Sorry. You’re toxic too.
Don’t put all the blame on everyone else. You’ve got toxic behavior of your own.
by: E.B. Johnson
Do you think your partner is the only one with a problem? You may want to take a second look. We all have toxic behaviors and beliefs within is. It’s just the way of the world. No one is perfect, and as imperfect people we’re always going to get something wrong. Instead of looking solely outward at a world that you view as toxic, you have to look inward from time-to-time too. What toxic behaviors are tearing your life (and relationships) apart? Only when you confront the toxicity in yourself, can you deal with the toxicity of the world.
The toxic behaviors you’re ignoring.
What toxic behaviors are you harboring? Are you an ace manipulator? Do you judge others? Play the victim? Lie? Or go out of the way please people who don’t have your best interests at heart? If you’re serious about manifesting a happier life for yourself, then you need to be honest about your own toxic behaviors and how they’re undermining your ultimate happiness.
Ace manipulator
Be careful. If you’re a manipulative person, then you are also a toxic person. Only toxic people manipulate others. When you manipulate people around you to get what you want, you alienate yourself and create poisonous environments in which tension and distrust are rife. We can’t pull at someone’s psyche and emotions to get what we want. Our only choices are to talk things out with them, or do for ourselves.
Selfish living
Selfish behavior — especially in our relationships — is always toxic. You can’t afford to be selfish when you’ve made a commitment to another person. When all you do is put yourself first, you prove (to your loved ones) that you don’t care what happens to those around you. They lose trust in you and will pull away and lash out in return as a result of their hurts.
Endless judgement
Judgement is a toxic trait in judging people and their circumstances. The fact of the matter is that you have no idea what someone else is going through. To judge someone is to sell them (and ourselves) short. When you judge someone you make assumptions, and in those assumptions you also make broad projections about yourself and your own toxic hangups.
Past rumination
Are you stuck in the past? Do you feel miserable because you just can’t get over the injustices of your past? When we dwell in the past and compare everyone and to the good and bad things in it, we hold ourselves back. You can’t move forward into healthy and happy relationships until you let go of all that old pain. If you hold on to those losses and pains, you end up punishing those in your present.
Victim baiting
Bad things happen to everyone, but this doesn’t stop a toxic person from weaponizing their victimhood. Are you someone who regularly plays the victim so that you can get your way? This is a common tactic of covert narcissists. Instead of being upfront about what you want, you play the victim in order to emotionally bait (and control) the people around you.
Seeking validation
Have you ever been described as someone who is desperate for attention? When you need constant outward attention and validation from your partner, your friends, and your family, it can turn into a toxic energy suck that pulls your life apart. What happens when you’re not the center of attention? Do you make things hard for everyone else? This can be a sign of a toxic need for attention.
People pleasing
Not all toxic traits involve outright nasty behavior. Sometimes, our toxic behavior takes on a more positive appearance. That’s where people pleasing comes in. When you go out of your way to make others happy (but fail to meet your own needs) then you end up miserable, isolated, and at the mercy of people who want to take advantage of you. To build happy lives, we have to prioritize ourselves along with those we love.
People punishing
Just as we can be desperate to please others, we can be just as desperate to punish them. That’s especially true of our more toxic natures. If you are someone who engages in cruel behavior with people you don’t like, then you may be toxic. Likewise, cheating, arrogance, and a sense of superiority can indicate that you have some toxic traits that need to be addressed.
Blame shifting
Do you blame everyone else for the things that go wrong in your life? Not only will this destroy your relationships, it will also destroy your chances of being happy. Blame games are a waste of effort. The energy you spend being angry at the world is better used to transforming your own life. To do that, you have to accept responsibility for your life, your behavior, and your choices.
Resisting change
We humans are creatures of habit, and that’s often a trait that shoots us in the foot. Because we like things to stay the same, we struggle with the concept (and experience) of change. That’s why resisting change is such a toxic habit to have. If you want to become a better, happier, healthier person, then you have to embrace change and growth as a part of a fulfilling future.
Being insincere
Are you an insincere person? Do you regularly say things that you don’t mean? Or things that you don’t really fear? Insincerity is a toxic flaw to have. When we’re insincere, people know it. They pull away from us and come to distrust us. Our true intentions are always exposed when we’re insincere with those who know us best.
How to confront your toxic behavior.
The sooner you find the courage to confront your toxic behavior, the sooner you can start carving a path to happiness. Take an honest inventory of all your relationships, past and present. Question yourself and don’t be afraid to go deep. When you hit the wall, invest in some professional help. And whatever you do, commit to making consciously different choices every day.
1. Take an honest inventory
Before you can fix anything, you need to take an honest look at where you’re at. This is often the hardest part, because it means looking at the darker parts of ourselves and our behaviors. It means admitting where we went wrong and the people that we’ve wronged too. That hurts, but it’s the only way we can figure out who we want to really be and the changes it will take to get there.
Stop where you’re at in life and take an honest inventory. What is the state of your relationships? Your career? Your life? You need to take honest stock of everything in your life. What role are you playing in your happiness or your misery? How are you behaving? How are you reacting? What are you doing to make things more stressful or tense?
Journaling is a great way to start this process. Break it down. Focus on one relationship or one aspect of your life. Write everything that you feel is going “wrong”. Record as much detail as you can. Consider your own behavior as you do this. While you write, ask yourself, “how could I have reacted differently?” As you imagine this different behavior, imagine the butterfly effect that might have come from it. How would a better reaction from you have improved things across larger scheme of things?
2. Don’t be afraid to go deep
Beyond looking at the surface of your issues, you need to dig deeper to expose their roots and sources. Where have you learned to lie and manipulate others? What experiences taught you that this was the way in which you had to form connection and communication? True transformation begins with admitting the problems at face value, but it can’t complete its journey until we get used to questioning ourselves on a deeper level.
You’ve got to go deeper if you’re going to positively shift your toxic aspects. Pry deeper. Question yourself and where your behaviors come from. Why are your relationships so challenging? Why do you struggle to be honest? Supportive? Why do you struggle to value people as they are?
This is a look beyond where you’re at in this moment of your life. When you go deep, you have to look at the full scope of your life. We’re going to the source of who we are and everything we believe. Look at the pieces that come together to make you who you are. Shift and rid yourself of anything that no longer fits the future that you’re trying to build. Once you clear out the corruption under the surface, the wound will be free to breathe and heal.
3. Invest in some serious help
Some toxic behaviors stem from deep wounds that go further than we’re prepared to deal with. That’s normal in healing. It’s not always possible to see how you’re hurt, and it’s not always possible to repair it yourself once you have. Maybe you keep sliding back into toxic behavior. Or maybe you’re sliding further and further down the rabbit hole of rumination. When we’re feeling lost, the best thing we can do is to invest in some serious help.
Invest in some serious help and touch base with a mental health professional. Whether or not you want to hear it, it’s not always possible to unravel our issues ourselves. Sometimes, we need someone with a little more experience and a better perspective. That’s where a professional can come in.
Look for someone you can trust. Open up to them and express your concern and some behaviors you want to address. Allow them to help you as you create a plan for getting back on a path you want to be on. The key is finding someone who wants to form a partnership with you — not just a therapist that promises to fix all your problems. There’s no easy fixing the toxic behaviors implanted in us. We are the only ones who can do the work, but sometimes we need someone who can show us the best way to do that.
4. Consciously make different choices
At the end of the day, genuine change only happens when we change things. You can go to therapy all day long. You can talk to your friends, journal, and name and claim your bad behavior until the cows come home. None of that works, though, if you don’t take a proactive approach to actually changing things. Become aware of your behavior and then consciously change it and the way you choose to react, behave, and connect with the world around you.
Consciously make different choices for yourself and your relationships every single day. If you’re someone who has struggled with the truth in the past, then commit to being more honest with yourself and with others. If you’ve been manipulative, commit to being more open.
A great way to start — no matter what change you’re making — is to focus on doing 3 small things each day. For example, if you’re trying to overcome people pleasing as your toxic trait, you can find 3 small ways to set limits each day. Say no when your boss asks you to stay late. Tell your partner “I’d rather not” when they suggest that restaurant that always makes you sick. Consciously do things differently until it feels normal to branch out and stand strong in yourself and your authenticity.
Putting it all together…
Think your partner or your parents are the only toxic people in your environment? Think again. We all have toxic tendencies which can corrode our happiness when we’re not careful. Rather than settling for dysfunction, you can make a choice to pursue a higher way of thinking and living. Doing this asks that we shift our perspective, though. And it insists that we live more in line with our truths.
Take an honest inventory of where you’re at and consider if that’s enough for you. Do you want to keep creating toxic relationships and toxic home environments? No? Then take a brutally honest look at yourself, and don’t be afraid to dig down to the root of your actual issues. What corrupted beliefs are holding you back? How are they causing you to lash out and harm others? Invest in some professional help and make sure you have the perspective you need to create real and lasting change. Above all else, however, commit to making mindful and intentional choices every day. Nothing is going to change until you actively change it. Break through that hurdle and the rest will fall into place.
- Fletcher, G., & Kerr, P. (2010). Through the eyes of love: Reality and illusion in intimate relationships. Psychological Bulletin, 136(4), 627–658. doi: 10.1037/a0019792
- HINES, D., & SAUDINO, K. (2002). Intergenerational Transmission of Intimate Partner Violence. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 3(3), 210–225. doi: 10.1177/15248380020033004
