Solo Polys Are Having Way More Fun than Most Couples and Now We Know Why

Ditching social norms might be your ticket to happiness.

Despite the controversies surrounding open relationships, swings, and polyamory, more people are stepping away from traditional monogamous settings.

According to a popular dating app Feeld, more couples are opening up their relationships and exploring non-monogamy.

Keyword words for ‘ethical non-monogamy’ and ‘polyamory’ have risen by 400 percent for women, while that of men is up by 500.

Traditional monogamy often leads to codependency as opposed to interdependence in relationships. Which is a major contributor to jealousy, possessiveness, and low self-esteem.

More people are adopting polyamory as a means to explore their sexuality without validating their self-worth or subject to toxic monogamous cultures.

For example, the idea that jealousy is a sign of love is something that pop culture has tried to portray for years when in reality it’s more of an insecurity and possessiveness.

Although monogamous relationships can be suffocating, polyamory has its disadvantages too.

Polyamory is More Difficult Than Most People Think

Since I started practicing polyamory and open relationship, I have had the freedom to create a relationship style that works for me.

I began practicing casual relationships to avoid committing to one person. I’ve learned that I was capable of committing to and caring for multiple people at once.

In polyamory, I found a version of connection that multiplied love instead of limiting it, but it also had its limits.

Many poly couples follow a hierarchical structure, ranking relationships as primary, secondary, or tertiary. This quickly became tedious for me.

While I enjoyed the freedom of having multiple partners, I hated not being a priority or the pain of prioritizing who gets to be the primary or secondary partner.

I didn’t like the fact my relationships escalate to permanent signifies associated with polyamory and monogamous.

With traditional poly, I felt like I was giving too much of myself. I care too much. When I give my word, I keep it. And I expect my partners to do the same.

When they don’t, I feel betrayed. I get hysterical. I might resent them and keep a grudge.

Handling your emotions is more difficult with all the social rules and expectations in traditional polyamory.

Solo Polyamory Secures Your Independence

Relationship burdens don’t appeal to me. Any strong polyamorous relationship starts with taking a hard look at what you want and what makes you happy.

Even though I was polyamorous, I realized that I liked having multiple partners without being obligated to share finances or escalate my relationship to marriage or move in with my partner.

I decided to consider solo poly to protect my independence and emotions lacking in poly dynamics.

No Jealousy Triggers

Not long ago, I wrote a post about married women attacking their husband’s mistresses and embarrassing themselves.

Most women do not realize that monogamy is a toxic power dynamic ingrained in our minds to subdue women. Women were forced into dependence on men, who also controlled their sex life.

I do not criticize those in monogamous practices. However, it should not be forced on everyone.

Since we grew up in a culture that equates love and loyalty to one man and one woman, it’s very difficult for some people to let go of feelings of jealousy when their partner shows interest in other people.

The beauty of being a solo polyamorist is that I don’t worry about things like cheating or trust. I just let go and move on when I’m betrayed or sleep with somebody else if I need to.

I can focus on my physical, mental, sexual, and financial needs and break up with anyone who isn’t meeting these needs.

Does this make me selfish?

No, it doesn’t.

Solo polyamory isn’t selfish. It’s about choosing yourself first. It’s about knowing what you want from a partner and not compromising that for anyone.

No Obligations, No Expectations

Some people feel liberated in polygamous relationships. The truth is trust and intimacy will always be an issue in relationships, even in polyamory.

Being in a relationship whether committed or not means you are obliged to put up with social expectations. You can’t ignore people’s boundaries without consequences.

Solo polyamory gives me the opportunity to avoid relationship expectations. I’m not obliged to fulfill anyone’s expectations or be entitled to the benefits they provide.

If a partner begins to feel like a burden, I separate myself from them without guilt because they know what I signed up for.

Living in One’s Truth

The dynamic of polyamory is quite complex. Some people think it’s a way to cheat on your partner without feeling guilty about it. Others believe it’s a way to express their sexuality.

However, polyamory is inherently feminist because you’re able to honor whatever you want in a relationship. It’s a way we honor and accept our truth about connecting with other people without guilt and shame.

I value my independence so much. I also like meeting people and connecting with them. I like being in romantic relationships and getting my sexual needs met. Most importantly, I like having time to myself.

I get edgy sharing living space with my partner. Being a solo polyamorist takes away the burden of sharing space, joining finances, meeting my partner’s parents, and marriage pressure. I don’t feel guilty for not conforming to the traditional relationship style.

Non Adherence To Strict Commitments

Some people believe solo polyamorists avoid commitments which isn’t entirely true. Some solo polys get involved in one or more committed partnerships. However, they do not have strict rules like those of traditional polyamorous and monogamous relationships.

Solo polyamorists consider themselves their primary partners. We are more focused on our work, hobbies, and personal growth than our romantic partnerships.

When I tell my dates I prefer them to be my platonic friends they feel insulted and request a higher label like “boyfriend” or “bestfriend”. To me labels complicate relationships.

I care about my platonic friends more than my romantic dates. I have noticed that my “friends with benefits” last longer than my committed partnerships.

I have come to terms with the fact even though I get into long committed relationships every now and then, I like to be identified as a single in all social and professional structures.

By giving myself and others the space to explore what we need, I have been able to set higher standards and find people willing to meet them.

If you would like to get updated with stories like this in your inbox, subscribe to my newsletter. You might want to become a premium member, for as low as $5 you get the chance to read unlimited stories on Medium. Check out more of my relationship stories here.