident.

Opinions

The article conveys the opinion that telling a woman "I told you so" during a disagreement is patronizing and unlikely to de-escalate the situation.
It suggests that commanding a woman to "calm down" is ineffective and dismissive of her feelings.
The author implies that blaming a woman for being at fault in an argument is a way of avoiding responsibility and is not conducive to resolving conflict.
The piece satirically comments on the stereotype that women's emotions are tied to their menstrual cycle, poking fun at the idea of attributing anger to hormonal changes.
It ridicules the notion of commenting on a woman's weight gain as a means to explain her emotions, suggesting that such comments are insensitive and potentially harmful.
The article mocks the concept of mansplaining, particularly in the context of household chores, suggesting that it is a form of male superiority complex.
It humorously criticizes the approach of using simplistic fables like "The Hare and the Tortoise" to explain complex relationship dynamics to women, implying that it is a condescending tactic.
The author's tone throughout the article indicates a strong disapproval of the advice given, highlighting the absurdity and potential negative consequences of such behavior in relationships.

5 Things to Say to an Angry Woman to Calm Her Down, and Get Her off the Subject

I offer this as part of my Celebrated marriage guidance program.

**I could be wrong — but something in that photo doesn't look calm.** Photo by Niranjan _ Photographs on Unsplash

I told you so -

As soon as you say this, she will immediately realise it’s her fault. That you did previously tell her and she’s going to have to accept your intervention, because you are the male in the house.

Why Don’t you just Calm Down -

She is going to immediately see the error of her ways, and that she’s over-retracting. She will probably thank you for pointing this out. Later, when she’s finely calmed down, you can follow up gently by say :-

“Boy, you were totally over-reacting again.”

I always give an affectionate cupped-hand-rump slap or boob wiggle when I say this. Maybe a cheek squeeze. Touch is so important.

It’s your fault —

She is going to realise you were right again. That it must have been her fault, because you said so, and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. Remind her that it is what grown-ups do.

Mention that her mother-in-law agrees with you, it validates your view and provides reinforcement. She will appreciate that.

Are you acting up because you’re on your period —

This is a biggie. She will realise that you’ve been reading Cosmopolitan women’s articles; that you’ve put down your beer and taken this seriously; and that you are working hard to connect with your more sensitive side. It says : —

You “get” her.

Be ready for amorous advances if you use this one.

Have you gained weight -

You ask her this, while mansplaining that weight gain can cause women to be grumpy. As she’s grumpy for no real reason — it must be weight gain.

You go on to explain she can be like you, and buy the next clothing size up. But she mustn’t get too fat because that defeats the objectivity of having a trophy wife.

Ask what’s for dinner and perhaps criticise the meals fat content to highlight your earlier point. Suggest she should do better, starting with tonight's offer.

No time like the present is a good line, in situations like this. She will appreciate your caring involvement.

It is a psychological factual opinion of mine, that women fixate when they are angry. They go on and on with laser sharp focus, until you take your feet off the coffee table, put the beer down and do the 3-outside-chores on your to-do list while she completes her 37-inside-chores.

Everybody knows outside work is grueling, so needs to be well paced.

Example — if you mow an entire lawn in one day, it all grows back at the same speed … the lawn owns you. If however, you STAGGER it, say over a 2-month period, you only mow portions of the lawn on a less grueling schedule. You own the lawn.

Ownership of a task is KEY!

Women do not always understand this level of detail. Especially if they’re angry.

If necessary recite the story of the Hare and the Tortoise. It always helps explain the concept to the slower individuals.

Using any one of the options listed above will completely change the subject and get the “chores” sidelined for ages. At least until you return from A&E.

These are tried and tested. I have the medical records to prove I had managed to get her thinking of other subjects.

**Olga took this photo for me of surgeons trying to remove the Toro Powerjet F700 Leafblower out my arse after I mansplained the “Hare & the Tortoise” story to my wife.** Photo by Olga Guryanova on Unsplash

PS — if anybody has need for a slightly used Toro Powerjet F700 Leafblower, please message me. It has seen “things”, but has done very little yard work. Going cheap.