For the Record: I am a Big Little Person

I weigh 42 kilograms or 92 pounds and am 150 cm tall or 5 feet tall. I am 55 years old and I live in Australia.

You may not think that being on the smaller side would incur a stigma or be treated as lesser or as something undesirable.

Well, being small and because of my other physical characteristics, I have a small soft voice; and it is not easy for me to cultivate a louder voice in my everyday interactions with people, because I naturally have a low volume voice and it is both tiring for me to consciously “turn up the volume” and is not natural.

Time and again, I will respond to people in my natural voice, which is clear and confident, but soft, and people will not listen because they are not using their ears or even looking at me. They will then be offended and say something like “Don’t say good morning then” or “What do you think?” when I’ve just told them.

I have tried to “train them” i.e. have told them out-right that not only have I got a soft voice, but I’ve got a heart murmur also, and I really do NOT want to have to shout out loud, which is what it would mean for me to raise the volume of my voice. That would require exertion or extra energy, which I don’t have.

Besides people respecting small people having small voices and thus these people carefully listening to small people when they speak, people should NOT regard small people as somehow being “lesser” as in not so important, or ignorant or in-experienced, or incompetent.

I worked for the Australian Department of Defence back in the 1980s when I was in my twenties, and although I looked and acted and spoke confidently, I am sure that because I was small, to some people, I was invisible.

When I put forward my viewpoint, not only in that workplace, but in the many other government workplaces that I was employed in, and in the community at large, many people would over-look what I had to say.

I know that eye contact and a confident posture and demeanor and a strong voice are part of good communication but let me tell you that some small people and larger people understand what I am saying.

When I left the Army, my Director, a Brigadier-General, kindly gave me a written reference, in which he included “Sometimes people confuse Celine being small with her not being so competent, but Celine is a highly competent and intelligent person.”

Because of my small size and build, from age 18 onward, often people would think that I was a lot younger than what I was.

No, it wasn’t because I looked childish or immature, or acted younger. One day I found it quite stressful when I was introduced to some friends of a relative, and one of them flatly refused to accept what age I was, or that I was old enough to drive. I felt humiliated.

People may think it is flattering or a compliment to be told that you look younger than you are, but there are boundaries or limits. Up unto age 30, I had to pull out my identification when I went to a licensed establishment, to prove I was the legal age to drink.

After that age, my face looking older, and my being more assertive, and perhaps people wanting to make a sale, meant I wasn’t so often asked to produce my Driver’s Licence when buying wine.

When I was younger, I went with my mother to a Casino, only into the foyer, to look at a gold exhibition and there was an official who refused to let me in. Mum drew herself up to her full height and said, “I’ll have you know that she is twenty-one years old.”

Once on the train, aged in my thirties, I was sitting down, and a man walked up to me and made gestures with his head for me to get up. He thought that I was a child and wanted me to stand up for him!

While milling with the masses, crossing a busy intersection, people think that because I’m small that I should get out of the way. They glare at me, don’t break their stride and even “tsk” at me. Sometimes I’m going down-hill (literally) and don’t even have time to stop. My weight and gravity and momentum of least resistance naturally keep me going, but still some bigger people seem infuriated that I am not giving away to my “elders”.

Some of them would be surprised to know that I am older than them! Many would be gob-smacked that I am not a child or a teenager.

Short people are just the same As you and I

Some lyrics from the song “Short People” by Randy Newman

Discrimination against small people, even if not as visible or prevalent as discrimination against other people, is foolish and not acceptable. It has been reported in the ABC News:

Growing up, those who are short face more than bad nicknames. Girls are treated like children in the work place and hardly taken seriously.

Yes I have been called demeaning names like “midget” and “Hobbit” and it is unpleasant for this to happen. My personal story has been fraught with enough challenges without my being mocked just because of my height and my build. Yes I have definitely been treated like a child in the workplace and outside.

At food stalls or kiosks I am usually over-looked, even when at the track-side bakery in the city, I stand right in front of the cash register, clutching my sandwich. The girls attending to the sales often look down upon me and ignore me, asking a taller person standing next to me what they want. Now and then, a kind customer will actually point to me and say that I was next!

It makes me sad that this discrimination happens and although some people would like to shrug it off, saying “Who cares?’ or “Does it really matter, it’s not all that bad,” what if it happened to them?

Pervasive mistreatment of small or short people is somewhat down-played or overlooked, but think about this. What if it is the “last straw” or the “straw that breaks the camel’s back?’ to use a phrase which can mean it is an unkindness which sends someone over the edge?

Twice in my personal life, I have thought about suicide and the most recent was January 2017. I was at a rock bottom low, struggling in both my work and personal environments.

In January 2017, I felt largely neglected and un-cared for by everything or everybody, and mismanagement and unrealistic expectations and different personalities, including mine, at work, all contributed toward this.

There were too many harsh things for me in Life, one after the other.

It can be mentally debilitating and stressful to feel ignored, and this was like a recap of what I went through when I was 21 years old.

I wanted basic things but was ignored. To this date, I believe that my being small and perceived as being a “push-over” or inconsequential or not fitting an acceptable image, contributed to my being ignored or neglected in my workplace over the past 3 years.

For example, I tried discussing with my supervisor if I could find a substitute to do a task that I had to do, that wasn’t one of my normal tasks, to attend an information session on working with Aboriginal customers. He cut me off and said “No, it’s your job.”

Life is somewhat like a revolving door. He had cut me off many times before, when I tried to have a dialogue with him about things.

Life sometimes wears you down. Besides this, although I witnessed larger people around me being listened to, I had been continually ignored regarding other things, with my supervisor saying that my Manager was too busy to attend to things, even if attending to my request would literally only take five minutes.

Yes I know that my way of communicating plays a part, but when you are part of a hierarchical chain, you don’t want to demand that someone in management does something, unless you are okay with risking losing your job or being punished.

In January 2017, I felt worthless and depressed, and as I stood on the train platform staring down at the abyss, I thought that it would be great if I could just end it all, and nobody would miss me. Luckily I didn’t jump, and since then, the last cog in the wheel for me, personally, has turned.

As a survivor of many types of abuses, I have been working extra hard since January 2017 on shedding the last remains of guilt and fear, and owning my sadness about my past, and building up my sense of self. When I found Medium to publish on, it was an outlet for me to express my personal journey and thoughts, a light in the middle of the tunnel.

Life can be a harsh teacher and lover. Since 2016 life has thrown me curved balls, or personal challenges, that have helped me to identify my values and boundaries, and helped me to be more assertive.

To cheer and encourage yourself along your journey, find what you love doing and go for it, despite the nay-sayers or ignorers. For example, for as long as I live, I will always write, because writing is my first and last love.

I may look the size and build of a teenager, but I have had more experiences in this one life-time than I may have wanted, given a choice. We who are small in size, have to make an effort to put ourselves out there, in person, to let others know how we feel when mocked or denigrated because of our size, and must never look down upon ourselves.

Hold your head high, and remember the saying that there will always be someone who doesn’t see your worth, don’t let it be you.

I am small

But I have a big heart

I am a petite adult, and I would love it if the World views me as this