Sometimes You Just Can’t Get It Up

And that doesn’t mean anything is wrong

It’s already cold here, where I live. It’s been unusually cold, in fact, since early September, when it snowed. We’ve entered a very early winter and it happened so fast, it felt like a light bulb turning off, or someone snapping their fingers.

Though I don’t usually love summer, I long for those warm, long days. I was overflowing with energy, my health was good, and I was finally exploring a creative path I had longed to explore — writing about sex. My writing is always fueled by my sexual energy, which tends to run high most of the time, but channeling it into work about sex was more rewarding than I could have imagined.

And then came some family troubles. And another bout of my mystery health problem that my doctors have yet to be able to solve. And just a whole lot of feeling rundown and exhausted.

My sexual energy plummeted. And with it, not surprisingly, my desire to write about sex.

When was the last time I wrote something that made me hot? When was the last time I sat around, letting myself get lost in a daydream about one of my go-to fantasy men pounding away at me?

A month, at least. Ugh. What a dismal realization.

And yet…it’s okay.

All energy ebbs and flows and honestly, I can’t imagine what would happen to me if my sexual energy was as high as it usually is all the time. Dear heavens, it’s too scary to think of. My hair would be standing on end and men of the world just wouldn’t be safe. Hell, women wouldn’t be safe, either. I’d be humping people’s legs at the grocery store, I suspect.

Channeling sexual energy into creative projects, lovemaking, or intimacy with friends takes a lot out of you. It’s wonderful and challenging and miraculous.

But after a while, it can be tiring to move all that energy through your body into something or someone else. And eventually, like all things, the energy begins to subside. You might feel genuinely exhausted.

At which point, it’s time for a good, long nap, so to speak. Your body needs a break.

The problem is, I feel like we don’t respect this need to refill the sexual well. There’s so much judgment around low sexual energy or a lack of desire to want to have sex or express one’s sexuality. I don’t know how much of an issue this is for men, but I suspect when they do experience a low period, they might feel like they have to power through it. They’re not supposed to not want sex, right?

As for women, many of us feel anxiety around these periods of time when our sex drive is low. We know our partners have certain expectations and so the pressure starts to build, which increases anxiety, which tends to diminish one’s sex drive even further… And thus the cycle continues.

But what if we could take the pressure off ourselves and recognize that having a low sex drive just happens? It affects us for different periods of times at different levels of intensity, but it happens and that’s normal.

Every part of life moves, changes, surges forward, leans backward. We have good days and bad days with our family members and friends. We succeed at work one day, and experience a series of failures on another. Some months, we have money to set aside, and some months, we can barely cover the bills.

We generally accept these ebbs and flows in life.

And yet we find it hard to rest, sexually. We think something is wrong. We worry our ebbing energy will cause friction in a relationship. We’re not sure how to respond and too often, a woman in this situation is either thinking more about her partner than herself or is physically walling herself off, hoping her partner won’t bring up the subject.

But if we could consider dips in our sexual energy a totally normal part of our lives, here’s what I wish we could do when we find ourselves in a slump:

1. Don’t overthink it

Yes, I so much prefer the days when my sexual energy is sky-high and I’m literally thrumming with creativity and desire. But there’s nothing wrong with me during the days, weeks, or even months when things take a sharp dip — it’s just part of the cycle. Thinking or worrying about it won’t help, at all.

2. Don’t rush your way out of it

It’s okay to be in this space, even if you are in a relationship. Don’t try to talk — or fuck — your way out of this. There’s no forcing energy. Let this run its course.

3. Take really, really good care of yourself

For many women, a dip in sex drive is caused by stress, emotional turmoil, or health problems — sometimes a combination of all three (which is what I’m dealing with these days). Now is a time you really need to nurture yourself. Sleep as much as you can. Cut out whatever you can cut to decrease your stress. Eat well. Take baths.

4. Give yourself orgasms

Some of my favorite herbalists often recommend that a woman should have at least seven orgasms per week, to be distributed in the daily frequency of your choosing. There are many reasons for this, including maintaining good blood flow in the pelvic region, stress reduction, and general emotional and mental well-being. Even when my sexual energy is low, I find that the more I keep up with my weekly orgasm dosage, the better I feel. My body seems to agree that keeping the kindling aflame helps my bonfire restore itself much faster.

5. Cuddle more

Humans need a lot of touch to be at our best and I suspect most of us struggle to even meet the minimum requirement. Don’t rely on sex to be your main — or worse, only — source of touch. You’re cheating yourself by doing that. Ask your partner for more cuddles. Hug your friends more and don’t be afraid to ask them if you can lean against them or kiss their cheeks. (I’m telling you, kissing your friends is amazing!) And if you know someone who has a baby, dammit, go over and visit and hold that baby as often as you can!

It’s never easy to navigate a period of low sexual energy — in or out of a relationship. I don’t enjoy it, I confess. But I know it will pass. I know it’s just a moment in time and that one day soon, I’ll be spinning my sexy tales once again.

Rest is such an important part of our sexual cycle and one I don’t think we respect enough. When you hit these low patches of energy, let it happen. Let it pass. It’s normal.

We will rise again…

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column. © Yael Wolfe 2019

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