Summary

The website content is a personal narrative by Celine Lai, reflecting on her life experiences, including the challenges of adoption, abuse, and societal pressures, and her journey towards self-acceptance and resilience.

Abstract

Celine Lai shares a deeply personal account of her life, marked by a series of apologies for perceived shortcomings and the hardships she has faced. Born in Malaya and raised in Australia, Celine addresses the struggles of being different, facing racism, and enduring abuse from an early age. She reflects on the impact of these experiences on her mental health, career, and personal life. Despite the challenges, Celine expresses hope and gratitude for the love and strength she has found within herself. She emphasizes the importance of self-love, the support of loved ones, and the power of writing and reading in her journey towards healing and growth. The narrative concludes with Celine's acknowledgment of her own resilience and a call to embrace our collective potential to create a better world.

Opinions

Celine expresses regret for not always meeting others' expectations, highlighting societal pressures to conform and excel.
She acknowledges the pain of feeling different and the racism she encountered, which led her to wish for a disguise to gain acceptance.
Celine conveys a sense of injustice regarding the abuse she suffered at the hands of adoptive family members and the lack of support she received.
She criticizes the societal expectation of perfection and the stigma surrounding mental health struggles.
Celine shares her gratitude for the opportunities and blessings in her life, despite the hardships.
She advocates for the importance of mental health awareness, particularly the HATE and LOVE cycles, and the need for appropriate resources and help.
Celine emphasizes the value of deep connections and inclusivity, suggesting that collective support can lead to positive change.
She encourages others to speak out and share their journeys, fostering understanding and acceptance in society.
Celine rejects the notion of being sorry for her life's journey, affirming her strength and the progress she has made against considerable odds.

Sorry to disappoint you

The author January 2019 a day before going into Hospital

I’m sorry that I disappointed you.

I’m sorry that I didn’t clap more than once for your Story when you thought that I should.

I’m sorry that I didn’t think about your feelings more.

I’m sorry that I didn’t think more before I acted.

I’m sorry that I didn’t turn up at work every day.

I’m sorry that I disagreed with you.

I’m sorry that I made mistakes.

I’m sorry that I tried and didn’t complete things.

I’m sorry that I didn’t do every thing you told me do.

I’m sorry for being frightened or worried.

I’m sorry for trying to look after others without your permission.

I’m sorry that I’m not perfect.

“I’m sorry Celine that you ever thought these words to yourself. Did you ever think that you would, when you were 10 years old?

A Letter to the 55-year-old Celine from the Universe

I’m sorry that you were taken away from your mother as a baby.

I’m sorry that you were taken from your family, your country and your culture as a baby and thought to be integrated into a family of a different race, in a new country.

I’m sorry that you were confused and felt different, and that you were abused by adoptive family members from age eleven.

I’m sorry that you faced a lot of racism that caused you to wish to wear a disguise so that you would be accepted.

I’m sorry that you have been neglected by so many.

I’m sorry that you have been misunderstood by others.

I’m sorry that you have felt worthless and unappreciated.

I’m sorry that 3 males in your supposed family abused you and others.

I’m sorry that you felt scared and unable to turn to others for help.

I’m sorry that wherever you go at your workplaces, that you are under-appreciated and not worked with to get the best out of everything.

I’m sorry that you didn’t get married or have kids, which is what you always wanted.

I’m sorry that you have felt like killing yourself.

I’m sorry that you aren’t earning a higher income when you are clearly suitable to do so, but Life has beaten you down and your lack of confidence and your anxiety levels and relaxation levels impeded such.

I’m sorry that Life was cruel to you.

A Birthday Card from my adoptive mother given to me when I was 9 years old

From the Universe: My Hopes for you

I hope that you feel loved and abundant.

I hope that you realise that nobody has to be perfect.

I hope that you realise how amazing and strong you are.

I hope you realise just how much you have done for others.

I hope you realise how skilled and intelligent you are.

I hope that you embrace your gifts and don’t give up on them.

I hope that you and your loved ones are happy and healthy.

I hope that you believe in yourself and don’t get upset over how others treat you.

I hope that you make something from what you love doing, which is writing, reading and researching.

I hope that you release the shadows of the past and I applaud you for being brave.

Keep Living.

A screenshot of the author’s blog Our Lovely World

A reply to the Universe from Celine

Every moment I am grateful for my blessings and opportunities. I count myself fortunate to have the “gift” of being able to view things as a sort of living “playground” for me to take up the challenges.

I have it within me to learn about conscious and subconscious thoughts and actions and to be more mindful and relaxed.

I have it within me to turn to appropriate resources and help.

I am grateful for the flame of potential which is the inner spark that has kept me going.

The world is an amazing infinite place with so much going for it, my hopes and plans are for more people to “wake up” every moment to the truths that we are co-creators.

I am grateful for the cycles that I have gone through so that I can help others.

Psychologists taught me about the HATE cycle:

Upset/Hurt — Resentful — Bitter — Hateful

They said that women especially should be aware of this cycle, because the stressors may be greater for them to get started on this one.

So, I worked on trying to feel less stressed and upset by things, and to just feel a mere annoyance. This reduces elevated blood pressure and allows one to move on.

Life taught me about the LOVE cycle:

Born of equal worth — Unique biological growth process (including critical formative years of childhood and early adult years) — Need for safety or security (fear makes one not relaxed, and the body tension wears one out and adds to health issues) — Need to feel loved through one-to-one personal support and through overt gratitude or acknowledgement from others (yes, they say don’t depend upon approval from outside but we are social animals and we need a certain level of love or support from others) — Inner core or flame/spark that keeps one alive fanned by whatever oxygen it is exposed to , hopefully enough — Growth through this inner spark and through using help, and overall quality of Life through the over-riding process which is the ability of every single person on Earth to love all others, through TIME.

Time is what we think it is, and I think that it’s a matter of organising ourselves across time, to make the best of it.

Connecting means incorporating what one learns or knows from another into one’s own doing / living, or coping strategies or positive attitudes, like a puzzle, fits into a jigsaw.

Deep connection means taking time to filter out what is really important or valuable or needed / useful to YOU at any point of “time”; focusing on only one or a few things at once.

Following someone’s personal journey on Medium is one way of deep connection. 😃

Together we can truly support each other by listening, hearing, understanding, accepting that people can change some things, looking at the motivation and energy and inspiration and systems (world systems and personal belief systems) behind what people do; and by speaking out affirmatively, clearly, logically, factually and where needed or wanted, somewhat drawing upon one’s own personal experiences, to BUILD new patterns and a new World.

I am no longer sorry for disappointing anyone. I have done my best, against the odds. Elton John sang “Sorry seems to be the hardest word”.

When I was able to say to myself “I’m sorry, Celine, for what you’ve been through”, I was able to support myself, not through pity but through self-acknowledgment of a reality that was tough.

There’s a saying “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”, and in a way this is true; but it doesn’t make it any easier emotionally for most of the duration of the journey.

Thanks for reading. You may be interested in the Stories below.

Inner Strength: an adoption & survival story

Born in Malaya in 1963, raised in Australia in a blended family, foremost a human being.

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If patience is a virtue, what is tolerance?

Tolerance requires patience, temperance and justice

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About the Author

Celine Lai was born in Malaya (not Malaysia) and is the oldest inter-country adopted person in Australia. She loves reading and writing, and runs WordPress blogs and writes technical documents. She blogs mainly on Fascinating Animals.

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